Jump to content



Toggle shoutbox Shoutbox Open the Shoutbox in a popup

@  Elwood : (12 August 2019 - 05:57 AM) Oh, new posts! ...And it's bots. Kinda nostalgic actually.
@  xcrash1998 : (22 June 2019 - 09:24 PM) (Brushes dust of the Shoutbox)
@  Elwood : (17 June 2019 - 06:14 AM) *tumbleweed*
@  Lucina : (16 June 2019 - 09:19 AM) Whew. I haven't been here in forever.
@  Cero : (11 June 2019 - 06:51 PM) oof
@  kirant : (01 June 2019 - 05:54 PM) f
@  Fire Blazer : (30 May 2019 - 03:01 AM) rip
@  Valke : (29 May 2019 - 08:20 AM) bruh i deleted my discord a few months ago,,,,
@  Fire Blazer : (28 May 2019 - 01:59 AM) glad ur alive. join our Discord
@  Fire Blazer : (28 May 2019 - 01:59 AM) yo
@  Valke : (25 May 2019 - 03:08 PM) im alive, college finally gave me breaks (coupled with a few assignments i need to turn next week)
@  Valke : (25 May 2019 - 03:07 PM) hi
@  Valke : (25 May 2019 - 03:07 PM) guys
@  Fire Blazer : (25 March 2019 - 10:43 PM) how things have changed
@  Elwood : (12 March 2019 - 08:31 AM) (a sigh somewhere between small and large)
@  kirant : (12 March 2019 - 05:40 AM) (larger sigh)
@  Fire Blazer : (11 March 2019 - 08:49 PM) (small sigh)
@  Fire Blazer : (25 February 2019 - 05:07 AM)
@  Fire Blazer : (06 February 2019 - 04:34 AM) Cardfight Vanguard X? huh
@  Mercurius : (05 February 2019 - 10:49 PM) THE ONE SWITCH GAME I WANTED TO HAPPEN THE SECOND I LEARNED IT WAS REGION FREE PRE-RELEASE OMFG 2019 IS GIVING ME EVERY SINGLE REASON TO HAVE BOUGHT IT WOULD PAY ONLINE FOR 10/10

Photo

The Last Memory


  • Please log in to reply
15 replies to this topic

#1 Fire Blazer

Fire Blazer

    You ready?

  • Creator
  • 12,103 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:U.S.A.
  • Interests:Too many to list. =P

Posted 16 January 2013 - 11:07 PM

WARNING:

This is related to my hack, The Last Promise. While many details are being altered, some of them are the same. It takes place AFTER TLP as well, so IF YOU HAVE NOT PLAYED THE LAST PROMISE AND DON'T WANT TO BE SPOILED ON THE GAME, DO NOT READ IT!. There are some major spoilers here, even if it's just a preview, so be warned.

Also, you're free to give critique in that I'm not going to ban you if you do, but chances are I'm gonna be immature and not listen at all, the reason being that I just don't feel like it right now. Once I make some more progress, I'll probably be a bit more open to critique, but right now I care about nothing more than making progress and making sure I get these ideas down before I just lose all motivation. I can go back and edit it when I have nothing better to do or something, but right now I want to stay positive before I rage-quit and never finish it. >___>'

-----------------------------

TLM: Story PDF

Bblazer2.png

Signature thanks to Shu.


#2 Ristau

Ristau

    LIGHTS Super-fan

  • Veterans
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,328 posts
  • Gender:Male

Posted 17 January 2013 - 12:36 AM

It's a good concept, though I'm a bit fuzzy on one aspect. It says that there were 7 heroes, and then Yulia (one) stayed behind. Then you also said that there were only 5 nations (7-1=6) I dunno if I'm missing something or if it was simply a mistake on your part, but I'm excited to see more, especially getting "close" to the hack from just betatesting it and because I was there through about the last half of you making it over the summer (correct me if I'm wrong about it being half tongue.gif)

Also, if there's a separate critiquing thread that I missed, please move this post and sorry ahead of time D:
Posted Image

#3 Mercurius

Mercurius

    Ars est celare artem

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,408 posts
  • Gender:Not Telling
  • Interests:Digital art, idealistic stories, MMOs, SRPGs, hunting games, FAAAAAAAAAAABULOUS-ness, and staying out of the social order.

Posted 17 January 2013 - 12:38 AM

Wait, so what's supposed to be the problem here? Is Magnus going to try pillaging other countries for food?

I believe in judgment of humans through their judgment of fiction, for nothing else tells better of their disposition freed from apprehension.


#4 Scrimsax

Scrimsax

    The Skirmisher

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 219 posts
  • Location:The Tiniest of States

Posted 17 January 2013 - 01:39 AM

Seems like a nice start... I know I for one would love to see more backstory for the land you have made for yourself.

Master Moogle. Kupo.
 


#5 Snow

Snow

    The Combat Medic

  • Veterans
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 926 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Santiago de Chile
  • Interests:Tons of stuff, figure them out yourself.

Posted 17 January 2013 - 01:44 AM

Need more story.
Posted Image
Posted Image
This won't be removed until Chile wins the World Cup - Started 24/06/12
BTW, I take map requests if anyone wants to make one XD, just send me a PM and I'll most likely accept. If you wanna see some of previous work you can visit my gallery here, I'd skip to the end because I've improved alot XD.

#6 Fire Blazer

Fire Blazer

    You ready?

  • Creator
  • 12,103 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:U.S.A.
  • Interests:Too many to list. =P

Posted 17 January 2013 - 02:31 AM

I meant to post more but my Internet went out. On my phone now, and I can't do much from here. Kind of in a pinch, tbqh... *sighs*

EDIT: Here's Part 2 (I'm not really calling them chapters, they're just kind of... named divisions, for the time being. XP)

You'll notice some characters if you've played TLP (which you should have beaten or else you really shouldn't be reading this)

------------------------

Lurking in the Shadows

There weren’t any lights on at the time. But even if there had been, he still wouldn’t have been spotted. It just wouldn’t happen.

The young boy cloaked in black moved out and softly closed the door behind him. He was thin, nimble, fast, and a quick learner. Whatever task it was, he’d follow through. Assuming he approved of it, anyway. A scar on his left eye and a roughed up appearance made him seem older than he was, yet underneath his garbs was a kind, lighthearted kid slowly maturing in his own way.

“Dark blue hair… that’s you, isn’t it, Althares?” spoke a mysterious swordsman hiding in the shadow of a building. The moon gave off just enough light to reflect the only thing of color Althares ever wore: his short, messy, navy blue hair. After a second, the man let go of the sheathe on the side of his belt, and began walking through the shadows towards the forest. The nimble boy quickly caught up and followed in his footsteps. After stepping into the trees, they stopped to trade news.

“I didn’t encounter much resistance inside. I had to… make a few unwanted moves, but otherwise, everything is fine. Please, tell me you didn’t do anything rash, Kelik…” said Althares.

“Nothing happened. These “rebels” didn’t bother to put up any patrols. They don’t know what they’re doing. I’ve seen vagrants be better soldiers than these guys,” responded the strong, 19-year-old man. As he stopped his footsteps, he quickly placed his hand on his sheathe once more, positioning himself so that he could pull out his sword at any moment. As he did, his long, red jacket made the sound of a cape, and his already serious expression turned even more grim. One couldn’t see his hair, because it was as dark as the forest around them. Althares looked puzzled, but for no more than a second. The light of a torch pierced through the stillness of the forest, and suddenly, Althares and Kelik were no longer the only ones occupying it.

“They know something has happened. Something gave it away,” stated Kelik. While he had no reason to doubt their stealth, he could reach no other conclusion.

“Maybe not. They might be here for another reason…” responded Althares.

“Then I’d like to hear some reasonable proposals about what that reason is.”

“I got nothing, bud.”

“Nor I.”

“We can’t fight them. That’d ruin everything. You know that.”

“I know that.”

“I know you know that. I just said…”

“But I want to know what they’re here for. If we somehow gave ourselves anyway, we need to know, so we can adjust our strategy. If they’re here for another reason… I’d still like to know what it is. It might be something important for us to know.”

“I know this won’t change your mind, but for the record, our objective here is completed. And we’re just mercenaries. If we fulfill the contract, we’ll get paid.”

“This isn’t about being a mercenary.”

“It never is with you, Kelik.”

“…Yeah, I’m pretty selfish. Make me feel guilty about it later though, okay? Let’s go hide for now. Once we figure out what they’re up to, we can take a detour out of here.”

“Gonna use your fancy ether sense to feel a safe path out, huh?”

“We can’t afford to use torches. We’ll give ourselves away in a second. We’ll have to move slowly, but it’s the only way. Try to feel your way through the darkness, too. I can’t sense every little detail.”

“Heh. If only Splitsy could get me outta here.”

“Shut it, Al.”

“Will do, my angry little commander.”

------------------

Also, because of formatting loss and other issues, chapters after these will likely be pasted in "HTML" form (i.e. as a webpage that I'll link to you guys) or "PDF" form (which you should be able to read online). Having to paste it and fix spacing issues and just leave the other ones left there is kind of annoying and makes me feel bleh.

@Ryoku I failed to mention that the Western Archipelago is a territory but not it's own sovereign nation; people from all the other nations contribute to the government and market of it. However, due to its close proximity to Magnus, Magnus monopolized it before the war and used it as a source of money (because of its rich mineral deposits and whatnot) amongst other things (e.g. servants, soldiers, a place to make weapons, etc.). The place is never visited in TLP but you can find a little bit about this through supports (e.g. Gary is from the Western Archipelago). Granted supports aren't out yet so you couldn't be expected to know, and I have to fix that little inconsistency at some point. XD

Bblazer2.png

Signature thanks to Shu.


#7 Bobryk

Bobryk

    ;/

  • Veterans
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,363 posts
  • Location:everywhere and nowhere
  • Interests:Brunettes<br>Being awesome<br>Meat products

Posted 17 January 2013 - 03:04 AM

Interesting concept so far. I'll have to give it a bit more of an in-depth read at some point to "critique" (though I never really critique-- just suggest).

What I can tell just by glancing over is that there's some unnecessary words/sentences, so it just needs a little polish, but other than that, good start! Keep rolling, bro.
user posted image

#8 Fire Blazer

Fire Blazer

    You ready?

  • Creator
  • 12,103 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:U.S.A.
  • Interests:Too many to list. =P

Posted 17 January 2013 - 03:18 AM

I might've ninja'd you with an update to my last post, just FYI (or I might not have, I can't really tell)

Though anyhow you're free to dump any specifics here if you have time but if not that's cool too I've only shown like a page and a half so I haven't gotten very far (err, I've written more, just haven't shown it). Granted as I said I probably won't actually act on any of them anytime soon (albeit I am making small fixes as I see them as to not forget them, but that's just stuff like "oh I happen to see this well since it'll only take 3 seconds to fix..." as opposed to hardcore critique on how bland, wordy, etc. my writing is XD).

Bblazer2.png

Signature thanks to Shu.


#9 Lancer

Lancer

    Scrub

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 528 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Canada
  • Interests:Things not related to school. Except English and art. Possibly history as well.

Posted 17 January 2013 - 04:19 AM

Less talky more cutty.

I like reading about people getting cut.

TLPMiniBanner.png

vkWfJfS.png

SUP


#10 Fire Blazer

Fire Blazer

    You ready?

  • Creator
  • 12,103 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:U.S.A.
  • Interests:Too many to list. =P

Posted 17 January 2013 - 05:19 AM

TLM: Story PDF

Sorry, but not much will happen for a bit, as I have a lot of background to fill the player in on, since I have to assume they haven't played TLP (if I share this with others, I don't want them to have to play TLP for it to make sense, but at the same time, for you guys, it includes some spoilers regarding TLP, so I have to be careful, even if the two aren't EXACTLY related, as you'll soon see).

This newest chapter is pretty much explaining a lot about ether and a mission that some kid named Allen is going on. There's going to be quite a lot of talking and basic narrating (describing people, their way of talking, relations, etc.) but there should be some action by the fifth division^^... You're hardly any ways in, a little patience and it'll pick up just like any other story.

Also I know there's a lot of basic grammar errors (e.g. "The expected time of arrival passed, but a few minutes later, and he walked in") but I'll fix them over time once I start actually proofing my work, sorry about that XP.

Bblazer2.png

Signature thanks to Shu.


#11 Lancer

Lancer

    Scrub

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 528 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Canada
  • Interests:Things not related to school. Except English and art. Possibly history as well.

Posted 17 January 2013 - 06:58 AM

Le critique time. Not sure if you're asking for it so I might end up sounding like a naggy *****, but anyways...

When writing something that's not web chat, you should use "See ya" instead of "cya." Appeared in the Allen G-ma Cory dialogue.

Otherwise, I'm interested about whether you're going to kill off Allen or not. Allen seems like he has a lot of potential for development, and this new element for TLM is quite cool.

TLPMiniBanner.png

vkWfJfS.png

SUP


#12 Ristau

Ristau

    LIGHTS Super-fan

  • Veterans
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,328 posts
  • Gender:Male

Posted 17 January 2013 - 12:30 PM

So wait, is there a Tower of the Chosen and a Tower of the Unchosen, or have I just been reading it wrong in TLP this whole time? dry.gif But yeah, other than the few grammatical errors that other people have pointed out, and you'll get too eventually, the story seems quite interesting so far and I'm curious to see where you're going with this. smile.gif
Posted Image

#13 Fire Blazer

Fire Blazer

    You ready?

  • Creator
  • 12,103 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:U.S.A.
  • Interests:Too many to list. =P

Posted 17 January 2013 - 04:35 PM

Yes, they are two different things. Naturally, you'll find out more about their connection later. I try not to explain everything right away even if the characters in the story have the information to avoid huge information dumps and spoil all the plot lol

@Lancer no not really lol I just want to keep pummeling before I get writer's block for now...

Bblazer2.png

Signature thanks to Shu.


#14 Fire Blazer

Fire Blazer

    You ready?

  • Creator
  • 12,103 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:U.S.A.
  • Interests:Too many to list. =P

Posted 21 January 2013 - 04:27 AM

New part up... it's a bit longer than usual.

https://dl.dropbox.c...c/TLMOnline.pdf

Bblazer2.png

Signature thanks to Shu.


#15 Lancer

Lancer

    Scrub

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 528 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Canada
  • Interests:Things not related to school. Except English and art. Possibly history as well.

Posted 21 January 2013 - 04:58 AM

Dafuq happened to Karina yo?

TLPMiniBanner.png

vkWfJfS.png

SUP


#16 Fire Blazer

Fire Blazer

    You ready?

  • Creator
  • 12,103 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:U.S.A.
  • Interests:Too many to list. =P

Posted 21 January 2013 - 05:16 AM

I don't own all the characters so to avoid copyright etc. issues some of them have been renamed and others might have to be renamed in the future :|

Bblazer2.png

Signature thanks to Shu.





1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users