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The Mercenary 2.0


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#1 Sothe

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Posted 27 November 2008 - 08:38 AM

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Chapter One: The Sellswords
Part One: Introduction.
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"Haa...Endu, you there?" I looked around for Endu. "Endu...! Where are you?" The man stood up and looked around the cliff he stood on, "Just like that damn kid." I pulled my long, ivory handled broadsword out. "I'll handle this knight . . . alone." I let out a long breath. It was cold and his breath was visible in the morning air. “Beautiful, isn’t it—the area? I grew up not far from here…” I waved my long and muscled left arm across the area below the cliff. The entire area was covered in a wooded terrain, with a village built near the middle of the woods, which could be seen from that old cliff. You could even see children playing.

"What about me?" Sierra struggled as she picked her long, pink handled, curved scimitar, and pointed it at me. She too looked down to see the areas surrounding her. She wasn’t as impressed as I was, but her eye twinkled at the beauty of the area.

"Stand back. Let me do my job, Sierra." I lay down and looked over the steep cliff. "This isn't an old man - it's a damned half-Isgoran Sniper! These guys tear even the strongest man to his knees in agony, with SWORDS; let alone what they can do with a bow!"

"Alright, alright. I'll go look for Endu!" Sierra sighed and ran off. She was always doing that. She didn’t like to take orders, but was obedient enough when she had to. She ran off all the time, though. I wanted to stop her and get her to wait for me at the cliff, but all I could see of her was her long black hair trailing behind her, and that old sword of hers’ in both her hands. She was already out of ear-range.

"...Where is this sniper? I don't want an arrow in my back, I better find 'im!" I stood up slowly, and slyly, and ran down the edge of the cliff. I ran ahead for a few yards, where I saw a very beat up looking Half-Isgoran. See, Isgorans look like a human, but their skin is always an unnatural color. Red, blue, and more commonly green or orange, their skin turns grey as they aged. Red and blue are the signs of soldiers, and orange is the normal color. Standing at six foot seven to seven foot three, they are bigger and more muscled than humans. They never have hair on the top of their heads, though sometimes on the sides. A Half-Isgoran is a different story altogether. They often have long and shaggy brown hair, and stand from six foot three to six foot nine. Not as deadly, but way more accurate with bows.

Endu was fighting the sniper when I ran in. I heard him groan squeamishly as the sniper shot him in the arm, then saw him jump over thirty feet in the air, bounce off of a rock, and land with his katana stuck deep into the sniper’s head.

"What the—Endu, stay still!" I ran over to him as quickly as I could, ignoring the fact that he had just made a jump no human being could possibly make.

Endu quietly lay down in the grass, holding his hand on his arm to stop the bleeding, and groaning as I lightly touched his arm. His blue eyes were filled with pain, which made me know he had been hit awfully badly. “My arm hurts…” He said quietly.

"Yeah - Yeah, I imagine it does boy, ya got shot with a poisoned Isgoran arrow!" I pulled a dagger out and cut my shirt-sleeve off, then cut Endu's mail sleeve - and wrapped my sleeve around Endu's arm, after sucking the poison out of his blood and spitting it on the ground. The purple liquid seeped through the grass, slithering like a snake. The poison inside of an Isgoran arrow was alive, and mean. When it was taken out of the tip of an arrow it had the only intent to destroy. The second it punctured skin, the victim had hours to live, if that, unless the poison was drawn from the wound carefully. After being drawn out, it would slither in pain until it died, or find a new victim, likely a child. That was of no concern to me though.

Endu put his right hand on his left arm, and looked at me with shock in his now pain free eyes. “What did you do to it…?” He asked slowly, trying to stand up. The painkiller I had given him made it hard to stand for a few minutes.

"I sucked the poison out, then I applied some Athelain leaf on it--Athelain is a powerful painkiller...works instantly." I looked at Endu, and then helped him stand up.

"Thanks, it helped." Endu looked at me expectantly. "I did good though...right?"

"Well hell yeah you did! You killed a damned half-Isgoran sniper without my help! Jesus boy, you're learning a lot of fighting, I guess!" I was obviously impressed. "Not even I could take a half-Isgoran Sniper when I was 15!"

Endu smiled and started to walk towards the tents with me.

"King Oorin wants the body today. Let's hurry." The sellsword leader handed Endu and Sierra each 5 or so pieces of gold. "I don't have any of the good stuff. I'll get some from Oorin."

"I hate Oorin." Endu and Sierra said simultaneously.

My hand went over their mouths. "I do too, but we ARE in the middle of Janger! Talking about him could get us all killed..."

"If you hate him, why do you work for him?" Endu looked at me, confused.

"Haa...he pays well." I smirked and walked ahead.

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#2 Tino

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Posted 27 November 2008 - 12:00 PM

Why do you keep posting character profiles? It's good that you make them, but you shouldn't post them in public. People will get to know the characters better as the story progresses, and since the readers will be interested in the characters, they'll be encouraged to keep reading.

#3 Fire Blazer

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Posted 27 November 2008 - 04:15 PM

1. What Tino said.
2. So much swearing is necessary?
3. Lots of dialogue. Perhaps too much. :/
4. Interesting at the least. Although it started off a little rough. I'd like to see some more.

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#4 Tino

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Posted 27 November 2008 - 04:18 PM

I'd like to add that some more detail on the surrounding area and the like wouldn't hurt. Right now, detail is very scarce (spelling?) in your story.

But indeed, it's an interesting story. It can still use a lot of improvement, though wink.gif

#5 Sothe

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Posted 27 November 2008 - 11:55 PM

@ Blazer: Actually, I edited it for language.'Matt' is foul-mouthed, it's part of his personality. It shouldn't last too long...

@ Blazer 2: That won't last long either.

@ Tino: Lol, that was an accident. I have it all kept together in a notepad document; and when I went to copy+Paste it here, I accidentally included the profiles. I'll edit that now.

@ Tino 2: You spelled it right. Also, it should get more detailed. The introduction is just written to introduce you to the SellSwords, and start it off. Detail should be less scarce in the future.
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#6 Tino

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Posted 28 November 2008 - 06:56 AM

QUOTE
The introduction is just written to introduce you to the SellSwords, and start it off.


We should get to know the characters better and better as the story progresses. We don't need to know a lot about all of them immediately. It's even possible that some are introduced a long time later, in fact.

#7 Sothe

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Posted 28 November 2008 - 07:05 AM

QUOTE (Tino @ November 28, 2008 01:56 am)
QUOTE
The introduction is just written to introduce you to the SellSwords, and start it off.


We should get to know the characters better and better as the story progresses. We don't need to know a lot about all of them immediately. It's even possible that some are introduced a long time later, in fact.

Actually, as you'll find out soon enough, some characters are introduced a long time later.
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#8 Tino

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Posted 28 November 2008 - 07:10 AM

I would've expected that, since it's not like you want to write the entire story with just the couple of people you've introduced in the prologue. Anyway, I'm looking forward to some progression wink.gif

#9 Ramiel

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Posted 28 November 2008 - 07:36 AM

Looks like a good start Matthew I (as I always do) can wait to see more.

#10 Dath

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Posted 29 November 2008 - 07:44 PM

A lot, and I mean, a lot better than the first one. I can't wait for the second chapter.

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#11 Kinesthesia

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Posted 30 November 2008 - 02:03 AM

It's better, cause there's a parody of me in it. tongue.gif
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#12 Dath

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Posted 02 December 2008 - 08:07 PM

Who are you? (In the story.)

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#13 Tino

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Posted 02 December 2008 - 11:23 PM

QUOTE (Genesis @ December 02, 2008 09:07 pm)
Who are you? (In the story.)

I could be terribly wrong, but I don't believe it's necessary to put yourself, being the author, in the story :/

As such, I don't think Sothey has put himself in this story.

#14 Sothe

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Posted 03 December 2008 - 05:53 AM

If you mean who the main hero is, that's Matt. I'm not in it though. And if you meant Kinesthesia, his parody character is Endu. New part soon. I've been having trouble writing lately.
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#15 Kinesthesia

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Posted 03 December 2008 - 06:11 AM

See? biggrin.gif
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#16 Sothe

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Posted 03 December 2008 - 07:36 AM

----------------------------------------------------------
Chapter One: The SellSwords
Part Two: Meeting the young princess of Janger.
----------------------------------------------------------

Note: Italics = Thought



"Hey, Grizzly Adams." A man with long dark armor and a black nasal helm walked towards Matthew, and pointed at the man's unshaven beard.

"...Funny, asshole. The name's Matt. Remember it, or next time, I might not just tell you." Matt stared the guard down for a few seconds, and then asked, "You wanna tell me what you want? Or are you just gonna stand there lookin' stupid?"

"Hey, boy. I have seen more bat--" The man was cut off.

"More battles than I can ever hope to see? You are very stupid; I've seen more than your whole family tree has seen. I fought Dain of the Melkalains, and Nelachu of the Isgorans."

The guard's jaw dropped, and he said no more. Instead, he beckoned towards the castle.

"Can my..." Matt started to say assistants, but stopped. "Can my children here come along?" He left no hint behind that he was lying.

"No. Just you, sell-sword; and leave your arms behind." The guard gestured to Matt's sword with his spear.

"Fine." The captain walked over and handed Endu his sword, daggers, throwing knives, throwing axes, lance, single bit axe, mace, double bit axe, war hammer, and a whole assortment of other weapons. "And it's CAPTAIN to you, dickhead!"

"Captain. Right. Follow me." The guardsman batted Matt in the back with his spear and led the man into the castle.

"Hail Great Ki--..." Matt paused and looked at the beautiful princes sitting beside her father. "...Uhm...He...Ehe...Hail, Princess of Janger! Hail, almighty king Oorin!" uh...She's kind of cute. I wonder how old she is. Met any princes yet? Those fairies don't deserve her. King Creep never told me he had a pretty daughter.

"..." The princess blushed, as she stared at the dirty man, who appeared to be one of the rangers of Itheirn, but she couldn't tell for sure. "Hello, Mercenary Captain...Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name."

"It's O'Connell, ma'am. Matthew O'Connell." The captain looked at her face, which was completely red.

O'Connell? That's the name of the Ranger King... I wonder if there's any relation? If so, I'm surprised Daddy hasn't had him killed yet. The girl blushed even more as O'Connell complimented her hair. very formally.. "If you'll excuse me, Mister O'Connell, I must go. I will meet you again?" The young girl stood up and walked away.

"Yeah. For sure- - Now, king Oorin. I'll have my pay, or I'll have my fun." He jerked his head at the girl's bedroom.

"Jesus, I'll pay you, I'll pay you!" The king threw him a sack of silver, and stood up, his belly jiggling, and his bald head showing evidently.

"..." Matt looked at it, silently counted it, and left.

"Hey, Cap'n!" The young boy, Endu walked up to Matt. "How'd it go...?" The boy half-pointed to the purse of silver.

"Fine. The king has a daughter a little older than you guys. Wonder where he's been keepin' her locked up..." Matt was obviously quite sincere.

"I'd imagine her room." Sierra yawned, and stood up; revealing a tattoo on her arm.

"...!" Matt looked around in slight panic. "Are you trying to get me ki--Kill me, girl?!" The man looked around. "Cover that tattoo...!"

The girl quickly obeyed, and turned to the man who was staring at Endu, his eyes glowed a bright red, and his arms were muscular, and had tattoos all over them.

"What are you lookin' at, asshole?" Matt was very small compared to this man.

"...The kid. The... boy." The man stood up and pointed his sword at Endu. "He's coming with me..."

"Go ahead, dickhead. Touch him. I dare you." Matt drew his blade and pointed it at the man.

"...?! You would challenge me? What a fool. Very well. Come on boy, try me."


Sorry, expect future parts to be longer.
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#17 Dath

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Posted 03 December 2008 - 02:40 PM

Tino, I meant Kinesthesia

Pretty good chapter, poor Endu.

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#18 Kinesthesia

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Posted 04 December 2008 - 12:50 AM

Poor me! D;
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#19 Sothe

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Posted 04 December 2008 - 11:12 AM

Spoiler: (highlight to see)

I think Endu is a bit tougher than you give him credit for.



Update will come soon if I can get my writer's block to stop haunting me.
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#20 Dath

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Posted 04 December 2008 - 08:41 PM

Err...everyone can see that, without highlighting....

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