61 replies to this topic

[arimibn]

Well...something's been bugging me for a while now...
Back when I made my last topic in the Maturity Domain....Someone commented on how I drink blood...

While I was over at Serenes forest...Someone else commented on it...Seph did. He said, "You drink blood you creep."

...I tell you all...I don't like hearing things like that...

A few years ago...I thought about suicide...I even told many people about it.

Know what most people said to me? Nothing. Most people just ignored me...Hell...Some people even urged me to do it. All I wanted was for someone to say something along the lines of, "You shouldn't kill yourself. I'd miss you." Not even my Mother, nor my Father said that.

So I did it. I tried multiple times to commit suicide. I just wouldn't die. I don't know why I wouldn't die, but I just wouldn't.

Then I figured that I should tell her goodbye. Norianna. She was my best friend. And so I told her, and she surprised me. She not only told me not to kill myself, she told me that she didn't want me to die. She was crying over me. She told me that her life would be hell without me. She told me that she loved me. This made me reflect. I decided I would live. If only for her. Norianna is currently my girlfriend, and I love her very dearly. But I always have had bad thoughts concerning myself. I've always thought of myself as a horrible person who shouldn't be alive. Recently though, I started to feel a little bit better about myself. I started to be able to believe that I'm a good person. But when people treat me like I'm a horrid person, hell. I believe I am. And it's very hard for me to think otherwise.

It comments like that which make me remember things. Bad things. Like when my own father tried to kill me. When he said he hated me. When he said he wished I was dead. When my step-mother said she could care less what becomes of me. When my sister left me without saying a word. And there are many others.

I think, "Am I really that bad a person?" Some people say I am, some people say I'm not. And no matter how many people say I'm not, I will usually always remember the people who say that I am a bad person. Who say I'm a "creep". The people who say I'm a "psycopath". The people who say I should be dead.

"You said you wanted to hear about it right?

Well, basically I have blood problems. And I don't have the money to treat it normally. I later found out that back in like the say...1600s, people who had this problem drank blood to keep themselves healthy. And that's what I do. I drink blood I get from the hospital. (I discussed about it over at FEShrine.)Cause if I don't, well...it'll be bad for me. And while most people will say, "Just go to a doctor you dumbass and stop robbing hospitals."

2 things.

1. I only drink donated blood that is willingly given to me.

2. Doctors are not as nice as people think.

And to be honest, I never really saw a problem with it until about a month ago when someone commented on the topic. After said person found out I wasn't stealing this, they made this comment. "That blood could go to someone who's dying, but NOOOOO you just keep on drinking it."

That comment made me feel horrible. What if they're ARE people who are dying to keep me alive? And to be honest, I still feel this way...I drink blood to keep my blood regular, and if I don't I start acting strange, but I would much rather die if it's really that much of a problem...I've tried to refrain from drinking blood, and it's had the following results.

Passing out several times. Me losing blood at random intervals. (Such as through coughing up blood.) Having..."episodes". Stuff like that...

I want you to be honest. Do you think I should let myself die? I don't really know..."

That was a PM I sent to someone on Serenes Forest. And I ask you guys this same question. I don't want you guys to be nice to me. I want you to be honest.

Do you think I should let myself die? From what I've noticed, many of the people I've told myself would miss me, don't even notice when I'm gone for weeks. I personally think I'd be doing the world a favor by letting myself die.

[Ristau]

WHAT THE ****?
People that say that the blood should go to someone who needs it are ****ing ignorant. From what I've seen YOU need it. We may not be the best of friends, but I wouldn't EVER wish death upon you. Side note, I did infact notice that you were gone, I just didn't know where.
I don't know if people think they can walk over you or something, but stand up to someone, instead of asking shit like this, tell people that think you should die to **** off, and how if they really want to live without you to do it. Either they will, and they will regret it, or they're too PUSSY to do it.
Please, Arim. I think I know some of what you're talking about, but please, don't do anything stupid!

[Axel]

Suicide is the pussy's way out, anyway.. **** Seph, dont let anything he says reflect your life in any way shape or form.. the blood thing, eh, it's whatever.. and at least you have a girlfriend and friends on FES that love you very much.. there's one positive thing, right? Me being terrible with words, I dont have much else to say, except for: Gang banging isn't the answer either, stay as far away from that shit as you can. >.>

And one last thing..

QUOTE

What if they're ARE people who are dying to keep me alive?

there. xD

[Bobryk]

I'm going to be blunt. Be prepared.

Out of context, people will think drinking blood is creepy. It sort of had me raise my eyebrows a bit, to be honest. But when you said the reason I completely understood.

Those who say that you're stealing from those who are dying clearly aren't thinking. From what I read, I assume something bad would happen to you if you didn't drink it, maybe even death. So how is it robbing dying people if the person taking it may die if they don't? Plus, it's not like you're stealing the blood anyway.

I can't relate to what you're going through with your mom and dad, but no parent should ever do that to their child. It does happen, though, rarely, but it does.

Luckily, you've got someone who does care for you. And you care about her as well. Think about what killing yourself would do to her. It would break her heart if you ended it all, yes?

It's easier said than done, and cliche, but you need to face your problems head-on rather than running away. Suicide is the utmost act of cowardice anyone can perform.

Don't let yourself die.

Besides, if you have the balls to post this publicly on a forum, then you've got the courage to live. Seek help when you need it-- psychiatrists, doctors, they're all there for you.

And hey, I happen to think you're a pretty chill dude, so don't go hurting yourself, eh?

[Lancer]

You'll be fine man. Just keep it together, sure you'll make it through.

[Ristau]

Also, you're like Shadow! The ultimate life form! Just remember that people are stupid, but a person can be smart. And if other people aren't dying to keep you alive, then you are dying to keep them alive. You may be a charitable person, but you are just as important as anyone else, so don't EVER regret you staying alive, even if someone else who may need something that KEEPS YOU alive is dying.

[Whitewolf8]

You're a fantastic person, one hell of a good man, you know? And of course, letting yourself die isn't good at all, everyone needs blood to keep stable and well, I don't see why you should be much a difference, people don't like the fact that you drink blood? Tough shit, there are weirder things in the world (And to some things this is nothing).

[Rujio]

People are very quick to forget that what one culture thinks is right is not necessarily right. Just because they find something "gross" or "creepy" doesn't mean it's actually wrong. It's funny, I bet a lot of people who might shun you for drinking blood would be quick to attack other people for being prejudiced in more common ways like racism or sexism simply based off of what they've been told, but they're falling into the same hole here.

Then, of course, they go to the "logical" reason that it's bad: you're depriving people of blood who need it. Well psychological issues are just as real as physical ones. You need it as much as someone in a car crash. Maybe you could find a way to stop needing it, but from what I've read just quitting right now wouldn't end well for you.

On top of that, you have been literally incredibly open about your problems here. Whether you're desperate, brave, stupid, an attention hog, or some mixture of those, I don't know, but being open about anything personal- let alone your very unusual issues -to more than just a handful of close friends is hard, and it's sure more than I have done online. It's easy enough to be "one of the pack" and just sort of ride along popular opinion, and you go right against that. That's something I can admire.

As for you not being missed... You do realize you have the 16th highest post count on this forum when you have been here for approximately 7% as long as most of the people above you, right? You've also brought discussion like this here when there really has been a general lack of "mature" content for a long time. You've had one hell of an impact, all things considered, and I don't think anyone here thinks they're worse off for it.


The main thing I would say it comes down to, though, is this: Are you happy with who you are? Other people's opinions are not that important. Certainly not to be ignored entirely, but if they aren't doing anything to you, well, why bother with them? And if you aren't happy with who you are, then change that. Don't ask others to like you, ask yourself to be worthy of liking. Once you like yourself, who needs other people?

[boney]

You can't let yourself die with a friend like that!

[Lancer]

QUOTE (Rujio @ Jun 21 2012, 12:21 AM)

People are very quick to forget that what one culture thinks is right is not necessarily right. Just because they find something "gross" or "creepy" doesn't mean it's actually wrong. It's funny, I bet a lot of people who might shun you for drinking blood would be quick to attack other people for being prejudiced in more common ways like racism or sexism simply based off of what they've been told, but they're falling into the same hole here. Then, of course, they go to the "logical" reason that it's bad: you're depriving people of blood who need it. Well psychological issues are just as real as physical ones. You need it as much as someone in a car crash. Maybe you could find a way to stop needing it, but from what I've read just quitting right now wouldn't end well for you. On top of that, you have been literally incredibly open about your problems here. Whether you're desperate, brave, stupid, an attention hog, or some mixture of those, I don't know, but being open about anything personal- let alone your very unusual issues -to more than just a handful of close friends is hard, and it's sure more than I have done online. It's easy enough to be "one of the pack" and just sort of ride along popular opinion, and you go right against that. That's something I can admire. As for you not being missed... You do realize you have the 16th highest post count on this forum when you have been here for approximately 7% as long as most of the people above you, right? You've also brought discussion like this here when there really has been a general lack of "mature" content for a long time. You've had one hell of an impact, all things considered, and I don't think anyone here thinks they're worse off for it. The main thing I would say it comes down to, though, is this: Are you happy with who you are? Other people's opinions are not that important. Certainly not to be ignored entirely, but if they aren't doing anything to you, well, why bother with them? And if you aren't happy with who you are, then change that. Don't ask others to like you, ask yourself to be worthy of liking. Once you like yourself, who needs other people?

That's gotta be one of the best posts I have read in a while. +1

AGREED

[Oblivion Knight]

And here I thought my opinion of Serenes couldn't go any lower...

I'm going to space out my thoughts as they are presented, one at a time, broken down.

Blood topic of discussion: Yeah it's definitely odd, and something that you don't hear of everyday, and possibly would even draw unwanted vampire jokes. As Bobyrk mentioned earlier, once context has been given, it's definitely understandable. Wisdom of a current situation or environment is vital in special cases like this, otherwise falling into the realm of "creepy" would most likely occur. What you are doing is not bad, sustaining your life is just as important as for those who need blood, as they put it. There's no difference from those who need it and you. You're not wasting the blood, you're using it to survive. You are doing no wrong or committing an act of injustice. So for those who judge you without a proper grasp of your situation, simply ignore them, and if it eases you, laugh at their ignorance. Or possibly have pity on them for being so judgmental.

I had somewhat of an idea that you had some sort of health concern, as you mentioned being dizzy from the IS Skype chat. Dizziness was usually brought on by lack of blood, or at least from my knowledge. You also had problems keeping up with the meetings, which again pointed to some difficulty of focus and with dizziness playing a factor, I had my ideas. Especially after your long stay in the hospital. However they're all answered now though, as I mentioned previously, you are doing no wrong.

Past: Your information regarding your past holds weight. As you have already mentioned, when at the darkest door of utter despair, you were shown true love by a dear friend, at a time where no one else had offered any form of assistance to you. I have no knowledge of how long you've had her as your girlfriend, but her actions there show how much you mean to her.

I've had a bad past as well, and I wished to die in my past, simply under the idea of "at I wouldn't be in this situation anymore." I wished death upon myself, and I was not a happy person. Eventually I endured and got through such a dark period of my life. I now use that experience as a form of strength. "If I endured that hell, I have no reason to falter under less challenging scenarios." I'm aware that my life situation isn't much better now, but I'm far stronger a person to endure now. I also don't have a strong relationship with my parents either, but they didn't want me dead... or at least to my knowledge.
But this wasn't about me.

QUOTE (arimibn @ Jun 20 2012, 11:38 PM)

Do you think I should let myself die?

When you mean letting yourself die, do you mean suicide? Or to rather have to suffer as the lack of blood takes its toll after a slow and painful death? Now before anyone jumps at me instantly for suggesting suicide, I am not. So Arim, look at the wonderful girlfriend that you have. You know full well that she doesn't want you dead.

QUOTE

From what I've noticed, many of the people I've told myself would miss me, don't even notice when I'm gone for weeks.

Bullshit, pure and utter bullshit. You know DAMN WELL that people were worried about you after you for back from your internet being out for a week. When you were gone, I can vouch that everyone was wondering what happened to you and was worried. It was a nice relief to see you back after that.

QUOTE

I personally think I'd be doing the world a favor by letting myself die.

I don't see how your death will help the world any. No major clinical breakthroughs will INSTANTLY occur because of your death, or some sudden world peace treaty that gets ACTUALLY followed. If anything the world would only mourn after you had died. Not the entire world mind you, but everyone that you have come in contact with: your girlfriend, and everyone here will feel sad after you have passed on. Perhaps even your parents at the very least will feel guilty for having failed as parents. Also you're never going to encounter your sister if you die, now are you?

Listen to everyone here, who has responded. You, yourself, can see that people do care and appreciate you around. I may not be close to you on a personal level, but you're a really nice person from what I have seen of you.

So in summary, ask yourself, will anything be changed if you died? In my opinion, I can only think of negative change, resulting in sadness. However this wasn't my decision to force onto you. It's your decision of you want to keep living. However by now hopefully you have seen that people do in fact care and are happy to see that you're around. Besides, life's only meant to be lived once and as a teenager, you still have plenty of years ahead of you, so don't make any hasty decisions. I'm sure you'll make the right choice.

If you ever needed someone to talk with, you have me on skype. Just strike up a conversation with me there.

[boney]

QUOTE (Oblivion Knight @ Jun 21 2012, 03:53 AM)

QUOTE I personally think I'd be doing the world a favor by letting myself die. I don't see how your death will help the world any. No major clinical breakthroughs will INSTANTLY occur because of your death, or some sudden world peace treaty that gets ACTUALLY followed.

It's not like that, Ryan. His reasoning is that he feels he wouldn't be a burden on other people anymore if he didn't exist. Just so you know. That's why almost anyone who's thinking of suicide would say that.

[Oblivion Knight]

QUOTE (Rexstatic @ Jun 21 2012, 05:02 AM)

QUOTE (Oblivion Knight @ Jun 21 2012, 03:53 AM) QUOTE I personally think I'd be doing the world a favor by letting myself die. I don't see how your death will help the world any. No major clinical breakthroughs will INSTANTLY occur because of your death, or some sudden world peace treaty that gets ACTUALLY followed. It's not like that, Ryan. His reasoning is that he feels he wouldn't be a burden on other people anymore if he didn't exist. Just so you know. That's why almost anyone who's thinking of suicide would say that.

I thought as much, but as Rujio already pointed out, he's not being a burden in the forum sense. His activity is greatly appreciated, and mainly everyone (as I can't speak for everyone) values him around. In fact, him dying would be a burden within itself especially towards his girlfriend, his friends both offline and online, and from the literal forum activity sense.

[arimibn]

Well isn't this something nice to wake up to.


@Ryoku Very well. I will continue on.

@Pie You think I WANT to die? I love my life so much it's ridiculous. Despite all the hardships, I've always loved it. But the thing is that I feel as though by me living a good life, I'm causing others to have a bad life. Recently, I tried to talk about something with my sister that was bothering me. The result? We had to call the ambulance because she had an asthma attack.

@Bobryk I've thought about Norianna several times...But I also have thought that she would be better without me...But I'm very conflicted on this though...

@Lancer I will try.

@Wolfie I am aware of this...but...I still have my doubts...but thanks.

@Rijuo In all honesty, I care very little about myself...It's just the way I am. I am the complete opposite of selfish...A quality I wish I didn't have. I tried to be alone. But after having friends, it's not something I'd ever want to go back to...And the fact that Seph, a person who pretty much talked to me for the first time today, just flat out said, "Go away you creep. You drink blood." really affects me. I mean, how did he even know? I don't really talk to him. And he just pretty much put out a reason for people to try to get rid of me. JUST because I drink blood to survive. I personally see most people as good. And if someone doesn't like me, I assume it's MY fault. No matter the situation, I always end up feeling guilty. I know I shouldn't, but I still do.
As for me being open about my problems...Well...it's the only way I can really get over them....because my family members are so oblivious...

@Rex I guess I can't...

@Ryan When people are just making jokes about me...I have no problem with that...But when people are downright exiling me...that's when there's a problem. When people say I'm a vampire, I laugh. When people say, "Get away from me you freak!" I don't laugh.

To be honest, I've been asking for help for a long time, hoping someone would notice and try to strike up a conversation with me. If you notice in the community hack, look at my character's death quote. "This time...I really wasn't trying to die...." I was hoping that someone would inquire about that...

I don't want to die. But I consider it selfish for me to live knowing that people may be dying because of it. I've lived through more hell than a lot of people have. Honestly. How many people can say they've seen the aftermath of a BOMB detonation? Honestly? I've lived through stuff like that, and am still able to laugh and smile. But I continue to think...Is it fair for me to keep living, knowing that it's causing people problems? That's why I wanted to commit suicide. But I think I finally get why I wouldn't die anyway. I'm not meant to die. Perhaps there is still something I need to do.

I meant deprave myself of blood until it takes its final toll.

Yes. I do know that people did miss me. Just that people who I expected to miss me, didn't notice at all. Like, per say, my sisters.

I wouldn't be hogging blood anymore. And my family who is burdened by me would be freed from the burden. While yeah. People would be sad, but would there be any downside past that?
But...After hearing from everyone, I have to say I feel a bit relieved.

[Whitewolf8]

Just don't let yourself think about it, there would be a lot of unhappy people, you hear?

[Axel]

Whoa whoa man, when did I imply that you wanted to die? I'm just saying man.. suicide is a bad idea.

[Echo-279]

Arim, when you lost the internet, I seriously thought something bad happened to you. You're on every day, losing the internet can scare people, especially me when it comes to my friends here.

[SmashedFish]

Arim.

Remember my comment on your dA journal?

And you have the BALLS to say that people don't care about you?

Dude, I honestly consider you one of my best friends, PERIOD. I'm not talking of any distinction between IRL and online friends here, because that distinction does not exist. YOU. Are. One. Of. MY. Best. Friends. PERIOD.

Killing yourself, or even letting yourself die? Why bother, when you can keep on living and try to find a cure, or at least a solution- perhaps some form of artificial blood- that would have the positive effects of blood on you, without needing to take it from hospitals? That gets you down so much, and it might also bother others with the condition. Why not take away your guilt, along with others'?

Also, there's another thing. You are a person who needs blood for a medical reason. For you to take it is as selfish for people who suffered massive blood loss to take it; as in, not at all. You'e the same as anyone else who needs blood; you will all die without it and nobody should have to die to save a small amount of blood for other people when there's plenty to go around. Have they ever run out?

Even if they have, it's to keep you alive, and that's what hospitals are for. It's not like people are going to stop donating blood any time soon. In fact, you've motivated me into starting giving blood, so I'll personally be doing my part to ensure that there's enough for everyone who needs it. Not just for people who get hit by trucks. EVERYONE.

Alright, so besides the logical junk proving that you have no reason to die to stop others from going without, there's the fact that you're a great friend. You've honestly made me a bit less shy around people in the short time we've known eachother, and made me feel better about what I thought was stupid and embarrassing about myself. You continue to be an inspiration in terms of spriting and animating- hell, I wouldn't keep trying if not for our friendly "rivalry" and your awesome successes in the past. You're always a great encouragement when I try something new that not even I think will work. And all this with me doing my usual thing and often forgetting to ask if everything was ok- you truly are selfless. You're one of the nicest people I've met, and if you died, I would- I don't even know. Please don't, though.

Edit: One last thing about the comments you get for drinking blood- just say "I drink blood, but for a medical reason". Boom. People assume the worst when they don't know any details of the situation. The way you explained it to me before I read your thread was perfect, though. If you don't remember, you told me the origins of vampire myths(that they came from early anemia) and that you also had it. It was interesting to learn the origins of the myths, and learning that about you seemed like "oh, ok, he drinks blood, that's fine then" rather than "OH MY GOD HE DRINKS BLOOD ****ING CREEP" like others must've assumed. Remember how Grey stopped giving you crap when you said that? I'll quote him from memory- "You should've said that in the first place". Just do, and you should have a much easier time with people.

[arimibn]

Will do. It's just that I wish my family members were as caring as everyone else. But hey...Can't have everything...Thanks though. It's good to know I'm not the only one who doesn't see a difference between an internet friend and a local one.

[Echo-279]

I fail to see the difference between internet/irl friends, a friend is a friend, all there is to it.