10 replies to this topic

[SmashedFish]

Gray is the working title, anyway. I doubt I'll keep it, but I might.

It's the first part in what I consider making either a trilogy or three-part book of. That's all I'll say for now, anyway. After I get chapter one out, I'll give some key details.

Keep in mind that the prologue is in a different style from the rest.

Prologue: Hargrove: The Distant Past

From the Book of Mysteries, by Seejan Doury of Ford in Wembrok.

Hargrove, the self-proclaimed holy capital of the continent, was having a record good year of existance, the latest in a series of record good years since her formation 201 years ago. Her people were content with their lot, her millitary was vast, competent, and just, and her priests were reporting almost full attendance at weekly masses, something especially notable in their minds. Her merchants charged fair prices for their goods and her streets were the safest in the land. On top of that, she was allied with the two strongest countries besides herself, and was negotiating with the third.
In their defence, there was no way that what happened next could have been forseen.
On the morning of third day of the seventh month in the 201st year since Hargrove's formation, all the country's children from six to ten years of age took arms against their sleeping families, and each other if there were multiple children of that age per family, while Hargrove's King Ellor and his top officials massacared the inhabitants of the royal castle and the army. The reason for this unsaid in any of the official records or firsthand accounts and is now lost, if it was ever known. After both groups put any survivors they found too the blade, they joined at one of Hargrove's cities, Frost, and left Hargrove to invade nearby Feltor, Hargrove's closest ally. Once they arrived on the morning of the fifth day of the same month, they were frozen in place and calmly banished from existance by a division of the special mage corps of Stadix, an ally of Hargrove that was neutral to Feltor. As a result of this, the two countries became allies and eventually merged into Datrim, which means "protector" in the ancient tounge.
It is speculated that the combined army of youths and important figures would've invaded and destroyed all nearby countries and even the entire continent, had Stadix's wizards and witches not forseen the invasion of Feltor and made the ride there in time. Interestingly, though, where they were reputed to forsee any major event at least a day before it happened, when interviewed, all involved mages claimed that they were unaware of such a happening until roughly the moment the first child awoke so unusually early.

[Rujio]

Wow. This is very good, and a bit bipolar... Maybe even evil. The first sentence was fantastic, and it seemed to keep a similar tone throughout what is written, even though the rest of it is not so, well, nice.

Your writing style is so... ironic, if you get what I mean, It's great, but it makes it sort of satirical when it could be written so seriously. It's not something I'm used to. I'm enjoying it, though.


Edit: Oh, hey, you said the prologue would be different from the rest.

[SmashedFish]

Ironic? But I was trying for serious...

By different, I mean that that was a relevant passage from a supporting character's book, where the rest will be more narrated. I had been considering using some excerpts of books throughout, though, and since you liked it, I guess I'll have to.

[Rujio]

[Bobryk]

Ah, short and sweet. Your style reminds me of my own. Some lightheartedness ("a record good year of existence" comes to mind) and general conciseness. Less words = more better.

Although...

[Rujio]

I actually liked that sentence. I felt it added to the feel of this part.

Concise does = good. If what you're writing adds neither to character or plot, then it shouldn't be there.

[SmashedFish]

So. Not quite done with the first chapter (I like long chapters but I'm too lazy to write them), but it's been forever since the prologue, so here's chapter 1, part 1.

https://docs.google....G7QHvIjR7U/edit

[Seth]

Well, I'm obviously not some writing genius, or literary critic, but I can tell you what I liked and didn't like.

1. It seems to switch between present tense and past tense, which is kind of distracting. It messes with the flow of the writing, and keeps me from being truly immersed.

2. It's full of explanations. I used to think this was a good thing as well, but honestly, it kind of bogs down the story, plus it's slightly overwhelming. I know you created all of these cool backgrounds and explanations for everything happening, but sometimes you need to let things happen with out explaining them.

Example:

QUOTE

I liked to think that my status and fame were widespread enough to protect me, but he was right and my ego wasn’t. Bandits were known for being the only people to attack those wearing the white robes of non-combative travelers, healers, historians, and such. This was risky on their part, as most armies will avenge important neutral wanderers, but dead is dead, and I was better off avoiding any risks.

Here you are making this elaborate story about how bandits kill people, how neutrals are avenged, etc. Instead of just saying it like that, where it will be promptly forgotten, you should either show it in a particular instance ( say, a priest gets killed) or just leave it out.

3. I just can't help but feel like it is all fake. the whole 'letting civilians evacuate in ten minutes' thing is kind of awkward, and then creating a giant doom portal right above them? I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I can't help but think of it as cartoonish.

That's all really, i didn't look for grammar mistakes or spelling errors, as those are irrelevant. The story is, after what I said, very interesting and I would very much like to read more. So keep writing! And just work on the things i mentioned, if you are so inclined.

Disclaimer: I am not a professional. This is just personal opinion.

[SmashedFish]

Edit: Most quotes not working, so I've changed what I wrote to italics.

Well, I'm obviously not some writing genius, or literary critic, but I can tell you what I liked and didn't like.

1. It seems to switch between present tense and past tense, which is kind of distracting. It messes with the flow of the writing, and keeps me from being truly immersed.

Yeah, I do that a lot. It is a bad thing and I need to stop doing it. Thanks for reminding me that I had done it, though; I forgot to check.

2. It's full of explanations. I used to think this was a good thing as well, but honestly, it kind of bogs down the story, plus it's slightly overwhelming. I know you created all of these cool backgrounds and explanations for everything happening, but sometimes you need to let things happen with out explaining them.

Example:

QUOTE

I liked to think that my status and fame were widespread enough to protect me, but he was right and my ego wasn’t. Bandits were known for being the only people to attack those wearing the white robes of non-combative travelers, healers, historians, and such. This was risky on their part, as most armies will avenge important neutral wanderers, but dead is dead, and I was better off avoiding any risks.

Here you are making this elaborate story about how bandits kill people, how neutrals are avenged, etc. Instead of just saying it like that, where it will be promptly forgotten, you should either show it in a particular instance ( say, a priest gets killed) or just leave it out.

I just like getting caught up in writing these things, which often results in more words than necessary. I'll have to go trim those down, then.

3. I just can't help but feel like it is all fake. the whole 'letting civilians evacuate in ten minutes' thing is kind of awkward, and then creating a giant doom portal right above them? I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I can't help but think of it as cartoonish.

That got a bit overboard as well, yeah. Noted, though I personally like the concept of an image of a doom portal in the sky... the point I'm trying to make with it is that these villagers are huge simpletons who believed that that was going to happen someday, which Kingen realized and told the Imp to emulate to encourage getting the **** out of the city, now. I could do it differently, I guess.

That's all really, i didn't look for grammar mistakes or spelling errors, as those are irrelevant. The story is, after what I said, very interesting and I would very much like to read more. So keep writing! And just work on the things i mentioned, if you are so inclined.

Disclaimer: I am not a professional. This is just personal opinion.

Thank you for being the first to weigh in on what I've got so far, and thanks for the compliment on the story! I'm probably going to make changes in the master copy, then update the C1P1 preview in noticeably better chunks, so don't be too surprised if it takes a little while for changes to appear.

[Rujio]

Trimming down on words is always helpful. I'd say 90% of my edits when I go back over something I just wrote is changing something to take fewer words, or even cutting full paragraphs on occasion. It seems to me that less really is more.

Anyways, most of that isn't new for me and there's not enough so far to have all that much to say. Just keep going.

[SmashedFish]

Haha, yeah, hard to pull new stuff on the editor >_>

Welp, as soon as I get this here French done, it's writing time.