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#1 Fire Blazer

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Posted 27 June 2013 - 12:03 AM

Hi guys,

After a few setbacks I've finally started to actually write my novel. I wanted to share it with you guys. Let me know what you think though if you're going to critique it, please warn me at the top that you aren't just trying to bash it, because writing can be really sensitive and I'd hate for all my motivation to be drained (that's not to say don't critique, just don't be a total killjoy and say "you're too shit to be a writer" since I think I'd go cut myself and I hate cutting myself >_>;).

Aaaaaanyhow, without further adieu, my in-progress fiction. I do have a title in mind for it but I may change it and I'm hoping that as I write the story, I'll gain inspiration as to what a good, fitting, short and sweet title would be.

-----------------------------------------------

Story - Up to part 5 inclusive

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#2 Snow

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Posted 27 June 2013 - 01:12 AM

Well I'll say some stuff I caught with words first, most of these are just my writing tics:

Word stuff (Click Here To Hide/Show Text)
QUOTE
though with no real success.
This is just me but I think this line would be better if it said "with no real success". It's incorrect or anything (at least I think it isn't) but to me it souns better.

QUOTE
It’s not my problem. It’s not essential,”
I think you got the comma and the period mixed up there XD

QUOTE
“Think a little bit more about others, man.
Again probably me but this sounds odd to me, maybe "Try thinking about others a little more, man"?

QUOTE
the creepy, white-haired Allen, his fuzzy hair cut short
Ok so this one isn't really a bad thing but it could be better, you say white haired Allen, and then move on to his talking about his hair. I think it would flow better if you put "the creepy Allen,his fuzzy white hair.....".

QUOTE
the class had over couple hundred students as most people in their second year took the class.
Replace the second class with it. Makes the story flow more IMO.

QUOTE
It was just a choice on whim.
I don't know if it's a mistake or not but I think the correct phrasing is "it was just a whim/choice", not both.


As for the story I can't say much about it yet, since there is only about 2 pages, but it seems solid so far. Sorry if the things above seem a bit like a grammar nazi, but those little details can really make or break a story. Hope you keep going with this, it looks like an interesting read so far.
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#3 Fire Blazer

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Posted 27 June 2013 - 03:17 AM

Thanks for the feedback, I know there's hardly anything out there but motivation is such a killer so just seeing people respond to what they've read is honestly helpful. I have a creative mind but when it comes to making those ideas flow I know it's such a daunting task that I can hardly even get started >_<; Biggest thing stopping me is myself, eh~

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#4 Bobryk

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Posted 27 June 2013 - 03:56 AM

Saw a couple of these in Snow's post and decided to give my thoughts on them too. My own suggestions and thoughts are below!

Snow's Post (Click Here To Hide/Show Text)


QUOTE (Snow @ Jun 26 2013, 08:12 PM)
Well I'll say some stuff I caught with words first, most of these are just my writing tics:

[SPOILER=Word stuff]
QUOTE
though with no real success.
This is just me but I think this line would be better if it said "with no real success". It's incorrect or anything (at least I think it isn't) but to me it sounds better.

"Though" is necessary here because removing it would mean the entire sentence would have to be re-worded: comma and then with is not grammatically correct. Remove the comma and you get "He scratched his short brown hair and thought of some way to approach the issue
better with no real success," which sounds okay, but can be misinterpreted or misread pretty easily.


QUOTE
It’s not my problem. It’s not essential,”
I think you got the comma and the period mixed up there XD

You can use either a comma or a period here.

QUOTE
“Think a little bit more about others, man.
Again probably me but this sounds odd to me, maybe "Try thinking about others a little more, man"?

Either way works. "Try thinking" is more grammatical whereas just "think" is more slang-y and conversational.

QUOTE
the creepy, white-haired Allen, his fuzzy hair cut short
Ok so this one isn't really a bad thing but it could be better, you say white haired Allen, and then move on to his talking about his hair. I think it would flow better if you put "the creepy Allen,his fuzzy white hair.....".

I actually prefer it the way Blazer's got it!

QUOTE
It was just a choice on whim.
I don't know if it's a mistake or not but I think the correct phrasing is "it was just a whim/choice", not both.

I'd remove this sentence entirely as it's kinda repetitive. But that's just me.





Bobryk Style (Click Here To Hide/Show Text)


I like it so far. You started with a conflict, which is sweet, and people are going to want to continue reading it because they want to know just what Allen and Roy are talking about. I think, writing-wise, you just need to watch your unnecessary words (which takes a lot of practice).

I went through the whole thing and put in some comments/suggestions in red. I didn't actually remove anything (that's your job tongue.gif) so feel free to ignore or do different!


Part One

The young adult [Perhaps “the young man?” “young adult” could infer either male or female] gave a deep sigh [perhaps “sighed deeply?”], disappointed in how the conversation was progressing. He scratched his short brown hair and thought of some way to approach the issue better, though with no real success.
“Hey, can’t you at least try to make things a little less difficult?” he said, desperate to
break through to the other person on the telephone.
“Why should I care? It’s not my problem. It’s not essential,” the male voice on the other
end of the phone replied.
“Think a little bit more about others, man. It’s not exactly easy dedicating myself to you
and crap. Catch my drift, Allen?”
“I’ll ‘catch’ [‘Catch’ does not need apostrophes/quotes in this instance] you in class, Roy. Goodbye.” [Perhaps just a plain “bye?” Sounds more realistic. Or “Good-bye” if you want to put more emphasis]
Roy stared blankly at his phone as it flashed the text [“the text” is unnecessary and can be deleted] “Call ended”. After another routine
sigh and a glance at the clock he laid back on his bed trying to remember how he ever became friends with Allen in the first place.

Part Two
It was odd being a few years older than most people in the classes at Veridian
University, but Roy at least thanked the stars [“thanked the stars” is a bit cliché, don’tcha think?] he had someone just as odd to hang out with
—the creepy, white-haired Allen, his fuzzy hair cut short and simple to match his always-clean always-professional look. It was sort of a wonder how the two were friends—one, a former boxer who volunteered in the military for four years on a special contract, and the other, a seemingly genius student who never forgot a name or ancient date in history.
Indeed, they were an odd pair at first glance, but Roy had actually always wanted to be an engineer, not a boxer. However, the war between the Northern Alliance and the Southern Federation made it difficult for people of his generation to even make it past the age of 25, so by the suggestion of his parents, he volunteered in the military and came back alive—an impressive feat that many attempted and few succeeded at.
Smart as he was, Allen was no weakling either though. His body wasn’t nearly as built or sturdy-looking as Roy’s, but he could hold his own in an arm wrestle against Roy, a fact that no one believed until Allen was convinced to partake in a series of arm wrestling challenges that finally validated Roy’s seemingly preposterous claims.
He had no visible fears or weaknesses either—most everyone gets a little ticked off or frightened sometimes, but Allen only had ever
had one expression on his face, as if though he were oblivious to the existence of other ones. [Holy crap there are a lot of dashes. I’m a big fan of them myself, but definitely try to reword some of these sentences so you don’t need to use so many. And by dashes I mean the long dashes between phrases (–) not the short guys.]

As the two walked through the hallway to their Physics class, they heard the sound of
the TV in the nearby lounge, as loud and disruptive as ever. Today it was turned on to the news, like any other day [if it’s “like any other day” you don’t need the word “Today” at the beginning of the sentence. You can start with “it” and achieve the same thing] , once again covering the story that people had heard and grown tired of already where twenty-six students were shot, only six of whom survived [alternatively you could say “and only six survived.” I only say this because I generally dislike the word “whom” tongue.gif.] There was no new news to report, unless one considered the lack of news in itself noteworthy [Perhaps “newsworthy” for extra pun? No? Okay, fine…]. The lounge and hallways in general [“in general” is unnecessary here—delete without fear!] were empty, suggesting Allen and Roy were either a few paces behind or
ahead; in this case, it was the latter, as the Physics room looked so empty one might have thought everyone had gotten lost on their way to class [Maybe instead of being late you could say “skipping class because the first day is always syllabus day?” Might be funnier].
A few students and their buddies murmured in the chairs of the large lecture hall—
the class had over couple hundred students as most people in their second year took the class. [Snow pointed out this error, I think]. Allen and Roy decided to sit up [“up” is unnecessary here] only a few rows up [also here] from the front, despite having the choice to sit almost anywhere they wanted. It was just a choice on whim [kill this sentence—unnecessary filler].
In the meantime, the Physics professor spared no time before beginning his lengthy
introduction to the class. As soon as the seconds hand on the clock ticked to mark the, well, technical commencement of the class, his voice echoed through the mic so that everyone who didn’t want to hear him not only could hear him, but would hear him.
“Welcome to Physics 122 on this beautiful afternoon at Veridian University, located
between... and... in the city of Alpha, in the Northern Alliance... continent of Earth...” he went on, giving such an elaborate description of the class that it sounded more like he was telling the setting for a story.
As the people already situated in the room tuned out his familiar voice,
other voices began to crowd the room through the doors at the back of the lecture hall,
followed by the footsteps marching down the slanted ramp down through the rows of chairs. It
seemed the Professor was used
to this as he paid it no mind and continued his introduction—
perhaps it was his way of making a few “free” bucks at the beginning, or warming up his voice for the rest of the hour lecture. People usually stopped coming up with theories after the first couple of weeks passed by.




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#5 Fire Blazer

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Posted 27 June 2013 - 06:31 AM

Thanks for the insight; I'm reading it all though I'm afraid I don't have the patience to respond to everything (and it's not entirely necessary).

QUOTE
[Perhaps “the young man?” “young adult” could infer either male or female]


Yeah, I meant to sort of imply that they were older than 18/more like in their 20's, but "young man" would probably do that as well, so in retrospect I'm not sure why I chose what I did... oh well XD

QUOTE
[‘Catch’ does not need apostrophes/quotes in this instance]


I was trying to emphasize the fact that he was responding to him "catching his drift" versus the catching as in, "catch you in class"... i.e. like they used the same word but in different ways. Allen being a little smart, in other words. Should I still remove it?

QUOTE
[Perhaps just a plain “bye?” Sounds more realistic. Or “Good-bye” if you want to put more emphasis]


This is part of Allen's awkward way of speaking. He is, at times, awkwardly formal, and even his "casual" speech shows signs of being awkward in his general... tone and such. It'll become more apparent later and it has to do with his actual background (right now this just seems like a school story but I'm only like 1% in yet haha, once you find out what Allen is, the weird way of talking should make sense).

QUOTE
[“thanked the stars” is a bit cliché, don’tcha think?]


You're right, thanks. Trying to avoid clichés is a constant task XD

@dashes yup, thanks. I'll keep a mental note on that; it's a way of writing. I sometimes throw around unnecessary semi-colons and stuff too. Like in a couple sentences ago. XD

QUOTE
[if it’s “like any other day” you don’t need the word “Today” at the beginning of the sentence. You can start with “it” and achieve the same thing]


an interesting point I don't think I would have recognized myself at any point in the near future, probably, thanks^^

QUOTE
[Perhaps “newsworthy” for extra pun? No? Okay, fine…]


Haha, I dig it!

QUOTE
[Maybe instead of being late you could say “skipping class because the first day is always syllabus day?” Might be funnier].


I'm not entirely sure I understand your point here. In case it's relevant, this isn't the first day of class; the story actually takes place in the middle of the semester.

*Blazer looks at unnecessary uses of "up"

*Blazer is ashamed of himself but chuckles anyway

Thanks dude, you know your own novels are an inspiration to me so having you run through it is really nice and I appreciate it. happy.gif

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#6 Bobryk

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Posted 27 June 2013 - 06:57 AM

QUOTE
[‘Catch’ does not need apostrophes/quotes in this instance]

I was trying to emphasize the fact that he was responding to him "catching his drift" versus the catching as in, "catch you in class"... i.e. like they used the same word but in different ways. Allen being a little smart, in other words. Should I still remove it?


If you're only trying to emphasize it I would put it in italics. So the sentence would read "I'll catch you in class." Quotes are typically used only in special circumstances.

QUOTE
[Perhaps just a plain “bye?” Sounds more realistic. Or “Good-bye” if you want to put more emphasis]

This is part of Allen's awkward way of speaking. He is, at times, awkwardly formal, and even his "casual" speech shows signs of being awkward in his general... tone and such. It'll become more apparent later and it has to do with his actual background (right now this just seems like a school story but I'm only like 1% in yet haha, once you find out what Allen is, the weird way of talking should make sense).


Oooh, okay. If it's part of his character then don't change a thing. I don't know enough about him to judge that much yet tongue.gif

QUOTE
[“thanked the stars” is a bit cliché, don’tcha think?]

You're right, thanks. Trying to avoid clichés is a constant task XD


AVOID CLICHES LIKE THE PLAGUE!

QUOTE


@dashes yup, thanks. I'll keep a mental note on that; it's a way of writing. I sometimes throw around unnecessary semi-colons and stuff too. Like in a couple sentences ago. XD


I'm a dash man myself, so I feel your pain there!
QUOTE
[if it’s “like any other day” you don’t need the word “Today” at the beginning of the sentence. You can start with “it” and achieve the same thing]

an interesting point I don't think I would have recognized myself at any point in the near future, probably, thanks^^


That's what I'm here for!


QUOTE
[Maybe instead of being late you could say “skipping class because the first day is always syllabus day?” Might be funnier].

I'm not entirely sure I understand your point here. In case it's relevant, this isn't the first day of class; the story actually takes place in the middle of the semester.


Ooh, whoops. I thought that since the professor was going through the class introduction that it was the first day of class. I must've misunderstood, then. My b, yo. Leave it as is

QUOTE

Thanks dude, you know your own novels are an inspiration to me so having you run through it is really nice and I appreciate it. happy.gif


You got it, dude. For some reason I enjoy doing this stuff
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#7 SmashedFish

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Posted 27 June 2013 - 05:33 PM

Hm... Well, it's interesting, but I'm going to reserve judgement until there's more to judge, if that's alright. From what I've seen, however, it looks good so far and I'm interested in seeing more!

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#8 kirant

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Posted 27 June 2013 - 09:42 PM

General thoughts:
- I'm no good at these either, but the first paragraph really drops you in really hard. Maybe it's the wording, due to having "young adult" as a descriptor is pretty vague. Anywhere from 19-30 really. I struggle on the first line because of this...as Bobyrk mentioned before, young adult is also gender neutral as well.
- There's a bit of the "show, don't tell" approach I think should be noted. Instead of having "though with no success" (telling), it may be better and more efficient to just drop that and let the viewer read that there was no success with the change of tactic. It creates a bit of an encouragement to continue reading...such having them wonder if this man with brown hair actually succeeded.
- Your dialogue certainly provides a quick and easy breakdown of your characters into stereotypes, if that's what you're looking for. Roy appears to be fairly laid back (and this may be because I've watched The Big Lebowski too many times) while Allen's character seems to be one of calm, precise dialogue, which can be cutting and brutally honest, but efficient.
- Bobyrk pointed out some of the general notes on writing style. The use of words, quotations, and stuff like that.

- The first sentence in part 2 provides an excellent opportunity to express part of Roy's personality. This sentence is about him and is written from his mentality. So expressing exactly how he felt weird as an older student on campus can help.
- Repeated use of "always" may be a character thing. I don't have the information to decide yet, but we're still talking from Roy's PoV. If that's something he'd say, that works perfectly.
- Maybe a bit more background detail into this war could be provided. I mean, I literally don't know anything about this war or what has happened...just that there are two places I've never heard of fighting a war with high causality rate...all stated in protagonist claims. I'm guessing you likely were forced to read A Separate Peace in Jr High...if not, it's easy to read a Coles Notes version. Anyways, the writer is very untrustworthy by the end. This sort of sentence can only be taken as far as you can trust the protagonist. Actually, if you're looking to make something with very high rereading value, this is an excellent avenue to take. Either way though, a very common tactic is to have a "morning" scene, where the character wakes up, flicks on the news or opens up a newspaper and recounts, in brief, the details of the war. These open the world you have and provide us with more detail that we don't inherently know. This also gives the writer a chance to express more about their character by showing their routines and what interests them. This would especially be true for Roy, since, as an ex-soldier, he can provide detail no other can. One could even put in a vivid dream sequence at some point with him recounting some of the trauma he must have undergone, being a survivor in a war full of casualties.
- When describing Allen, a semi-colon may be useful.
- The news story sentence could use a little reworking. Maybe add some detail to make it its own paragraph.

Of course, this is all writer preference sort of stuff.

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#9 Fire Blazer

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Posted 27 June 2013 - 10:50 PM

I appreciate how deep you were able to go into things in such a small amount of content. It's especially helpful in that I have a lot less material to work with/correct so I don't feel as overwhelmed by everything and can learn quickly from my mistakes and hopefully make less of them later.

I hope to have an updated version along with at LEAST the end of part 2 later today. Thanks again everyone^^

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#10 Rujio

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Posted 27 June 2013 - 10:57 PM

I don't have time to read through this right now (Japan's too cool tongue.gif) but if you want someone else to go through it in about a week (maybe less) I would be happy to read through it and offer my critique.
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#11 Fire Blazer

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Posted 28 June 2013 - 12:23 AM

I'll definitely have more by then so sure, feel free to. Thanks for popping in and offering^^

EDIT: I also wanted to say upon reading kirant's comments a little more, I think I need to write a little more for you to get a better feel of the characters and other stuff. There just hasn't been time to mention the war and I don't want to quite focus on it yet; I only wanted to establish that there was some kind of obscure war going between two territories that I don't expect the reader to know by this point. All I expect them to know is that Allen and Roy are friends going to Physics class who have a somewhat awkward but still good relationship. XD

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#12 Fire Blazer

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Posted 28 June 2013 - 03:36 AM

New update! The link is the same as always, finished up part 4, non-inclusive. It hasn't been proofread very much so if you have critique try to keep it a little broad/vague as opposed to "that wording is bad" or "that comma is misplaced" kinda stuff. Things like pacing, details, macro/micro focus, bad characterization, etc. is all good, I just don't want you guys killing yourselves on the details before I look at them too much myself. (Right now the most important thing to me is MOMENTUM, I did make fixes to this first couple parts and will continue to do so as I can without stopping my momentum XD)

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#13 kirant

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Posted 28 June 2013 - 07:45 AM

QUOTE (Blazer @ Jun 27 2013, 05:23 PM)
EDIT: I also wanted to say upon reading kirant's comments a little more, I think I need to write a little more for you to get a better feel of the characters and other stuff. There just hasn't been time to mention the war and I don't want to quite focus on it yet; I only wanted to establish that there was some kind of obscure war going between two territories that I don't expect the reader to know by this point. All I expect them to know is that Allen and Roy are friends going to Physics class who have a somewhat awkward but still good relationship. XD

Of, I get that. The thing is that the text ultimately amounts to 1 page. Within that one page, you have a crapload (I should SO declare this a standard unit of measurement) of events happening. We get dropped into a war, a shooting, classes starting, and two fairly vague descriptions of characters.

Maybe it's different reader styles, but it makes sense to me to immerse things one step at a time. I like the starting point: a conversation first. That gives you something to chew on. But right after, it's a quick jump between history to personal backgrounds to current events. Going through one, fleshing it out, and then dipping us into another aspect probably would work in your favour. There's an old saying about frogs, right? It's better to immerse it and raise it degree by degree as oppose to throwing the frog in boiling water. Same, to me, applies here...immerse us element by element. There's a lot of foreign stuff here for us to figure out.

For example, I could imagine an introduction to Roy would work, since we're already by his side. After the conversation ends, there's a perfect opportunity to have Roy kind of self-inflect about what was ultimately a poor conversation with his buddy. Would he be hurt? Would he be bitter? Was it worth putting his life on the line just so his friend could be a bit of a dick to him? Would he be antsy about returning to lectures again? What does he dream about? How does he greet Allen when he sees him again? What does he think when he hears the story again in the news (as in "Oh brother..." or "Goddamnfreakingnewcastcan'tgetanythingrightIshouldgodownandshowthemhowtoreallyshownews--"? What is his opinion of those coming in late? Conversely, try to show some of the reactions Allen has. Is Allen, the straight-laced student, all too happy with late arrivals? Does he have a visible opinion about the war? Maybe, if he hates it, he has a slight adjustment to his disposition...a huff of breath as he hears the story pop up again or eyes shooting figurative darts at the late entries or breaking his pencil lead. Minor things like this are a good way to create depth to characters as they are inferences based on action. A quick recall of the Haruhi Suzumiya light novels used this heavily on the characters Yuki Nagato and protagonist Kyon to show development on both sides. Yuki would make extremely minor reactions (millimetres in length), something read by Kyon. From that alone, we get that Yuki, typically emotionless, is growing emotions and that protagonist Kyon is growing close enough to her that he can read them.

I used to be this way too. I worked on an RPG Maker project when I was 17 and I stuffed together as many events as possible without bothering to explain things. When I play it now, it feels like a clusterbomb of anarchy and chaos. This is why I kind of hang onto these concepts so strongly.

Again though, it could just be different preferences.

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#14 Fire Blazer

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Posted 28 June 2013 - 10:32 PM

I see what you mean, and I actually used to do things a lot more like how you said, but I sort of like a sense of somewhat chaotic, high-paced stuff. First of all, as I said, I don't expect the reader to catch on to all the details; I think that most people won't analyze things too deeply and will sort of expect that anything that is important will be emphasized that way. As I said before

QUOTE
All I expect them to know is that Allen and Roy are friends going to Physics class who have a somewhat awkward but still good relationship. XD


And I think I got that across. The rest is sort of saying "it exists, the world is much bigger than that of the classroom". I don't like stories where things, events, etc. just sort of pop in and aren't hinted at, foreshadowed, etc.; if there's other stuff going on, there should be signs of it. I always felt that stories I read where stuff is just kind of added to the story as it happens is eh because it doesn't flow as well etc.

On the contrary one of my sources of inspiration, One Piece, does stuff like introducing an island in the Grand Line that they don't end up visiting for 500 some episodes or chapters, introducing one of the major powers of characters (it's a sort of universal power that anyone can obtain) far before it's actually regularly used, etc., and I always thought it was amazing how he did that and that they were just small words or things that I didn't think to pay much attention to nor did he expect me to pay attention to them but they were actually quite relevant and stuff.

With that said it's important not to confuse the reader too much which is why I'm going to focus mostly on Allen and Roy for the time being until people get a greater feel for the setting (what city are they in? what kind of government is this? and what kind of time period are we in--it's clearly somewhat technologically advanced, with speakers in the roads, guns, and cellphones, but are there cars, planes, what kind of warfare is there, etc. is all stuff I feel is important to the setting that I want to slowly establish before I get into deeper conflict where it'd be too confusing to throw details of the setting in when the focus is plot movement and character development).

EDIT:

Also, there's a few more plot twists coming up, so keep in mind that

- Allen and Roy appear to be the protagonists and sure it's pretty standard/proper to have the protagonists introduced early on and be the focus but I don't intend to write a story that adheres to normal customs, methods, etc. all the time because that would hardly be interesting to me, so I might very well shift the focus etc.
- it's unclear which of the two friends are of greater importance, if either of them even are--again, normally one should sort of be in the lead, but everything's in 3rd-person here and I don't show too much favoritism in terms of how they're thinking and the such yet, so yeah
- kirant, in your post you sort of hint towards logical conclusions/aftermath situations and stuff but things won't go that simply (lol I'd say "they might not" but it's pretty obvious if I'm mentioning it here that it's not tongue.gif)

I will try to implement some of your critique as I see fit, thanks for helping me with it and giving me something to reflect on. As for how Allen feels about students coming in and such, you'll find out soon enough that he's a very independent person and sort of ignores anyone who doesn't really affect him, meaning he doesn't particularly care about the other students. In general, the atmosphere is sort of carefree as people do what they want and it's to the point that no one is going to go judging others or making reactions about things that are already the accepted norm (such as students coming in late, the Professor making long introductions, etc.).

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#15 Fire Blazer

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Posted 30 June 2013 - 08:32 AM

New parts are out. Link is same as always. Will update the first post in a sec to say how far it is (part 5 inclusive). Note that I'm going to stop publicly sharing this soon and at that point you'll have to buy the book (whenever it's published*) if you wanna read it. wink.gif

*I do plan to publish because it sounds like it'd be fun. It's going to be a simple publish with little investment or anything just for fun. Whether it's quality enough/deserves to be published or not is an issue I'm not concerned with, just being able to complete a story and have a copy of it myself is enough of an accomplishment for me =). I -may- upload the story in PDF form or something after it's been published for people who don't want to buy it etc., but only for you guys, and if people are interested. Making money is cool but I wouldn't want cool people like you guys to feel like your friend is cheating you out of reading what's an amateur story anyway. tongue.gif

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#16 Oblivion Knight

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Posted 30 June 2013 - 09:46 PM

I liked the video game references, with the FE names and Veridian since well Viridian City. Overall it looks good man, and I'll follow this. Keep up the good work.
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#17 Fire Blazer

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Posted 30 June 2013 - 11:39 PM

I'm sorry to say none of those were intentional lol it's just hard not to seem like I'm referencing something with so many games, stories, TV shows, etc. out there, especially when it comes to first names of people. I could make up my own names, but those tend to be less appealing in general, so I've limited them quite a bit (even though I think it can be fun to come up with my own names... just can't help that random names like "Frivily Tomakon" are going to sound weird lol).

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#18 kirant

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Posted 16 July 2013 - 06:29 PM

Aimless thoughts:
- You seem better at writing combat scenes. The pace of them is much more effective. I notice you don't stick with a single viewpoint here either, which is probably better suited since people want to have a nice cinema-esc visualization of the scene (ex - the professor).
- Maybe I read too much of the 90% of Sturgeon's Law, but Raven seems to be a really common name, especially for someone with black hair. Was there a reason in this selection (I really apologize since I can't word this better, but red flags go off in my head when I hear this due to its popularity and associated characters. I think your Raven has avoided them so far, but it's certainly something to keep in mind while writing).
- Part 4 seems a little ambiguous as if it's supposed to be kind of from Allen's angle or from a true 3rd person perspective. I notice you used exact values for head tilt, something that would be consistent with Allen's characteristics that you posed earlier. However, I don't feel 100% confident that's the case. Flipping that and the paragraph below it would probably make that one section much more explicit in its intent. Also, I tend not to use quotation marks around thoughts, purely using italics. Personally, I think those thoughts look cleaner without them.

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#19 Fire Blazer

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Posted 16 July 2013 - 07:52 PM

Thanks for the critique, I'll definitely work it in when I get back into the swing of things.

Regarding Raven, not particularly but I've been thinking about this for such a long time I don't think I could change his name at this point. He's just stuck as Raven already. I didn't really think of the whole common name thing. XD

As for his black hair, that's just because he's somewhat based on me and I have black hair. He's sort of a complicated character who is... IMO more realistic in terms of human qualities in that he can't really be pinned down to some simple stereotype and doesn't follow what people might consider normal logic etc., stuff that I feel is actually more characteristic of real people (i.e. real people are rather unpredictable and often don't make sense). So hopefully he won't become a bland "Raven" or whatever it is you were trying to get across... XP

And part 4 is supposed to be from 3rd-person, I'll go back and try to make that a little more clear if I can.

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