25 replies to this topic

[SmashedFish]

There might not be too much here, and certainly not one thing after another constantly. When I get the inspiration to write something, though, it'll go here.

To start, here's a poem I wrote a while ago while in a totally different mindset.

'Tis almost complete, but of yet not quite-
A perfect collapse of reason
Not once does sanity have a respite
But instead, fades like the seasons

Past and future, body and soul
Meaningless words without
The force of clear intentions' pull
on the shadowy gray of doubt.

But who has that these days, and less common still:
Who with it would spare it for the common swill?

As I stare down into this God-forsaken crater
And the poor wretches made to live in it,
I look up to the skies, and wonder
if those up there do the same.

Edit: Submitting this to the Scholastic Art & Writing Awards!

[Dath]

Not much of a poem lover, except for limerick's, but I liked it.

[SmashedFish]

Thanks. Were there any particular bits you did or didn't like?

[Seraphinox]

First line reads awkwardly, should it not be "but as of yet not quite-"??

[SmashedFish]

That would make more sense, true. A few lines seem a bit rushed (at least to me) because I tried to preserve the syllables per measure except at the end. Granted, I realize that that's not always important, but for some reason I wanted to keep it like that when I was writing it.

[Seraphinox]

The rhyming sort of falls apart in the last verse, the other two verses have a good tempo because of the rhyming, maybe edit the last verse a little

[SmashedFish]

I didn't feel like rhyming the last one. To me, when the rhyming falls apart, it marks the end of the poem.

[Seraphinox]

It seems quite out of place I feel.

Forget it and write a new poem, then come back to this one haha

[SmashedFish]

[Fire Blazer]

Wow that was pretty beast. I feel outclassed. I can see how it's not perfect (nothing is) but now I understand why I didn't win the poetry contest in my school...

[SmashedFish]

http://www.missmab.c...ics/Vol1210.jpg

Someone showed me this the other day and it applied so much then. It does now too, ty Blazer.

Edit: Derp furry comic. But still.

[SmashedFish]

This was part of a multigenre project on amnesia:

A choice chosen, a decision made
A team gathered, a card played

A search completed, a buyer contacted
A deal created, the records redacted

welcome to the abyss

The plans discovered, the finder surprised
The wrong man informed, evil glee in his eyes

A quest created, a quest to choose
A quest where to win is to lose

the deep abyss

The quest accepted, warnings too late
A poor lost soul, sealed to his fate

All life, all history, see it struck from his mind
See him face all his nightmares combined

welcome to the abyss

welcome to the abyss
the deep abyss

the abyss of yourself

[SmashedFish]

Reflection (Click Here To Hide/Show Text)

you're tired
of picking tulips in the ocean
only to realize that you're
seven feet under and sinking fast,
and the tulips were probably in your head

the whole damn time.

guh, a blow to the stomach
your mouth, a door now held open
by torrents of that bittersweet smotherer
your throat cries out, almost physical thunder

and you're AWAKE.

or maybe you were the whole time
don't give a rat's, really.
but there you are
a skinned knee, mouth agape-
the world dares conspire against *you* with such injury?-
or a little more so; perhaps
a sunning mouse taken whole?
good ideas, bad vision?
you're overreacting, i'm sure, though
again, not a rat's.


but then, i'm not you.
to you, who knows
the silent scream of the unborn, protesting a world not yours?
(Which helps not a bit.)
perhaps the curse of sight
(To a narrow mind, sure.)
or even the fatal stab
of her final touches; disgust written
(Life moves on.)
over the expression of one
going through motions.
(Save the sob stories for those who have it rough.)


anyway
anyway, i don't care
quite frankly, noone does.
dance your pain; the fine subtleties of ART
streched across that ever-pursed face
that noone understands, nor will ever.
me, i still don't give a rat's for whiners.

Some look in a mirror to see themselves, whereas others look to see who everyone else sees.

[Rujio]

I just went through and read these, and they're really quite good. Not perfect, but to paraphrase a person whose name I don't remember, "a poem is never finished, only abandoned."

Now you're making me wish I could write poetry even more than I usually do. Also, do moar Gray stuff.

[SmashedFish]

wait how did it take me this long to read that

Thanks! It's not all that hard to write poetry, by the way. Just come up with a bunch of convoluted metaphors and string them about a central theme. Polish the result and foreswear capital letters and you're clear.

Regarding Gray, I've been messing with the overarching plot in my head, but some pieces aren't falling into place. The current mess of a story is salvageable, but I need to majorly rethink a few points, and with Immortal Shrine currently ongoing, my attention is directed elsewhere. For now we'll just assume I'm still doing French.

[Rujio]

ihateyou

Yeah, for you. I'm so bad at it. Mostly because I can't come up with the central themes. I feel so self-centered when I try :/ And I've been listening to music with really interesting lyrics lately, so it's bugging me more. Maybe I'll try something from one of my character's perspectives or something.

But I'm not involved with Immortal Shrine! Also, you can totally fix it. My story is originally from 5th grade. And they were all furries. And Flygnyr was the main character. And there was magic. And it started as of probably like what Chapter 20 is. So you can definitely make progress on yours.

[SmashedFish]

The self-centeredness fades after time, I think. Either that or it's normal to me now. :/ Either way, though, it's always worth a shot, so I'd say go ahead and try. I am aparently semi-accomplished at these things so I can give you some feedback and junk. We could just do it in GDocs if needed with that spectator/writer deal.

whelp i feel better now, at least I left mine along that description to die and never meet paper You know what, why don't you just write a story and I'll do the poetic adaptation. Play to strengths or some junk. In seriousness, I am going to end up just clearing off a day or two to spend writing soon.

[Rujio]

Or you just have legitimate things to write about. I don't feel like I do, so I feel like I'm making mountains out of molehills.

Compare my draft 1 prologue to my draft 2 prologue. Draft 1 is way better than the actual draft 1, too. So just practice and you will get way better.

[Rujio]

Hey so somehow I actually managed to write a poem. I was trying to fall asleep when all of a sudden it was just happening, so we'll see how it came out.

(Click Here To Hide/Show Text)

This little Black Box is a little Black Hole;
it's dark as dark and cold as cold.
It sucks you in and you never want out;
it's dark as dark and cold as cold
but you can hide in the nooks of the tree's white folds
till the lights come out and you love
to see what you hate.

A strange kind of man lives in this funny little box,
with his hoods and his bards and bears and queer white maggots.
He makes this box a little black hole
that's dark as dark and cold as cold.
He makes you love to see what you hate,
to be happy because you're sad
with the music and dancing and laughs and screams;
it's strange as strange and free as free.

In this house of string with its roof of net
and the floating tables where birds go to die,
with the music of the 30s and 50s and now,
with buckets on our heads and masks of snow,
with the bodies of babies and the poodles of stone,
where we made a wastrel into a noble ass,
and fought and fell in love and laughed
and died, we all take our chance
to remind ourselves just who we are
as we lose ourselves for one last time,
then we take ourselves off and mourn our loss.

This little Black Box is a little Black Spot;
it's darker than dark and colder than cold
and with this strange kind of man we're left all alone.

The symbolism is so obvious if you know what I'm talking about. Except I'd be freaked out if you knew what I was talking about.

So am I doing this right?

[SmashedFish]

Honestly? It's great. The overall piece seems surreal, the metaphors are deep, the repeated lines contribute rather than being there for form, and the final impact you get is strong. I'm not positive on the theme, but I have my guesses. Thus, I personally like it.

As for doing that right, I couldn't say. The lovely thing about poetry is that there exists not a single darned true guideline, and thus the quality of any given poem is usually largely up to personal interpretation, BSing, or both. The quality of your writing, again- unquestionable. Beyond that? _. I'd say yes, for what it's worth.