8 replies to this topic

[Rennac]

"Hey Colm, time to go!" I shouted. "Come on!" I remember this day... the day I left Lady L'arachel in search of a new land. I'm still not sure why I volunteered to be their navagator, but I must have had my reasons. "Come on Neimi, time to go!", yelled Colm. "Okay, okay. Come on, Elena." Neimi said. I wonder... How long had it been since the War of the Stones? Was it four, maybe five years? That would make it about seven now, but... but it seems so much longer. We were bid farewell by the only two who even knew where we were, Tethys and Gerik. So, with their farewells on the clean, fresh air of morning and the wind in our hair, we set sail.



How is it so far?

[Dath]

Short. Who is "I"?

[Rennac]

This is only the prologue, and can't you figure out who I am?

[Dath]

Oh...duh. Rennac.

[Zanryu]

You need to create a new paragraph every time the speaker changes. If you were to do that now, you'd lack detail in every paragraph. As it is, it's quite bland and tasteless. Add more meat to it, some more description, and you're golden.

Oh also, change up the words you use sometimes. You keep saying 'yelled' and 'said' and stuff, change it up. 'Bellowed', 'muttered', etc.

[Rennac]

I'll remember that. My next chapter will be out... soon.(ish)

[Fire Blazer]

It's very, very short. Dialog is short. You need separate paragraphs for each line said by a different person (if it's done by the same person, you can properly keep it on one line/paragraph).

"we set sail"; not a bad ending, just seems a little cliche and unoriginal. Go for something more interesting.

The transition between the quick call to Colm and the "I remember this day..." thing isn't that good. It's also a bit confusing once you get into there, and the 4 years ago-7 years ago thing I didn't quite get at first either. Either I'm stupid, or I'd try and make it a bit more clear.

Good luck, hope I wasn't being too harsh.

[Rennac]

I want the criticism now, so it can improve later.

[Sothe]

Sorry for such a late post, but you definitely need to work on length. I am betting on this being a little over one hundred words, and each chapter, including the prologue, should be 700+ per chapter, with a little inconsistency allowed in places. You just need to work on detail and making paragraphs, and that's about it.