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Chapter 01: Escape in the Night (Click Here To Hide/Show Text)
Anleia is a small kingdom based at the center-north region of the Aurloa continent. For centuries they have endured numerous skirmishes and wars with the mighty Charon Empire to the southwest and have held on by the skin of their teeth. Through the tireless efforts of King Halen, they now stand on the verge of a peace treaty with their long and bitter rivals. Princess Josseline is a cheerful and kind lass at the flowering age of eighteen. Slightly spoiled by her loving father and unwittingly left ignorant to the rest of the world. She often spends her days studying, reading, playing, and socializing with the castle staff. She lives an average and uneventful life for a member of royalty. At her side are the dutiful guards assigned to her by her father, Halen. Her mother had died when she was young and she was raised in her early years by her aunt, Florette. When Josseline was six years old, her beloved aunt left home and wed the king of a faraway land, becoming its queen. Ever since that departure, a part of Joss' heart became closed off and she sought to befriend others as a way to reopen it. Her father was always involved in the council and other forms of politics and left little time for father-daughter bonding time. On one otherwise eventless night, Josseline enjoyed her bath without a care in the world. She poured oils into the bath and washed off her porcelain skin as she thought about what the next day would bring. Would they have a visitor the next day, she wondered. Her father's vassals and lesser nobles often visited but she was never allowed much chance to socialize with them, leaving her with only the help to talk to. As she finished her bath she rose from the tub and dried her body off with a nearby towel. She stood naked over the tub and rang a bell to notify the servants that she had been finished. They entered and one drained the rub as the other gave Josseline her robes. She took the time to dry her hair some before donning the burgundy robes, which were made of silk and decorated with a silver trim.
It was dark, the halls were barely lit and the only sounds Josseline could hear was the scratching of branches being blown by the wind and the hooting of the owls perched upon them. The smell of steam and the scent of the bath oils clung to her body as she quietly walked down the hall to her chambers. The moment she entered her bedroom, she sat down in front of an old oak desk and reached for a large, leather-bound tome that was placed on the corner. She opened the book and its secrets were revealed. It was a diary. Apparently one that she had owned for many years. From the size and thickness it seemed to be able to hold a lifetime of memories for her. She grabbed a quill pen and dipped it into an inkwell, then began to write in what had happened over the course of the day. "Tsugua 26th, Year 08 Tres Era Dear Diary. Today I picked flowers in the garden and made a lea for Trevor. He didn't like it because the other guards laughed at him and called him girly. I thought it looked nice, personally. The flowers brought out the color of his eyes. I heard from Daddy that Count Malcolm and the other Lords will be coming here for an assembly of the council. He and his entourage should arrive late tonight and be present at breakfast tomorrow. I hope he brings Maximilian and Marcel. Little Marcel is so cute, I just want to hug him to death. During dinner I also overheard some of the servants repeating rumors that Max and I are engaged. Sadly that is not true. Haha. Max is a very handsome and charming man." Josseline finished writing in her diary and prepared herself for bed. She pulled the covers and sheets from the top of her bed before stripping off the silk robe she was wearing. As she laid down in the bed the feeling of the warm and soft sheets against her bare skin filled her body with pleasure. Josseline turned to her side and closed her eyes as the lights dimmed and she slowly drifted off to sleep.
She was sleeping like a baby. Josseline dreamed of being in a large meadow full of blooming flowers. She was a child again, running off into the distance towards her mother, father, aunt, and grandmother. The four people she adored most in the entire world. Just as she ran into her mother's arms, Josseline was awoken by a large crashing noise and the sounds of screams. She was frightened as she had never heard such awful racket before. The young princess jumped out of her bed and put on her silk robes. She grabbed a lantern and lit it before leaving her chambers. As she exited her room the horrifying sounds only grew louder. She wandered in to the assembly hall and finally learned where the noises originated. The castle was being invaded and the loyal guards were fighting valiantly against the attackers. Before she could make a sound she felt someone grab her and jerk her away and out of sight. It was Trevor, one of her guards whom she had written about in her diary. In the hallway Trevor placed his finger over his lip, telling her to stay quiet. They moved back to her chambers and he locked the door behind them. "Milady," he said. "The castle is under attack. We must escape!" "Attack?" she asked, perplexed. "Who would do such a thing?" "I don't have time to explain. Get dressed and come with me. King's orders!" Trevor responded hastily. Trevor waited with his back turned while Josseline dressed herself. For a moment he thought of looking back but he knew of the princess' temper and what she would do to him if he was caught peeking. Once she had her clothes on they quickly ran to the guard barracks. Trevor had to dispatch an enemy soldier or two before they had gotten there. Inside the barracks were several bunk beds. Trevor moved to the corner and twisted the base of the lantern that was mounted there. The wall nearby opened to reveal a passageway. This was to be used by the royal family in case of invasion, and this was just such an occasion.
The passage was dark and cramped. Josseline figured the dankness and horrible smell must be what a sewer was like. The pair moved their way downward, quickly descending the twisty flight of stairs. Off in the distance they could hear the sounds of battle. Metal striking metal, the snarls of men fighting like beasts, and the cries of the fallen. What Josseline had seen and heard on this night was traumatizing. They had been lead by the passageway to the stables outside of the castle. Luckily this place had not yet been discovered by the invaders. Trevor helped the princess onto the steed. It was a fully grown colt. One that looked suited to be a knight's mount. Trevor jumped behind the princess and whispered in her ear. "Hold on tight or else you'll fall off." The horse neighed loudly as Trevor pulled the reigns. It took off, speeding into the darkness. They made their way down a dirt road that lead away from the capital city. Their luck seemed to had run out as Trevor spotted two mounted soldiers stationed on the roads. The enemy leader must have anticipated an escape and took measures. They were spotted and the enemies began to pursue them. One of the enemy solders began to pull alongside Trevor's horse. He was clad in armor and his helmet covered his face. The soldier drew a sword and began to strike at him. Trevor managed to defend as best as he could and seized the moment when the armored knight was close enough. He shoved him off of his steed and the enemy's body bounced on the ground and was trampled by the other knight's horse. There was no time to see if he had been killed by it. The second soldier was dressed identical to his partner but wielded a lance. This one had the gift of range and he repeatedly jabbed at Trevor and Josseline, hoping to show one of them his point. Trevor realized if they continued like this it would not be long until they died. He did everything he could to make the horse accelerate.
Once he had the distance he needed he pulled the reigns to the side, commanding the horse to turn. The steed circled around to the enemy flank and Trevor slashed at the backside of the enemy's horse. It was a despicable move, to strike an animal. But there was no time to debate over ethics while their lives were in peril. The horse became frantic and threw it's rider off and onto the cold, hard ground. Trevor had dealt with the immediate threat and rode off into the night. They rode for hours. Trevor had gotten Josseline out of immediate danger and now the next part of his assignment was about to begin. Escort the princess to safer lands. Josseline was tired, she had barely had an hour to sleep before the attack on the castle, and they had been riding on the back of the horse all night. All she wanted was to close her eyes and go to sleep. Maybe if she did she would wake up and realize this was all just a dream. Trevor stopped at a farmstead. From the looks it had been abandoned for many years. He got off the horse and helped the princess down. Josseline stretched her legs after spending the whole night riding. She felt reminded of why she had chose not to become an equestrian. Even the horse was relived to have a break. It celebrated by eating on the tall grass around the area. Trevor opened the door to the old farmhouse. The door was locked but he managed to force it open. Just as it appeared, the place was deserted. There was nothing inside but some old furniture, what looked like rotted food in the cupboards, and everything was covered with a thick dusty film. The walls were covered with cobwebs. Josseline walked deeper into the house and was horrified to find two skeletons in the large bedroom. Trevor ran into the room, sword drawn, after hearing her cries. Unlike the princess he was relieved to see it was nothing dangerous.
Going by how long this house as been abandoned and the fact that the owners appeared to have died in bed. Trevor deduced that these people must have died during a great plague that ravaged Anleia twenty years ago and took thousands of lives. Aurloa continent lacked the healing magics and medicinal potions of the northern Dora Continent. This farmstead was in the middle of nowhere so he didn't need to wonder why nobody ever knew these people had died. Now that they had escaped danger and Josseline had decided that she had been patient long enough. She needed to know what had happened and why her father did not escape with them. She walked up to Trevor and looked him dead in the eyes. "Did my father escape too?" Josseline asked. Trevor diverted his eyes, not wanting to reveal what had happened. He never lied being the bearer of bad news but this time he found he had little choice. "When I last saw him he was alive, but he stayed behind to fight alongside the troops," he explained. "I highly doubt that he still lives." "Why did this happen?" Josseline asked. "Who would attack the keep?" "The enemy's armor had the crest of House Adrias," he answered. "It seems that Count Malcolm has pulled a coup." Josseline was shocked at what she had just heard. To her knowledge, her father was loved and respected by all of his subjects. It was inconceivable why her father's most loyal friend and general would commit regicide. He had always been kind to her. She had even taken a liking to his elder son and adored his younger son like a little brother. The level of betrayal she felt now could not be put to words. Trevor placed his hand on Josseline's shoulder to comfort her. He had an idea of what she must be going through and felt that maintaining her emotional well being was just as important as protecting her physically.
"All I know is that there has been tension between the King and Count Adrias lately," he explained. "The count has strongly opposed the treaty with the Charon Empire and I would guess that he plans to usurp the throne to prevent it from happening." "Why would he want to prevent peace?" she questioned curiously. "The wars have done nothing but hurt us." Trevor was not sure how to respond to that. He himself did not have much to offer to the conversation other than a personal hunch. "The Count has always held a strong prejudice against the Charonians. My guess would be that he either doesn't trust that they will keep their end of the treaty or he's looking to destroy what he hates," he said. "And the fact that he was willing to murder your father shows just how serious he is." Josseline could not bear to keep up the conversation. She was young and ignorant of the world. A princess safely kept in a castle for her whole life can not help but not know the ugly truths of the world. Trevor had to wonder what her father was thinking by doing this. Was the king trying to protect his beloved child? Was he intending to make her future husband the ruler of the land? Or was he secretly trying to keep her all to himself? He could not tell and it was not a good time to ask, not that the princess would know. Trevor felt as if the conversation had reached its end. At the moment there was nothing more to say. They needed to make places to sleep and prepare a meal. With the Count surely looking for them it was not safe to be seen during daylight. So they decided they would rest while the sun stood in the sky and set out when twilight came. Trevor decided to look out in the remains of the fields and see if anything edible still grew while Joss remained in the farmhouse to clean. The moment Trevor left the house he heard Josseline break. She could no longer hold back her tears and became overcome by grief.
The fields were overgrown with grass but luckily the descendants of the crops planted decades ago still grew. Trevor used his sword to cut through the weeds and gather vegetables. He had found some carrots, onions, and potatoes. And luckily enough he spotted a hare across from him. Trevor smiled, eager to have meat for dinner. He pounced at it like a cat chasing a mouse but the hare skillfully avoided his assault. The young, red haired guardsman was not discouraged and welcomed a challenge from a worthy opponent. Back in the house, Josseline had managed to dry her eyes and begin to work. She wiped the dust off of everything using an old feather brush she had found in the closet. After that she pulled out a large pot and filled it with water from the basin outside. She figured Trevor would be able to find some vegetables for them to make a soup out of and prepared as best as she could. She did her best to remember everything she had seen the help back at the castle do when cooking and cleaning. But sadly she wasn't very good at it. Trevor walked in with an arm full of vegetables and a skinned hare slung over his shoulder. Josseline was impressed with him and for that moment, actually felt peaceful. In another lifetime she could have been a farmer's wife and lived in a house just like this, except a little bit cleaner. As she daydreamed, Joss fed a few of the carrots to Trevor's horse while Trevor looked for wood to burn. Josseline cut up the vegetables and meat and added them to the pot. There was nothing to do but tend the soup and wait for it to finish. Trevor began to feel bored and tried to start up a conversation. "So, did they teach you how to cook back at the castle," he asked. Josseline was amused at his question. "No, I just watched the servants as they did it," she answered. "And I kinda suck at it." Trevor laughed at her response. He was a little surprised that a royal could loosen up so much.
After the soup was finished cooking they filled their bowls and began to eat. It tasted horrible. There were no spices to enrich the flavor, the vegetables had not been watered since the last storm, and the meat was gamey but actually the best part of it. Josseline had to struggle to not spit it out at first taste. As a princess she had been used to gourmet dishes that the chef had made. She had never eaten anything that was not made from the finest ingredients and well seasoned. Trevor had no problem eating it. In fact, the soup tasted better than the meals the soldiers ate in the castle's mess hall. King Halen, for all his good qualities, had overlooked how the men who served him were taken care of. "Blech, how can you eat this so easily," Josseline asked with her tongue hanging out of her mouth. "I know, I should be grateful we even have food, but this isn't something I'm used to." "Heh, it's better than the rice and potatoes I normally eat." he said laughingly. "Well then, If we ever get to go back to the Keep. Please remind me to talk to the cook." Joss and Trevor finished their meal and rested until nightfall. But Joss was the only one really resting. Trevor sat outside, waiting for something, anything to happen as he rested his head on the water basin. Time seemed to slip by fast as the sun made its way to the western side of the sky. Trevor rose to his feet and went back into the house to wake Josseline from her slumber. He thought that she seemed so peaceful and hated that he had to wake her. But he knew what he had to do. Once she was awake they ate more of the soup and readied for departure. As they did the night before, Trevor helped the princess onto the horse and mounted himself at her back. He yanked the reigns and ordered the horse to go. "Where will we go?" Josseline asked.
"The count will be looking for you," he said. "You're the one who can make the truth become known and dethrone him. He'll either try to kill us or capture you and make you into his figurehead." "How would he be able to do that?" Josseline asked with her head full of questions. "If he captured me I could just tell the truth at the next council meeting." Trevor knew better than her. The count could resort to any number of duplicitous methods to keep her in line. He could threaten to hurt innocents, force her to wed his eldest son. Or he could brainwash her. He spent the whole night explaining this to her.
Strange, quoting works differently. Oh, well, you'll have to deal with my SFness.
So... (Click Here To Hide/Show Text)
[QUOTE=Nayr,Aug 12 2011, 04:28 PM]Yea I've taken up writing.
[/QUOTE]
Don't you decensor porn?
[QUOTE]
It was dark. The smell of steam from the bath still clung to her body[/QUOTE]
Because that lineage is kinda showing.
[QUOTE]as she quietly walked down the hall to her chambers. Nothing could be heard except the hooting of the owls and the wind. She entered her chambers and lit the lamps with the candle she had carried with her for light. She sat down and opened a book. A large leather-back tome. It was a diary, one that she must have had for years as many of the large pages had been written in. The serenity as she wrote went on for what felt like an eternity to her.
After she finished writing in the events of her otherwise uneventful day she pulled down the covers of her bed and gently lied down, turning to her left side and closing her eyes as the lights went out.[/quote]
Sorry, I just fell asleep. I needed to be prodded awake by the gentle embrace of a taser.
[quote]An hour passed and all seemed peaceful until she was startled awake by a loud crash and the sound of men yelling. What was happening, she wondered.[/quote]"without using so much as a single exclamation mark or sign of emotion at all."[quote]She jumped out of bed and ran out into the hall. One of the castle guards was there to greet her.[/quote]
"GOOD MORROW!"
[quote]
"Milady, the castle is under attack. Your father is dead." The guard said hastily. "We must escape."
Before she could say a word the guard took her by the hand and ran to the castle's pantry.[/quote]
The bitches are only good for the sammiches.
[quote]There was a secret exit there which was to be used by the royal family just in case the castle was attacked. And this was just the circumstance. They quickly descended down the stairs. Off in the distance she could hear the horrific sounds of battle. Metal striking metal, the grunts of attacking men and the wails of the falling dead. [/quote]
It's amazing just how little I know about the setting, and previously thought impossible how little I care.
[quote]They reached the castle stables. Lucky the invading army had not arrived at this place yet, he thought. The young guard helped the lady up onto the horse and mounted himself at the front. "Hold on tightly or else you will fall. And please, stay quiet. Our voices will draw attention." The horse let out a yell as he pulled the reigns, ordering it to charge.
[/quote]
Quickly! We must mount a headlong charge bringing our full powers of stealth to bear!
[quote]
They quietly rode for hours on end until the castle was no longer in sight. Eventually they stopped at what appeared to be an abandoned farm. A perfect place to hide and get rest, he thought to himself.[/quote]
...Does anyone have a name? Does this guy even have eyes?
[quote]They went inside and looked around. Truly this place had been abandoned as it looked like nobody had been there for years. The walls, floors, and furniture were covered in dust and cobwebs.
"Who is attacking us, Sir Trevor?" the lady asked.[/quote]
TREVOR, THE SON OF LONK, COME INTO THIS WORLD TO RIP OUT THE BELLY OF THE TRAITOR WHO WOULD CALL HIMSELF DOUG.
[quote]"If my father is truly dead then I need to know who is responsible." Her eyes looked so young and honest. She was naive about the world and ignorant to the horrible truths of politics. To her it seemed inconceivable that someone could do such a horrible thing to her family.
"Their armor bore the crest of Adrias. It was Count Malcolm who murdered the King." he answered. "He must have started a coup de etat."
Her face was filled with shock. The count had always been a good friend to her father and kind to her. She had even taken a liking to his son who was a couple of years older than her. "Why would he do this?[/quote]
Why would you write this story when you have put absolutely NO emotion at stake? At least Doug's tale was so ruinously bad I could wail at every couple sentences, and it was INTERESTING. This sheer malaise of boredom is giving the illusion that this is better! This cannot stand!
[quote]We always showed them respect and kindness." She wondered as tears welled up in her eyes. She had been given no time earlier to grieve or even to process the knowledge of her father's demise.
"Princess Josseline" Trevor sighed. "Lately political relations between your father and the count have been... strained.[/quote]
An observant man, this Trevor. Did he notice the slight tensions before or after EVERYBODY DIED?
[quote]The King seeks a treaty between our land and the neighboring empire, while the Count seeks war and expansion. The Count has publicly stated that your father endangers the nation". Jossaline's face looked puzzled. After all, It was a lot to take in. "How is peace between nations a threat?" she asked.
The young guard looked away, not sure of the answer. He quietly thought to himself, looking for the right words to say. He turned to her and put his hand on her shoulder. She could see the fatigue in his eyes from riding all night. "Some people lie."[/quote]
TREVOR PULLS ASIDE THE SHROUD OF DARKNESS TO REVEAL THE PROFUNDITIES OF THE UNIVERSE
[quote]he finally answered. "The count may believe that the empire is only going along with a treaty so we will lower our guard, and that your father wants peace too badly to see the truth."
"That does not justify murder!" she yelled.
"I never said it did. But the fact of the matter is that he did it and you may be in danger." he said to defend himself.
"Then what is your opinion on the matter?" she asked him curiously.
He sat down and pulled two pieces of dried jerky from his bag. He handed her one and started to eat the one he had for himself. "I want peace. But I'm also not sure its possible. The Emporer has never been a man of peace in the past. It seems strange that he would want to negotiate now.".[/quote]
I'd say "WELL, AT LEAST YOU GOT THE FUNDAMENTALS. LIKE A SQUIRE. EVERYONE LOVES THE MOTHER****IN' SQUIRES".
Except you don't appear to have taken English past the high school level, so...
[quote]There was no more to be said on the issue. So they sat and quietly ate. And they rested until nightfall when they resumed their escape not knowing when or if the Count's men would find them.
"Where are we escaping to?" she asked as they rode along the dirt roads at the forest's edge. The young guard kept his eyes attached to the road. "We are headed to the coast. We will take ship and flee to the kingdoms across the ocean." he replied. "You have family among the royals of the Duma Kingdom. Your father had it arranged for you to be given asylum in case something were to happen to him."[/quote]
An infodump is one thing. A set of names with no values or emotion attached to them is entirely another.
[quote]As the days passed they followed the same routine. Hide and rest during the day, and set off at nightfall. Careful not to stay too long should the count be hunting her. It was not unreasonable to assume. Since he knows of her relatives and the fact that if allowed to escape she could return at the head of an army, eager for justice or vengeance, as the case may be.[/quote]
OH MY GOD JUST **** ALREADY
[quote]Eventually they reached a small port town. They wore cloaks and removed any identifiable items and kept them out of sight. To any passerby, they were just a young couple looking for transportation. Not the princess and her guard.
After hours of searching for a captain who was willing to escort privately they came upon a small house next to a large ship. They entered, not knowing what they would find. In the house there was a middle aged man with a receding hairline sitting down and drinking tea. He looked at them suspiciously and asked "What are you doing in here. We're closed."
"But the sign says open" Josseline answered.
"Its a mistake. We're never open"[/quote]
...In fact, did you ever take English past primary school?
[quote]Trevor stepped forward and produced a bag of gold coins. "We need a ship to Duma and we'll pay whatever the price for it and for your discretion" he said. The man took the satchel from him and inspected the amount of coins inside. He was shocked to see that they were authentic.[/quote]
"You seek to 'pay' me with the CURRENCY of the REALM? A DANGEROUS and REVOLUTIONARY idea. I like it not."
[quote]
"So, if I'm going to be taking a job like this, I should know some details." he commented. Trevor looked at him, thinking carefully. He decided right now honesty was the best policy and told him everything.[/quote]
Trevor will trust anyone. Nobody could betray Trevor, for his MANLY and JOE THE PLUMBERLY name shall defend him.
[quote]
The man sat there quietly, pondering what he had just been told. That this young woman, no older than sixteen, was the princess of their nation. He had heard that Adrias had occupied the capital so he figured they were telling the truth.
Who else would lay down this much coin and make such a request?[/quote]
An orphan trying to mooch a free ride with no questions asked as to its destination?[quote]
"I'll see you to Duma. Free of charge. Keep the coin, you might need it."[/quote]Oh. Hey. AND IT WORKED. [quote]The man said. The Princesses eyes lit up at the news. She knelt down and thanked him for his kindness. But Trevor was curious and had to ask. "Why do this for free?" The man looked down and smiled. "The King was a good man who treated his subjects well.[/quote] Well, you wouldn't. TAKE THE ****ING MONEY.[quote] Myself included. I would not see the daughter of a man I admire so much fall prey to such monsters." You can trust me. I'm loyal to our royal line.[/quote]
Why do I need to trust the narrator? ...Oh, right. Yeah.
[quote]
They began preparations for departure and like usual, waited till the night before leaving. As soon as the sun set and the sky turned a shade of dark blue they set out. Not knowing if they would ever see home again. Josseline stood at the ship's bow, looking up at the stars. Trevor saw her lips moving but could not read what she was saying. "Perhaps she is praying", he said to himself. He got up and moved toward her. She turned to him and looked at him sadly. "Will we ever come back?" she asked him.
"That decision is for you to make, your highness." he answered. "If you desire, we can return to reconquer your land. But it means saying goodbye to your innocence and walking down a path of blood and sorrow."
[/quote]
****ING FINALLY IT'S OVER
AUGH DEAR GOD ANOTHER THREE
FML
[quote]
Again, it was quiet. The rhythmic sounds of the waves smacking against the starboard side of the ship was all that could be heard. The sun was shining through the porthole and the rocking of the ship was almost nauseating. She had never been on a ship before and she was unprepared for seasickness. The captain had given her some medicine but the side effects had made her tired. She had been bedridden for days. Today however, she felt able.[/quote]
What's the ship called? What does Trevor look like? What's the princess thinking? What does she look like? Did she have sisters? A pet? A favoured toy? A reason to give a shit about her survival?
[quote]
She rose from the bed and she wavered. Still, she felt a little ill. And It took her a moment for her stomach to settle before getting up onto her feet. The rocking of the boat almost knocked her down onto her side and she had to struggle to keep her balance. Her body twice as heavy[/quote]
Fortunately, she's probably got FE proportions (as are typical at this sub-amateur level...), so 'twice as heavy' means 56 kgs, and half of that's her tits. [quote]when moving against the rocking and she was certain that she would be sore later. It seemed funny to her. A princess, once on top of the world now bested by a small ship. If only she could be traveling aboard the royal galleon, she thought. But she felt a little guilty. She was receiving passage for nothing. She had been lucky enough to find a true patriot who would not conform to the new 'king's' order. It was not right for her to look the gift horse in the mouth.[/quote]
"So...no regrets about how everyone you know is dead?"
"Huh?"
"Oh, nevermind."
[quote]
The sun blinded her as she stepped outside. But the moment her eyes cleared she thought it was beautiful. A mildly cloudy yet sunny sky. The ocean was a spectacular shade of blue and in the distance she could see dolphins migrating. The wind felt cold against her skin and ran through her long brown hair. She hadn't bought her comb and thus could not tame or style her hair in its usual fashion. Combed back with a braid going from the sides to the back. Instead her hair was messy and tangled in some places. She was quite embarrassed about it.
"Oh, I see your awake. How do you feel?" Trevor asked considerately. She smiled at him. Looking at his short red hair. It looked quite messy to her, they were two of a kind she thought. He was wondering what was so funny to her but didn't ask about it. She thought he was handsome ever since she had gotten a good look at him without his helmet on. He could not be any older than her either. It was a wonder to her why someone so young would be in the military, serving as a castle guard. Were minors allowed to enlist or did her father allow them to be conscripted. Several ideas went right through her head.
[/quote]
They're going to ****.
[quote]"I'm doing better. Thank you for asking"
"Its my duty to look out for your well being, milady."
"Please, just call me Josseline. I think we should be on a first name basis now."
[/quote]
And exchange terrible grammar.
[quote]More time passed and they spent the day chatting and watching the birds swoop down on the ocean, catching fish for their meals. Breaking through the barriers between mistress and servant proved difficult for Josseline. Trevor was a dedicated knight and the boundaries had been pounded into his mind during his training. She decided that she would not give up. Never liking that everyone always walked on eggshells with her and spoke to her formally. Perhaps she wasn't really suited to be a royal? The idea crossed her and she supposed she had gotten her wish now, but there was a terrible cost and it was only temporary. Once they arrived in Duma she would be treated as an honored guest of the Queen, her aunt.
"Trevor, can I ask you something?" Josseline requested. Trevor swallowed the bit of food that he was chewing and turned to her to reply. "Of course. What would you like to know?". "Will we encounter pirates out here? My mother used to tell me stories about them. Gallant swashbucklers who sail the seven seas and live by nobody's rules. To some they are criminals but to others they are the freest people in the world." Trevor started laughing and Joss became angry. "Are you laughing at me?" she said agitated. "No no, not at all" Trevor replied. "It's just that those are children's stories. In reality pirates are just bandits that prey on the seas. They would kill the captain and myself, then they would rob, rape, and kill you if we encountered them. So it would not be in our best interests to cross them."[/quote]
Please cross them. I want the storyline to pass to someone more interesting.
[quote]
Josseline looked saddened. As if she had been lied to, but it was just a story told to children. Again her naivety[/quote]
Naïveté. Forgivable, I'll admit.[quote]about the world was shown, and was about to be shown once more. "What is rape?"[/quote]
...Damn it, I hate it when I'm right about where the plot's going. In this case, directly into Trevor's pants.[quote]she asked. Trevor was shocked and fell out of his seat when the latest wave rocked the boat. "Are you kidding me? Have they taught you nothing?" he asked bewildered. Her face became angry and her cheeks puffed out. Trevor sensed the coming reaction and got on his knees to beg for forgiveness. "I'm sorry, Milady. I spoke out of term and I humbly apologize.". Joss turned her head and refused to look him in the eye. "I'm not an idiot" she said coldly.[/quote]
You're an idiot, Jossi. Just for entirely unrelated reasons. Anyway, she's sixteen and a princess besides, it's a miracle she isn't married AND pregnant by now.[quote]"There are simply some things I have yet to learn. Answer my question and I will forgive you."
"Well... how should I put this?" Trevor said, not knowing the best way to put it.[/quote]
Is there really a best way to put it?[/quote] "Rape is when somebody forces another person into sex with violence. Its a violation and a heinous crime to force yourself onto someone else.". Trevor continued to explain. "Its usually a man assaulting a woman in most cases. But in some places, like prisons men will attack other men. Its also rare, but not unheard of, for a woman to attack a man. But that one is debatable since a man cant be with a woman unless he desires to."[/quote]
"Oh."
[beat]
"What's sex?"
"Jossi, shut up."
[QUOTE]
Joss stayed quiet for a minute to process the information. To hear something like this only dirtied her view of the world even more. She began to wonder if humans were beasts and not civil creatures as she believed. One after another, she was seeing the cruelty of mankind. Her father murdered, her being driven from her home to escape an execution or worse, and now to learn that people do such violent and cruel things to each other. It became obvious to her how naive and innocent she actually was, how sheltered from the world she had been. It hit her hard and threatened to change who she was. But in this moment of doubt she considered the kindness some people had shown. Trevor risked his life for her and protects her. The kind ship captain offered her free passage and a vow to see her to safety. Would a beast do these things? She came to the conclusion that there were good and bad people in the world and that giving up all faith was not the right choice.
"Thank you for telling me, Trevor."
"Anytime."
[/QUOTE]
Trevor; Idealists Broken, 24/7. Reasonable rates charged for princesses, peasant boys and Kolbanes.
[QUOTE] The captain emerged to the deck. His face had a look of concern. "We're going to be dropping anchor for a couple of hours" he said. "Pirates like to plunder this area since it sees a lot of traffic between Duma and Anleia. If we keep quiet and wait till nightfall we should avoid them.[/QUOTE]
Keeping quiet and waiting 'til nightfall is like the magic keycard to survival in this ****ing place.
[QUOTE]But keep your eyes peeled just in case." Speak of the devil and he will appear, Trevor thought to himself when considering the irony of the situation. They were just talking about pirates and now they are in danger of meeting them. [/QUOTE]That isn't irony.
[QUOTE]Although the situation is not unreasonable, a small ship sailing alone on the open sea in a very public route.
Trevor jumped up and ran into the cabin. A moment later he emerged with his armor on and two swords in hands. "Take this sword" he said to Joss. "If I die you will have to defend yourself. I hope you know how to use this." Joss looked frightened and pushed back the sword. "I have not been trained with swords. I'm sorry." she replied apologetically. Trevor pushed the sword back into her hands and drew his blade. "Then I'll teach you. Stand back and let me show you the forms."
Trevor made sure he was a fair distance from Joss and took several poses. "These guard stances" he said. "Keeping a solid stance makes it possible to defend and attack quickly." Trevor then made several slashing motions. "This stance allows you to cut the throat of your enemy, and this one the side. This one here is for stabbing through the abdomen."[/QUOTE]
Because everyone will be very kind and will stand in place to be cut down.
Here's an example, because Bronn is ****ing Awesome. Bronn is the fellow who keeps moving. Bronn is the fellow who, in fact, may be said to be running the **** away for the entire fight.
Guess who wins? And might I mention the victor is obvious from the start in the novel.
[QUOTE]He continued his instructions as she watched quietly. "These are guard positions. You can block attacks with these positions here. When the swords connect you can force the blade to the side and strike while their guard is open. That's called Parry Attack.".[/QUOTE]
No, it's called a riposte.
[QUOTE]He wiped his face with a cloth and stepped back. "Okay, now you try."
Trevor was awestruck as Princess Josseline perfectly reenacted his every move flawlessly.[/QUOTE]
For ****'s sake.
[QUOTE]Was she lying before, he wondered. Or perhaps she was a prodigy. Either way he was impressed. Eventually she turned to him and aimed the blade at him. Words did not have to be said, she wanted to spar with him. He was reluctant to risk the princess' safety by assaulting her but he realizes it is important that she be able to defend herself. He smiled and erected his sword, ready to accept her challenge.
The two sparred for an hour. Trevor was continuously impressed with how quickly she picked up the style. But eventually she landed a hit on him and cut his face. "Are you alright? I hurt you, I'm so sorry." she said frantically. "I'm no good at this." Trevor smiled and wiped the blood from his face. "Actually you're amazing. Its only a scratch, 'tis nothing." he said before sticking his tongue out at her. She smiled, happy that she had impressed her teacher. But his face continued to bleed. The cut she dealt was deep even if he would not admit it. Without speaking a word she placed her hand on it and muttered words. Trevor could not understand them and to him it sounded like another language. Her hand glowed and he felt the sting on his skin vanish away. When she removed her hand he checked and the wound had vanished.[/QUOTE]
Did you hear a faint retching sound?
That was me.
Throwing up into the waste paper bin.
Because she's a ****ing blatant Sue.
[QUOTE]
Trevor looked at her again bewildered. Was this magic, he wondered? He had heard of few people with healing abilities but had never seen one himself. He assumed it was witchcraft, but the princess was too sweet and innocent to dabble in such dark practices. "What was that?" he asked. His eyes were wide open and refused to close, even to blink. "I wasn't taught swordplay because I was trained as a cleric." she answered. "Clerics draw power from faith and use it to heal the injuries of others. Its a rare art but my father thought it would make me unique.". Trevor's shock subsided and he exhaled. "It truly does. Princess Jossaline, the Healing Blade". Joss laughed at the title he had just bestowed on her. Usually it was the royalty who bestowed title on knights, not the other way around.[/QUOTE]
Ha ha ha ! That is indeed amusing !
[QUOTE]
As Josseline turned around her eyes went wide with shock. She spotted a ship in the distance with a black sail. On it was a skull and crossbones.[/QUOTE]
"My gods! It's Cliche Stan and his Typical Typicirates![QUOTE]And before she could speak a thunderous noise muted every other sound and Trevor pushed her to the ground. The cannonball missed the ship and almost hit her. Trevor had just saved her life. The captain came out, axe in hand. "Get ready, this isn't going to be easy.'
His words repeated in their minds as the ship ran up the side of their own and several men looked down on them from above. Things were bad.
The situation did not look good. Two men and one woman versus a whole crew of pirates. Brutal and merciless thugs who scour the seven seas looking for people to steal from. And they were good at it too. Several nations have hunted them and placed high bounties on their heads. And many have been killed foolishly trying to claim those bounties. Could they win or perhaps broker a deal, Trevor wondered. A million thoughts on what to do and a million thoughts on ways to escape passed through his mind. But none were possible, except one. Fight!
Three pirates climbed down a rope ladder onto the ship. One was large and muscular. Well kept for a pirate. The second was short and appeared to be bald. The third was fat and had long messy hair and was missing teeth.[/QUOTE]
Pretty sure this is more description than anyone gave Nameless McAxeCappy.[QUOTE]The large pirate stepped forward and spoke. "Listen up, we're taking your valuables." he said in a loud voice. "You can call me Roak. The short guy here is Maric, and tubby here is Jeremy but we all call him Germ."[/QUOTE]Captain Slow, Hamster and Clarkson. Got it.[QUOTE]Trevor looked at them perplexed. "Why the introduction?" he asked curiously. "Unless you don't plan to let us live. But take my word for it. We wont go down without a fight!"
The three men looked at each other and laughed. "This guy's got spunk. And he's a cutie too, dont'cha think?" Germ said. "We'll have some real fun with him.".[/QUOTE]
Gasp! A queerosexual? He must be evil!
[QUOTE]Trevor's eyes opened wide with shock. What were they talking about, he wondered. Rape, perhaps? But he was a man, unless these pirates went for that particular thing. He supposed he should feel relieved.[/QUOTE]
Trevor's bi? Oh, wait, bi people don't exist in pre-amateur fiction unless they make up the majority of the cast.[QUOTE]Since it meant the princess would not be violated.[/QUOTE]
Right. Well I might have responded to them together had they been in the same sentence.
[QUOTE]Although it crossed his mind that these are three of at least seven pirates. The others might be interested in her.
"Ahahaha, look at the expression on the kid's face, guys." Maric said. "He's shocked. Doesn't he know that we're all gay?"
"I suppose not." commented Roak.
"Umm, could you please not rape me or anybody on this ship?" Trevor politely asked. The pirates laughed again. "Well it's either you or us. And you're fresh meat. If the girl is what you're worried about. The captain only hires homosexuals as crewmen.[/QUOTE]
...Why?[QUOTE]She doesn't like being harassed."[/QUOTE]Because a knife to the face can never discourage rape. If she's the captain, she's already the strongest, and commands enough respect to have anyone who ****s with her killed at will.[QUOTE]Roak explained. Josseline jumped forward and looked the men head on. "I am Princess Josseline of Anleia. Any crimes committed against me or my escort will result in your execution!". She was bluffing but they might not know of the situation in her homeland, she thought to herself.
Roak paused, processing the information he had just learned. It was an interesting thing to learn. That of all people to raid it was the princess of Anleia. But it appeared to have not phased him. "I heard what happened to King Halen. He's been murdered by assassins sent by the Charon Empire and his daughter kidnapped. Count Malcolm Adrias has taken place as regent and put a reward on the princess." he said informatively. "He's offering a whopping three million gold for your return."
"That's a lie!" she protested. "Adrias started a coup and seized Anleia Keep. I escaped with my bodyguard and now we're fleeing for our lives." Roak was quick in his reply. "Make's sense. Since he doesn't ask for your safe return.". He turned his head and scratched the back of his neck. "But money is money, and the reward for you is enough for us all to retire very comfortably. I hear the New Haver Province in the Acirema Empire is very lovely place. Real classy. Or maybe Flornia. Nothing like a beach resort to remind you of your glory days while you're being pampered."
Trevor placed his hand on Joss' shoulder and stepped forward. "If you see us to Duma, the queen will reward you for bringing her niece there safely. If Joss asks she can pay you double the Count's reward!" he exclaimed. Joss was shocked at this. Trevor was a commoner and a castle guard. He knew nothing of the Queen of Duma and had no right to make promises on her behalf. But she figured it was a ruse, a ploy to keep them safe until they reach the capital city of Duma and were able to be protected from them. But still, such deception did not sit comfortably with her.[/QUOTE]
ITF: Joss prefers dying to lying.
[QUOTE]Roak looked puzzled at his claims. He was thinking the same thing as Jossline pretty much. He knew it was a ruse, but one that might pay off.[/QUOTE]
...Huh?
[QUOTE]Consideration was written on his face. He knew it very well was possible that they could walk away with six million coins. But he wasn't stupid. A trap was the likely ending.[/QUOTE]...But he 'knows' it's a ruse. So...
[QUOTE]Roak stepped forward and drew his blade. It was a Cutlass[/QUOTE]Gasp! A capital letter! No ordinary swordsman could wield that thing![QUOTE]one that his large had could barely fit through. "You've got a lot of nerve kid. I suppose you get your wish. No rape, but you're gonna die for daring to trick us like that. We'll take the girl to Adrias and get our pay."
Trevor looked sad.[/QUOTE]
Aww. Poor Twevor.
[QUOTE]He had hoped that they could reach a peaceful agreement. But he knew from the start what would happen. "One on one. I hope you pirates are able to fight fair."[/QUOTE]
...Why would you do that? EVER? THEY HAVE A ****ING CANNON, I HOPE YOU REALISE.[QUOTE] he said. Without another word he drew his sword and took a fighting pose. Trevor studied his stance and deduced his style. "That's the Anleian City Guard style of swordplay. It's simple yet effective. But I've killed lots of men who use that style. We'll see how you measure up." Roak boasted.
The fight began. Roak[/QUOTE]
...pulled out a crossbow and shot him through the face.
[QUOTE]rushed him and slashed to the left. Trevor ducked down to dodge but the large pirate turned his wrist and slashed again from the other direction. The young guard managed to raise his sword quickly enough to block. The clangs of metal and grueling noises rung through Josseline. Bringing back horrible flashbacks of the night she escaped from the castle. It had not bothered her till now. She did not think it would but it did. Seeing the repeated motions of attack, defense, and counter going between Roak and Trevor frightened her. She may have been able to learn to fight, but she was not the type to fight.
Sweat poured down Trevor's brow and was flung off every time he strafed to avoid beings struck by his enemy's blade. He was surprisingly coordinated and adept in Fencing style for his size and proved to be difficult. He had almost struck Roak a couple of times but failed. One hit had been landed on himself but luckily his armor protected him from the pirate's attack. Trevor was in a hard place, having to think quickly to keep himself alive but also figure out the right movements to fell his opponent before dying himself. He had to move out of the way as Roak brought his sword straight down with every ounce of his strength. The wood of the floor gave before the might of his strike and it was there that Trevor saw his opening. He strafed to Roak's right before he could recover his posture and slashed at his ankle.
Roak had been dealt a blow, first blood had been drawn and it was in a critical area. With his foot injured it was harder to move and the tide of the fight was turning. Trevor was smaller and well trained, he thought to himself. And now he was hindered. He spun around using his good leg for balance and slashed at Trevor in a wide arc. Trevor easily avoided it and took advantage of the fact that Roak was becoming desperate. He repeated his attack but this time slashed at his side. Blood was slung from the blade as it tore through his flesh. He had cut deep and Roak grasped his side instinctively. But before he could land the killing blow he was interrupted. Maric had stepped in to protect his comrade.
Perhaps the pirates had a code of honor after all.As Roak stepped back Maric [/QUOTE]
I'm sorry, I kinda vagued out through that because EVERYONE SHOULD BE DEAD BY NOW AUGH
[QUOTE]began to take his place in the fight. He did not use a sword like his fellow, however. Maric fought using a harpoon as a lance. His strikes were swift and it was all Trevor could do to avoid them. He was at a disadvantage. A sword was a close range while the harpoon gave Maric the gift of distance. Germ looked eager to jump in and double team Trevor, his mouth drooling. The middle age ship Captain stepped in his way. "The lad said one on one. I wont let you odd the evens."[/QUOTE]
Oho! A quip! Quickly, kill him before he can swing on a chandelier![QUOTE]he said. "They said your name is Jeremy, well I'm Captain Chet of the Chevalier.".[/QUOTE]
You can call me Chet. Chet. My name is Chet.
*scribbles down My Name is Chet on some paper.*
[QUOTE]
Chet began to fight with Germ as Trevor continued to battle with Maric. Barely staying alive. A fisherman this man must be, he thought. His strikes of his harpoon could easily snatch a fish.[/QUOTE]
I think that's incidental, and what he's actually trying to do is kill you.[QUOTE](some more fighting and shit)
Josseline looked upon them in horror. She could not move, entranced on the battle and the flow of traumatic memories from that fateful night. Trevor continued to barely survive against Maric. Truly this man made Roak look amateur. Eventually what he feared happened. Maric's harpoon had dealt a blow. Trevor's side was badly gashed and he was down on the ground trying to stop the bleeding. "Damn it all!" he snarled. "This isn't good.". Maric loomed over him with a smirk on his face. "I finally got you. You were a hard fish to catch. Now you're on the ground whining like a little bitch. Watching you squirm is gonna be fun."
Maric began to unfasten his belt. His intent was obvious. Not like Roak who was simply going to kill him, this one was going to have his fun. But just as it came undone Maric's laughing ceased and was replaced by gagging. He tasted blood in his mouth and looked down. Horror descended on him as he saw a blade protruding through his chest. He had been impaled while his guard was down. But by who he wondered. That's when it hit him. He had ignored the princess, believing she was too scared to use the blade she was given. But it became apparent she was willing to defend her guard. Maric fell, dead as soon as he hit the ground.[/QUOTE]
Oh, Hammond. How were you to know that raping someone's escort in front of them while they had a sword in the middle of battle was a bad idea?
[QUOTE]
Trevor looked on at the Princess. She was crying as she unsheathed her sword from the small pirate's body. Josseline fell to her knees and began sobbing with both hands on her head. Trevor forced himself up and to her side. "Are you alright, Princess?" he asked her. "Thank you, you saved my life. Please don't forget that.". His words meant little to her. She had just killed a person. In her heart she believed that she had committed murder, the ultimate act of evil.[/QUOTE]My god, how thick IS this bitch?[QUOTE]
trevor's groans snapped her back to reality and she realized that he needed medical attention. She placed her hands over his gash and began to recite her chant. " Corrigant confractum istum hominem. ". Her words sounded ancient. As if from a dead language of another world.[/QUOTE]
Is that Latin, or just lorem ipsum?[QUOTE]Like before, her hand glowed and his pain vanished. He was healed again. Her ability was truly magnificent. Those hands were not meant to take life.
They looked on to Chet battling with the pirate Germ. His skill with an axe was quite refined. He was easily keeping the fat pirate at bay and toying with him. There must be a story behind those skills, they thought. Perhaps he was a former pirate himself? The skills and the knowledge were there, they could not deny this. As Trevor rose to his feet, sword in hand, Chet landed a fatal blow with his axe. He cut the seafaring bandit through the skull.[/QUOTE]
"Thanks for helping me, guys."
"No problem!"
"I...never mind. I hate you all."[QUOTE]What now? He wondered this. Would Roak rejoin the fight or would the rest of the pirates descend upon them and decimate them, only giving them the notion of hope before snatching it away. His gaze turned upward and he noticed that the rest of the men did not move.
The sun was behind the pirates and all that was visible were the shadows of the pirates. But another figure moved forward. It was a woman from what they could tell. The silence was broken when the woman spoke. "Enough!' she yelled. She jumped down onto the ship and gracefully landed on her feet. This woman was the captain that Roak mentioned. Meaning she must be the toughest woman on the seven seas, Trevor thought.[/QUOTE]
...seven seas.
Again, Cliche Steve...[QUOTE]"I hope my men were not too rough with you. But considering what that girl can do, I think you can handle it.". Josseline looked at her curiously. "How long have you been watching us?" she asked. "The entire time, Roak boarded this ship before consulting me. I probably would have given the same order, but it didn't play out that way." the woman replied.
The Pirate Captain returned the curious look Joss had given her. Joss examined the woman, she looked like she could be in her thirties. She was certainly beautiful. Her short green hair was barely visible under the large captain's hat she wore. On her body was a long red coat with golden pads on the shoulders and a cutlass sheathed and tied to her waist. She was the very image of a pirate captain from the stories Josseline had been told as a child. "I am Captain Faye of the Ether." she said. "I didn't think that the daughter of King Halen would be aboard this ship. It seems fate is in my favor."
"You will not sell her to Malcolm!" Trevor shouted.
"I have no intention of doing so."
Roak stepped forward, surprised over what he had heard. He knew the captain to be ruthless and willing to do anything to make a coin. "But captain..." he said. "We'd be losing out on three million.". Before he could say another word Faye pulled a knife from her belt and dashed forward. She slit Roak's throat and jammed the knife into his eye. "I don't take orders!" she replied to him as he fell dead. Trevor and Joss looked on in horror at her. What captain would take the life of one of her crew?[/QUOTE]
The ****ing stupid kind?[QUOTE]Before they could ask why she spoke. "Roak was too smart for his own good. He was always insubordinate. Never did a damn thing I told him. This was gonna happen sooner or later."[/QUOTE]
Okay, but...you're probably meant to be sympathetic, again?
[QUOTE]Faye approached the princess and looked at her again. "I'm sorry to hear about your father's death. He was a good man." She offered her sympathies. It seemed uncharacteristic of a pirate to offer condolences on someone who posts bounties on her kind. Joss's face looked solemn. "Thank you, I'm sure my father would be happy to know that so many loved him." she said. Trevor could not help himself and spoke. "Why do you have such a good opinion of the king? By all logic he should be your mortal enemy."
Faye laughed at his comment and looked him right in the eye. "I was orphaned before I was old enough to walk. The orphanage I grew up in was hell and I stowed away on a ship and ended up in Anleia. I got caught stealing food at six years old and was going to be put to death. Law enforcement was a lot tougher back then. But Halen, who was prince at the time, heard about my execution and thought killing a child was dreadful. He pulled strings and I ended up getting a flogging instead."[/QUOTE]
Hot.
[QUOTE] she explained, offering up one of many events that happened during her life.[/QUOTE]
Why yes, events do tend to happen over the course of a lifetime.
[QUOTE]"I owe the man my life, and I always pay back my debts. I wont harm Princess Josseline."
Trevor looked puzzled. He could not shake off the feeling of irony that descended upon him. The king had spared a child and she grew up to become a fierce pirate. Perhaps the world would have been better off had she been executed, and perhaps if she were the pirates here would have killed them by now. So he decided it was best to be grateful for the former king's kind heart. "I see. But since you're in the mood to help, could you order your men to leave my arse alone?" he asked nervously. "I'm her bodyguard and she wouldn't want to see me hurt."
Faye chuckled at this. Amused that he would shamelessly invoke the princess to share in her good will. "You've got guts kid. I like you.". Trevor blushed at the comment and thought to himself that he might enjoy it if she were to rape him. He had never actually had the pleasure and would jump at the chance if it were with a woman like her.[/QUOTE]
...Oh, right, yeah. Sorry, forgot it was The Prawn King writing for a second.[QUOTE] His thoughts were halted with her next words. "Don't get any ideas, kid. Or I'll cut out your balls and feed them to my crew." Trevor's anxiousness turned to fear and he quietly stepped back out of her way.[/QUOTE]
Again. Hawt.
[QUOTE] Josseline spoke up. "I humbly thank you for any help you offer us. And you have my word, when we reach Duma you will be properly rewarded.". And with that she made an offer out of generosity. "I would also be happy to tend to any injuries your men may have.". Faye was grateful for the offer but it was not necessary. "Listen honey, in the Aurloa continent your healing powers might be rare. But in the Dora Continent it's quite common. Thanks anyway though."[/QUOTE]
"Yeah, your nation sucks. Man, we're awesome."
[QUOTE]With that said Faye had her men toss Roak, Maric, and Germ's bodies into the ocean. "I feel sorry for the sharks that have to eat their rotten corpses." she said humorously.[/QUOTE]
'Humourously'? Speak for yourself, mate. That joke SUCKED.[QUOTE]"All men, prepare to move. We're escorting the princess to Duma. Change sails too, we don't need to be greeted by the Mage Cannons".
They set off to Duma Kingdom with a new ally leading the way. Their luck seems to be continuing. At least for the moment.
Five days and six nights passed since the battle with Roak, Maric, and Germ. The royal refugee and her dutiful guard had escaped a grim fate and came out of it with a new friend. Ever since Captain Faye of the pirate ship Ether offered her alliance their path has been trouble free. She was a powerful and feared pirate queen among the many swashbucklers who sailed the seven seas and her influence was very helpful. Very soon they saw it. Dry land. The Capital City of Duma Kingdom awaited them in the distance. The royal palace stood at the top of a mountain that sat in the center of the city, surrounded by Mage Cannons.
[/QUOTE]
Can we get an interesting POV yet
[QUOTE] Josseline and Trevor looked on in awe of the glorious city at the sea's edge. Josseline could not believe that her paternal aunt, who cared for her like her own after her mother died during childbirth, was the ruler of such a beautiful land. She had married the King of Duma and moved away when Joss was only six and had not seen her since. Now a decade later, Josseline has only her to turn to in her hour of need. Trevor thought only of Josseline's well being and safety. He was the only guard with the King when the Count's men attacked. King Halen had made him swear to see Joss to safety and to devote his life to guarding her. But in his heart he knew that he would have done this without the urgency.
Faye watched the city from a large fancy chair that sits behind the Ether's helm. Every queen needs a throne, she says. She continued to stare at the city, waiting to arrive as her crew handled the steering, as well as brushing her hair, polishing her nails, and many other things.[/QUOTE]Because when I think 'pirate captain', I think 'concerned about appearances'. It's just that before now it's always been in the 'grenades braided into beard' sense.
[QUOTE]They had been well trained and were used for any and all of her whims.[/QUOTE]
Dude, how literal do you WANT to make Pet Homosexual?
[QUOTE]As she ordered, they had changed the ship's sail and anything that made it stick out so they could enter the city without being caught. This was necessary on many occasions as Faye was a highly wanted woman. But she secretly hoped that at least some of her worse crimes would be expunged from her record in Duma. Even though she was repaying an old debt in her mind she was an opportunist and saw a chance that was too good to pass up.
Chet steered the Chevalier towards the city.[/QUOTE]
...You know, why doesn't he just call it 'the Horseman'? Snippets of lorem ipsum and French do not impress me.
[QUOTE]Thinking about his life up until that moment. He had no family or friends left and now he likely could never return to land, unless he wanted to be hung as a "traitor" to the Kingdom of Anleia. The middle aged sailor figured he could restart his life on the Dora Continent. Perhaps move to the Acireman Empire and become a fisherman.[/QUOTE]
...A fisherman with a galley.
[QUOTE]It was considered the most powerful nation in their world. A magical mecca that allowed its citizens to live very comfortable lives. Or so the stories say, but Chet knew better. Magic or no life is difficult. And as a man who knew none and was too old to learn, he would likely be trampled on.[/QUOTE]
I like how he changed his mind midway through the paragraph.
[QUOTE]
The Ether began to cruise alongside the Chevalier and Faye boldly jumped from her throne onto the smaller vessel. She landed right behind Josseline and Trevor. Trevor was looking well, she thought. Josseline, however, was still troubled by the fact that she had recently killed someone.[/QUOTE]
"How dare you rape Sir Trevor? You've been a very naughty boy! You're going to have to sit in the corner, and no bedtime stories for you!"
[QUOTE]The first is always the hardest as many know. And she was too gentle a soul to ever harden and become used to it. They had taken many opportunities to talk during the last few days. Josseline was likable, and she thought the same for Faye. She had offered to smuggle her and whatever support she might acquire back to her land if Josseline decided to reclaim her homeland. But Joss did not like the idea of war and was not sure she had it in her to cause more bloodshed over a title and a throne.[/QUOTE]
Christ, girl, have you NO sense of vitriol?
I can't deal with more than this in one day. Work on it. You have a LOT to work on. For one, convincing the reader that you give a rat's ass about the story you're writing. That's sorta crucial to the whole process.
QUOTE (Falaflame @ Jul 12 2012, 08:35 AM)
While at it, go ahead, and tell your owner of your gay site
Official; he tolerates homosexuality less than he tolerates stealing and drinking blood.
I've read through chapter two. Here are the comments I have so far.
Joss is all over the place in chapter 1. I'd expect the grief to hit her immediately, given her upbringing, not to wait until she had spent hours riding a horse.
The part where she learns sword fighting and Trevor considers starting sparring... You used "assaulting" and "erected." Right after explaining rape to her. Intentional? Coincidence? Also, on the topic of rape, I like how Trevor's response to her thanking him for explaining rape to her is "Anytime."
Grammar. Sometimes you use commas instead of periods and vice versa. The biggest thing, to me, though, is around dialogue. You usually do something like: "Blah blah blah." He said. It should be: "Blah blah blah," he said. Or: He said, "Blah blah blah." Or even: "Blah," he said, "blah blah."
Also, thoughts. I would end a statement thought with a comma (This cake is good, he thought) and questions with, well, a question mark. When you're framing a quotation or dialogue, you can have a question mark or exclamation mark in the middle of a sentence. So I'd have: Was she lying before? he wondered. Also, I know it's a pain, and I never really do it on forums, either, but it helps to put thoughts in italics.
Occasionally there are some things I would word differently, but that's probably more writing style differences than anything else.
Other than those, it was good. I think rereading it and fixing just typos (I think I saw one or two) and grammar would really improve it.
????????? ???????There, katakana. Happy?
QUOTE
Bobryk -- holy crap I look away for two seconds and I have knots all up in my shit
Woot, more writing going on in this forum! I'll have to take the time to read this at some point.
And lol @ the harsh critique above. You can barely read it because of the broken quotes >.>
Anyway, from just reading the comments (mainly Rujio's) that talk about the use of definite sexual innuendos...I approve. Highly.
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The part where she learns sword fighting and Trevor considers starting sparring... You used "assaulting" and "erected." Right after explaining rape to her.
In my opinion, that's genius. And pretty damn funny. A good writer knows how to manipulate words and how his or her audience will perceive them in a given context. And I believe you've done that well, just from the above.
And about the grammar and typos: I assume you know the basic rules of grammar and all those silly wrong forms of your, misplaced apostrophes, etc are all just silly mistakes. It happens, especially in a long piece of writing. That's what editors are for, anyway
Trust me on this. My second job is an editor and I make silly mistakes all the time. You just have to go through it a few times and catch these things. We all do it, and anyone who says they're a perfect grammarian who never makes mistakes (especially in typing) is a goddamn liar. The intricate rules of the English language are impossible to memorize, so looking to online sources (or, God forbid, actual grammar books) is essential. If I may reiterate, anyone who claims to know everything about grammar of the English language and can use them upon simple recall is, well, a goddamn liar.
It's like my college writing professor always says: "Writing is rewriting."
Anyway, if and when I give critique, it won't be too harsh. Writing styles differ so it's biased to nail someone for their style, and plot flow can't really be assessed from a few pages or excerpts. So, in time, you will know (without critique) whether your story is good or not.
Heh, sorry if my critique came off at all harsh. The period/comma thing got pounded into me by English teacher last year, and of course there are little grammar and spelling things in there.
Now, more critique! Fix the comma/period thing. As I said, my English teacher engrained that in my mind, and now it really bugs me...
More quotation grammar! No need for .". Just one period, before the quotation mark.
"Faye watched the city from a large fancy chair that sits behind the Ether's helm." Don't change tenses. Either Faye watches from the chair or the chair sat behind the Ether's Helm. First time I've noticed this, though.
Use names more often. Fairly often you say "he said" or "she said" and I can't tell which he or she this is.
I'd love to see a full story about Florette's past. That whole part about her past in chapter 4 was very interesting, and I think it's a great idea to expand on.
????????? ???????There, katakana. Happy?
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Bobryk -- holy crap I look away for two seconds and I have knots all up in my shit
I've read through chapter two. Here are the comments I have so far.
Joss is all over the place in chapter 1. I'd expect the grief to hit her immediately, given her upbringing, not to wait until she had spent hours riding a horse.
The part where she learns sword fighting and Trevor considers starting sparring... You used "assaulting" and "erected." Right after explaining rape to her. Intentional? Coincidence? Also, on the topic of rape, I like how Trevor's response to her thanking him for explaining rape to her is "Anytime."
Grammar. Sometimes you use commas instead of periods and vice versa. The biggest thing, to me, though, is around dialogue. You usually do something like: "Blah blah blah." He said. It should be: "Blah blah blah," he said. Or: He said, "Blah blah blah." Or even: "Blah," he said, "blah blah."
Also, thoughts. I would end a statement thought with a comma (This cake is good, he thought) and questions with, well, a question mark. When you're framing a quotation or dialogue, you can have a question mark or exclamation mark in the middle of a sentence. So I'd have: Was she lying before? he wondered. Also, I know it's a pain, and I never really do it on forums, either, but it helps to put thoughts in italics.
Occasionally there are some things I would word differently, but that's probably more writing style differences than anything else.
Other than those, it was good. I think rereading it and fixing just typos (I think I saw one or two) and grammar would really improve it.
Actually it makes sense that she would be all over the place. Not everybody breaks down in grief right away. Some are so shocked at first that it needs time to set in. I don't really want to use this for argument but I have seen it firsthand before. Josseline never saw her father's body and everything happened really fast at the castle.
Also the words assault and erect have more than one meaning. And what Trevor meant was that anytime she wanted to know something, she just has to ask.
Also English wasn't my best subject in school. I know my literary and grammar skills need some work. But I'm a man with a lot of ideas and I realize that writing is a good way to channel that.
@Furetchen: Spoilers negate quotes. Phail. Also the fact that you're from an overcrowded Tard-Bin isn't something that you should broadcast.
I'm inexperienced, I wont lie about it. But that's why I wrote these. 1. To gauge my abilities. 2. To find and correct my flawed areas. Also what does the fact that I used to decensor porn have to do with my writing?(That would translate more into my spriting ability if anything.) Although my first actual attempts at writing were about four years ago and they actually were ero-fanfiction.
Also I'm a little surprised that nobody caught the shameless plug of my Personal OC in chapter four.
Ah, so this is your much-vaunted maturity with regards to taking criticism. So the fact that I tried to show consideration for the viewers of this thread is something to laugh at, is it?
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Also the fact that you're from an overcrowded Tard-Bin isn't something that you should broadcast.
Right. And because I come primarily from SF, my entire post is invalid.
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I'm inexperienced, I wont lie about it. But that's why I
...should accept critique and learn from your mistakes?
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wrote these. 1. To gauge my abilities. 2. To find and correct my flawed areas. Also what does the fact that I used to decensor porn have to do with my writing?
I expected clumsy erotica. I received it, admittedly in less blatant terms than I'd expected.
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(That would translate more into my spriting ability if anything.) Although my first actual attempts at writing were about four years ago and they actually were ero-fanfiction.
Also the fact that you're an amateur erotic fanfic writer isn't something that you should broadcast.
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Also I'm a little surprised that nobody caught the shameless plug of my Personal OC in chapter four.
I couldn't read that far without cleaning out my eyes with soap. Why are you giving me more reasons to dislike it? If even YOU think it's a 'shameless plug', then take it out.
QUOTE (Falaflame @ Jul 12 2012, 08:35 AM)
While at it, go ahead, and tell your owner of your gay site
Official; he tolerates homosexuality less than he tolerates stealing and drinking blood.
Ah, so this is your much-vaunted maturity with regards to taking criticism. So the fact that I tried to show consideration for the viewers of this thread is something to laugh at, is it?
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Also the fact that you're from an overcrowded Tard-Bin isn't something that you should broadcast.
Right. And because I come primarily from SF, my entire post is invalid.
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I'm inexperienced, I wont lie about it. But that's why I
...should accept critique and learn from your mistakes?
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wrote these. 1. To gauge my abilities. 2. To find and correct my flawed areas. Also what does the fact that I used to decensor porn have to do with my writing?
I expected clumsy erotica. I received it, admittedly in less blatant terms than I'd expected.
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(That would translate more into my spriting ability if anything.) Although my first actual attempts at writing were about four years ago and they actually were ero-fanfiction.
Also the fact that you're an amateur erotic fanfic writer isn't something that you should broadcast.
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Also I'm a little surprised that nobody caught the shameless plug of my Personal OC in chapter four.
I couldn't read that far without cleaning out my eyes with soap. Why are you giving me more reasons to dislike it? If even YOU think it's a 'shameless plug', then take it out.
Try not to write me off before you even get to know me. Hearsay can be misleading. I've got people who don't like me and we speak very poorly of each other. But it doesn't mean we treat everyone that way.
I intend to handle my writing differently than my spriting. Art can be practiced in many different ways and everybody expresses their creativity differently. Literature is more of an exact science. Grammar and punctuations always have to be put a certain way to be correct, unlike art. That's what I plan to work on. Who knows, if I get into it enough maybe I'll take college classes. Spriting is a hobby that I got overly absorbed into.
Also you took a couple of my comments too seriously. My bagging on SF wasn't too serious. The whole internet is a tard-bin after all. And my calling Nayr's cameo a "shameless plug" was me joking around.
Overall, I think we got off on the wrong foot. Let's be civil and fair with each other. We cool?
This is all I have to say regarding the little bit of arguing here: try and not throw around insult words, as that results in flaming. You guys are both smart enough to solve this little... controversy, or whatever it may be, on your own, so I'm just going to let you do that.
Personally I'm not a fan of rape stories so I'm not going to be reading this myself...
This is all I have to say regarding the little bit of arguing here: try and not throw around insult words, as that results in flaming. You guys are both smart enough to solve this little... controversy, or whatever it may be, on your own, so I'm just going to let you do that.
Personally I'm not a fan of rape stories so I'm not going to be reading this myself...
There's not actually any rape in the story, Blazer. Just a close call as a plot device.
>Implying Furetchen is much brighter than Minsc >Fatal flaw
Well, that's the first time I've ever heard literature called an 'exact science'. I just write shit and bullshit essays when I must. Maybe if it was less exact and more on the spur of the moment, it'd turn out more emotional.
QUOTE (Falaflame @ Jul 12 2012, 08:35 AM)
While at it, go ahead, and tell your owner of your gay site
Official; he tolerates homosexuality less than he tolerates stealing and drinking blood.
Well I was referring to how you write. Not what you write.
Also how can you be spur of the moment when writing fiction? You plan out your plot, you describe the setting, the people, how they look, and write what they are doing and feeling, and what they are saying. That pretty much sounds like a book in a nutshell. I need to work on my punctuation and grammar, and look around to boost my vocabulary some.
The conclusion I arrive at is that you are referring to my ideas being lackluster. But as I said, I'm new at this. And I write with an understanding that everything doesn't happen all at once and not every event is highly dramatic.
Also as for Josseline being a "Mary Sue". I don't really think it's possible to have no personality at all. Its just that she's got the kind of personality that suits someone who has raised to act as such. Well mannered, polite, considerate, and reserved. Completely brainwashed with etiquette. And growing up sheltered so that adds to it.
Also do you know AstraLunaSol? I think I saw a character with your name in that Dream of Five hack.
I'm totally spur of the moment and I write fiction. Smyx wasn't supposed to happen. Now look at where he's pushed the story! Also, I don't describe people. I myself don't quite know how they look. It changes depending on the scene. I also don't describe the scene. I just describe what is necessary, and I leave the rest up to the reader. Just saying. Maybe you should try not describing things? I've actually been told by multiple people that they can envision everything perfectly and I'm great at describing things. By letting you know that there is a house with two doors and a garden with a trapdoor. Literally nothing else.
????????? ???????There, katakana. Happy?
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Bobryk -- holy crap I look away for two seconds and I have knots all up in my shit
It doesn't change my perspective, I don't think stories that have to use sexual imagery to make points or attract viewers are very... attractive >_>
I also think that writing isn't a total exact method, it is more of an art and spur of the moment, BUT, everyone has their own style, I myself tend to plan the basic ideas and come up with lots of other details later, often times going back and editing things in the past to reflect changes in the future... I mean, as a writer, it's not always easy to make foreshadows to things in the future when you first write it--I'd imagine many writers write first, then go back and add foreshadowing after the fact--not that the reader ever knows that just by reading the book...
If you guys describe spur of the moment as a sudden idea that you write into the story, what makes you think I haven't gotten ideas like that? Its not like I put in details on when and how I got every idea.
Example, Faye and Trevor's one night stand before the end of Chapter 4. That was pretty much decided in the moment. As was the connection between Florette and Faye and making the dead king of Duma into an abusive prick. Same with Joss' healing abilities.
The world they live in I've been working on for a couple of weeks now if memory serves. I was mainly focusing on Acirema and decided to mix what I had come up with for this into it. Reason for the whole Acirema thing is that when this whole being a writer idea first descended on me I had gotten the idea to make a novel about my OC Nayr and his story.
I'll definitely give this a read through when I get the chance unless this bitch Irene knocks out my power . It's a bit lengthy so it'll probably take me a while. Bobryk = slow reader.