Posted 01 January 2013 - 03:24 AM
"If your bra is too tight, it's uncomfortable. If you're a boy and your bra is too tight, I'm uncomfortable." -All That
"Touching things are a part of life." -Victorious
Delivery guy: Package for Josh Nichols
Josh: Have a good day.
Delivery guy: Don't tell me what to do.
And cue the long ass'd list of quotes:
If it looks bad, smells bad, and tastes bad, then it might be... this old burrito!
If your phone rings, pick it up. If your butt rings, see a doctor.
To get your teacher's attention, it's a bad idea to scream " Hey look over here you freakish animal".
If you smell smoke in the hallway, you say "fire". If you smell smoke in your pants you say "why am I smelling my pants?"
It's not okay to eat breakfast cereal out of your underpants.
Homework bad, pizza good.
Girls don't like it when boys take their sandwich and run away screaming " Hey look who's got your sandwich now".
When you cough something up, never take it to school and tell people it's your friend Robert.
Don't pour soup on yourself and run around shouting " Hey everybody, look at me I'm soupgirl".
Never kick a man when he's down, just look at him and scream " Hey, get up you down on the ground weirdo".
It's rude to walk up to an old person and say, "Hey, has your face always looked like that, or have you just been underwater for the last twenty years?"
Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder how this song ever became so stinking popular.
If you're drinking apple juice, and it feels warm, odds are that ain't apple juice.
Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe, catch a tiger by its toe. If it hollers, let it go, because if you don't he's going to kill you!
Next time you're sick, take a piece of ham and rub it around your skin. You won't feel any better, but hey, you'll smell like ham!
All is fair in love and war. All is smelly in a closet full of baboons.
Hey diddle-diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon, the little dog laughed to see such sport, and the dish exploded.
The early bird gets the worm. FINE! I don't want the worm.
Cheaters never prosper. That is, unless they bought my new book, Cheating the Denberg Way. Available wherever fine books are sold.
Tell your brother that if he eats a lot of uncooked popcorn kernels he will explode.
It's rude to cover a cow with glue and taunt it by saying "Sticky Cow, Sticky Cow, OOOOOOOOH! Sticky Cow!"
When the going gets tough, the tough get going. When left in the sun, mayonaisse grows hair.
Oh, Macarena, Macarena, Macarena. Oh, Macarena, Macarena, Macarena. Oh, I hate the Macarena!
If you're on a first date, it's a bad idea to say "So, what's the biggest loogie you've ever hocked up?"
When in Rome, do as the Romans do. If a giant chariot wheel rolls on your foot, go "YEEOOW!"
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill just laughed as Jack lay there unconscious.
You should always brush your teeth three times a day. You should never fill your pants with infected fish.
Breaking up is hard to do. Breaking a dozen eggs with a sledgehammer is fun.
When it rains, it pours. When there's a nail in your eye, you go "AHHHHHH!"
If you see somebody drowning, try throwing a popcorn in their mouth.
There's 16 ounces in a pound. There's 38 sheep in my pants.
If your name is Steven and you have a turkey named Stefan, then come Thanksgiving, you'll be Steven, stuffing Stefan!
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. A bird in your pants can be very uncomfortable.
When it rains, it pours. When it snows, it's cold.
You are what you eat. I am thirteen tacos and a stick of butter.
This little piggy went outside. This little piggy stayed home. This little piggy came off! (ripping off her toe)
If you can count to seventeen on one hand, then good luck finding gloves, you seventeen-fingered freak!
Revenge is sweet. Not as sweet as 10 pounds of sugar!
If you fall in the mud, it's not a good idea to stand up and say "I AM THE KING OF MUD CITY, AND YOU ARE ALL MY MUD PEOPLE!"
If you hang a turkey from your Christmas tree and it's the fourth of July, then congratulations, you're a blonde!
Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb with a side of mashed potatoes.
Miss Susie had a baby, she named him Tiny Tim. She put him in the bathtub to see if he could swim. He drank up all the water; he ate up all the soap; he tried to eat the bathtub, but it wouldn't go down his throat. The moral of this story is don't name your baby Tiny Tim.
If you've just eaten, wait twenty minutes before swimming. If you can't swim, wait twenty minutes before drowning.
If you have a fear of spiders, then you have arachnophobia. If you have a fear of breathing, then you have about four minutes to live.
It's fun to play in the snow. It's not fun to play in a bathtub full of vomit.
It's no fun to go to the dentist, especially if your dentist pushed you down a flight of stairs.
There's no such thing as a stupid question...unless the question is, "JJ, can I borrow 20 dollars?" NO!
If there was an animal called a yabba-dabba, and you kept one in your backyard, you might accidentally step in some yabba-dabba doo.
If your bra is too tight, it's uncomfortable. If you're a boy and your bra is too tight, I'm uncomfortable.
Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care. Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care. Jimmy got hit with a melon, and I still don't care.
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. If you're not happy and you don't know it, clap your monkey.
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star, how I wonder how you smell.
If you barf in an elevator, don't respond by saying, "I shouldn't have eaten that large pizza."
Mary had a little lamb. I squished it with my foot.
Wise men say that he who goes to sleep with itchy butt wakes up with smelly fingers.
It's rude to talk with your mouth full. It's even ruder to talk with a mouthful of baby squirrels.
If your teacher gives you an F, it's wrong to say, "What did you expect, moron? I didn't study!"
If your grandmother gives you a pretty new sweater as a gift, it's wrong to thank her by wrapping it around her neck and squeezing till she turns blue.
When an adult asks you what you wanna be when you grow up, don't say, "Well, I wanna be a big old loser, just like you!"
Never judge a book by its cover. Judge it by the noise it makes when it hits your Uncle Benny in the booty.
If you're having trouble with your homework, don't go up to your teacher and say, "This homework is too hard! Now gimme a big wet kiss!"
It's nice to invent a new soup called Tasty Chicken Barley. It's not nice to invent a soup called Broken Glass Chowder.
It's easy to milk a cow. It's weird to milk a toothless hippie named Maurice.
If you're afraid your grandmother might get stolen, stick an alarm up her dress and chain her to the fence!
Monkey see, monkey do. Monkey no see, monkey step in doo.
The cow says "moo." The duck says "quack." The crazy person says "Ayayayayayayayayay!"
If you have no eyes, three lips, and a lizard coming out of your belly button, then you have one weird mama!
It's rude to walk up to a school librarian and say, "Excuse me, but do you have a book on why you're so UGLY?"
People who live in glass houses should always wear pants.
If you are the President of the United States and you're watching me right now, then you need to quit watching Nickelodeon and go fix our country!
The people on the bus go up and down, up and down, up and down. The people on the bus go up and down. Eventually, they throw up.
If a dog asks you what your favorite color is, run like the wind, 'cause dogs ain't supposed to talk!
If you in Jr. High and your still wearing a diaper, time to grow up.
If your sister gets a phone call and you answer it don't say, "My sister ain't here, she's out in the yard flopping in the mud!"
Girls it's a bad idea to fill your bra with water and goldfish and then tell people you've invented the "Double Cup Aquarium".
If you want a good grade on a test, don't write at the top of the page: Dear Teacher, I didn't study for this test. P.S. school is stupid.
When you get out of the shower soaking wet, it's almost impossible to dry yourself with a #2 pencil.
If there is a new kid in school, put a sign on his back that says: lick the new kid. Then watch the fun begin.
If your mother tells you to sweep the kitchen floor, don't hold your sister upside down and use her head as a broom.
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack eat chimpmunk, Jack get sick.
If you're writing a letter to your grandfather, don't begin with: Dear Bald Wrinkled Man.
When you're checking out at the grocery store, never say "Oh I don't need any bags, I just stick the food in my pants."
Three blind mice see how they run...into things.
When you're on a date never spread your toes apart and then say "Hey check out my fungus!"
Next Christmas Eve leave a big pot of boiling water in the fireplace before bed. The next morning have a big bowl of Santa noodle soup.
Oh Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree, Oh why am I talking to a Christmas tree.
On Christmas Eve it's a good idea to leave Santa some milk and cookies. It's a bad idea to leave him some liver and elf juice.
If you feel like an outsider, if you feel all alone, and if you feel like you have no one to talk to, odds are you have no friends.
If you steal my vital information bit, you better be prepared to sing a song.
If you're lucky enough to have a hammer, please don't hammer in the morning.
Never put underwear on your head and say to people, "I'm little Nancy and this is my pretty new hat".
You won't impress the school principal by telling him, "You're a pretty school principal. Pretty, Pretty, Pretty. Yes you are".
If it's healthy to eat a well-balanced meal, then it's dangerous to eat a well-balanced nuclear missile.
If you're telling a guy a story and he starts to choke, don't say "Look dude, I'm right in the middle of my story".
If you're a guy and you take your grandmother to the school dance, don't yell "Hey everybody, look at me I'm at the school dance with my grandmother. Wooh!"
If a friend of yours falls down a flight of stairs, it's not helpful to say "You sure looked funny when you fell down that flight of stairs".
If you lose a tooth, don't put it in hot water and then yell "Hey look at me everyone, I'm eating tooth soup".
If someone tells you "Life is like a bowl of cherries", just smack 'em.
Never spit on someone and then say,"That's what spit feels like".
Never take a taco, sit on it and then run around screaming, "Hey, look at that taco stain on my butt".
It's a bad idea to put bacon on your face and then run around screaming, "Look at me I'm Porkboy the breakfast monkey".
Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you Porkboy the dancing monkey.
If your dog sniffs you it means he likes you. If your friend sniffs you, then you got a weird friend.
It's a bad idea to walk up to a policeman and say, "Oh Mr. Policeman, take me to prison, please!"
An apple a day keeps the doctor away (followed by her pelting a doctor with apples)
This is no way to treat the world. (Followed by Lori Beth punching a globe)
One, two, buckle my shoe. Hey, buckle my shoe, I've got a show to do here! (Then a stagehand runs on stage and buckles Danny's shoe.)
When you step on a crack, you break your mother's back. When you step on a rusty nail, you say “AHHHHHH!”
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's ping pong.
Everybody likes the smell of Grandma's cooking. No one likes the smell of grandma's pajamas.
Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe. Who's Moe and why is he so Eeny, Meeny, and Miny?
A picture is worth a thousand words. A thousand words is worth three and a half chipmunks.
Hickory Dickory Dock, the mouse ran up the clock, the clock struck 12 and flung the mouse 30 feet across the room.
If you laugh, the world laughs with you. If you walk around with a chicken in your pants, the world laughs in your face.
They say opposites attract. (picks up a feather) I wonder what the opposite of a feather is. (a giant boulder flies over and hits the host)
I scream, you scream, we all scream when we slam our hand in the car door.
If your first name is Wally, and your second name is Wally, and your last name is Woo, then your name is WALLY WALLY WOO!
When you fall in the toilet, it is best not to start swimming saying, "Look at me! I'm a toilet fish!"
When you blow your nose like this (takes a tissue and blows her nose loudly), it is wrong to do this (sticks the tissue to a lamp).
If you get all Fs on your report card, don't feel bad, it's not your fault you're stupid!
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. And I laughed my butt off!
If you have a stomach ache, see a doctor not a lion. Because the lion would probably just bite your head off.
If the shoe fits, wear it. If it doesn't fit then shove it in your pants.
You can brush your teeth, but you can't brush your knees.
If you have a hammer, for the love of God, don't hammer in the morning.
A duck says quack, a cow says moo, and I say, "Get off my property before I call the cops!"
Never go up to the meanest, toughest kid in school and say, "Hey girly-boy. Beat me up. Beat me up real bad."
If you jump off a plane and your parachute doesn't work, (laughs) Bye bye!
Don't feel bad if you get all D's on your report card. It's not your fault you're stupid!
If you want to get clean, rub yourself with a bar of soap. If you want to get bitten, rub yourself with a squirrel.
Don't put sugar on your hamster and say, "Oooooh, what a sweet hamster."
If this is the last thing you ever do, then congratulations, you're dead!
If you don't know the difference between bologna and your underwear, then I'm not eating lunch at your house!
Never feed your dog three pounds of beef just so you can say, "Look at my new stuffed animal!"
There's no real reason to play basketball naked.
If you have a friend that says, "I'm a little gumdrop, and I like to push my face into things that are sharp and pointy," then you have one weird friend.
If you have a pizza delivered, it's nice to tip the pizza man a dollar. It's not nice to say, "Hey, thanks for the pizza...could you help me put it in my pants?"
After you blow out your birthday candles, if someone asks you what you wished for, it's rude to say, "I wished you were a giant piece of ham so I could poke you with my fork!"
It's a bad idea to cover your head with honey, stick it in a beehive, and say, "Here, bees! Feast on my sweet head!"
If you are wearing a T-shirt that says, "I'm extremely stupid," then you're extremely stupid.
At fine restaurants, it's considered rude to butter yourself.
It's not nice to buy a gallon of blue paint, wait till your mom falls asleep, paint her, and then say, "What's the matter, Mama? Feeling blue?"
If you're on a first date with somebody, never stick your finger in their spaghetti, twirl it, and holler, "Lookie, date, I'm makin' sketti circles!"
Never pour gravy on your head and then scream, "Hey, look at me, I'm meatloaf girl!"
If you look at a sign and it says "wibly bidly wobly woo", congratulations, you can't read.
One potato, two potato, three potato, four. I rode a bike that had no seat, and now my butt is sore.
Never sit around and think about how wonderful life is, and then you don't hire something ya freak!
If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you put a fish in your pants, you feel all silly.
If people were more like animals, our carpets would have many more stains.
If you can't stand the heat, don't just start throwing rocks at people.
If your friend's mom asks you what you would like to drink, don't say "Oh nothing, my mouth's full of spit."
If you don't have something nice to say to someone, then make sure you have something heavy to throw.
It is better to sit there and look stupid, then it is to stand up, open your mouth and announce "Hey, I'm definitely stupid!"
If you're on time, that's good. If you're on fire, try yelling "AAAAHHHH!!!"