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The Millenium Warrior


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#1 arimibn

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Posted 24 June 2013 - 06:39 AM

So I was looking through my old documents and I found a book I wrote when I was 14. So I decided I'd fix it up and publish it. Here's what I've got so far. (Yes. I know it isn't that much.) I need someone to help me learn better ways to write dialogue.

____________________________

The Millennium Warrior…How long have I held that name? Before I even realized it, I had become a hero of the people. I was just a mercenary…a mercenary trying to live up to the expectations of a close friend…I sit here at this grave site…trying to remember my past.
I remember…I’m running through the forest in the blackness of the night. The darkness grew as the clouds swallowed up the moon. I want to reach her in time. Somaria…I…I have to save you! “How much further…? How much further must we go until we reach her?”

The shadow-hidden figure leading me moved with a sway…almost as if he was slithering. A deafening whisper reached my ears. “It should be just passssst that hill…” Not wanting to waste any time, I urged him to hurry. “You’re very impatient, aren’t you…? Or are you just in a rush because your friend’s very life depends on your successssss…?”

I knew exactly what he meant. This cowardly man who worked for Makhai, Orochi, was taking me to meet his master. The very same dastard responsible for Somaria’s disappearance. I could tell he was threatening her… “If she has so much as a scratch on her…!”
Orochi let out a disgustingly decrepit cackle as his eerie voice pierced my ears once more. “Your anger…is misdirected at me. But I digress, for we've arrived at our destination! In that temple…you will meet my master. Will you be able to save her? Who knows…?” Orochi’s figure faded away into the blackness of the night.

I took my stance as a readied myself. Makhai…long have I known him. He is a merciless fiend. His giant stature…his booming voice…his endless thirst for war...characteristics he embodies all too well. I’m well aware that he would have no intention in keeping his word. I’m almost certain he’s waiting for me…merely so he can execute her in front of me. “I…I’m ready for this! …Aren't I? Why do I hesitate? Do I really believe that I may fail in saving Somaria..? No! I cannot lose!” I cautiously entered the temple…prepared for whatever traps awaited me.

No sooner than I’d entered the temple had the entrance, and most likely my only exit, sealed itself completely. I inspected it myself. The door had bonded with the wall. It wasn't going to open again. I continued down the hallway kept alight by torches. Upon closer examination…this was quite grotesque. The skeletons of fallen soldiers littered the floor. The corpses of fallen warriors fueled the flames. But without fear, I continued on. But why do I hesitate? I feel no fear…but I feel...anxious. Why can’t I shake this feeling?

I stepped into a brightly lit colosseum which blinded me due to its contrast to the dim halls of before. It didn't take long for my eyes to adjust. However…when they did, it was no happy sight. I was surrounded by at least a hundred men. I scanned my surroundings for my dear friend Somaria. She was nowhere to be seen. “Hmph…I've walked right into a trap… How careless of me.”

The memory ends there…Did I save her? I…I cannot remember. But…the fact that I’m still alive means I was triumphant…right? This unmarked grave I stand at holds no clues of my past…and yet I am drawn to it. I am certain this tombstone is important. I just don’t know why.
"You'll never forgive me? Like I give a damn."
"You got a jacked up notion of fair play pal...and it's beginning to piss me off."
"Though a fight every now and again does make life a little more interesting...dontcha think?"
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^ This isn't dead, I swear!
Most of my closest friends have qualities that I despise. But I love them all regardless of their faults.
"Why are we trying to narrow God's mercy? I didn't realize there was a limit to how many people could go to heaven."

This will not be removed until I finish my Sprite Series. Arim and AJ VS The World Started December 19, 2013 (I actually still haven't given up on this! XD)

This will not be removed until The Demon Invasion is finished. Started December 19, 2013 (Hue)

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#2 Bobryk

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Posted 27 June 2013 - 04:07 AM

This is...rather well done. I like it because of the first person-- it's unique and I can't do it very well XD. I went through it and gave some suggestions below.

Bobryk stuff (Click Here To Hide/Show Text)


The Millennium Warrior…How long have I held that name? Before I even realized it, I had become a hero of the people. I was just a mercenary…a mercenary trying to live up to the expectations of a close friend…I sit here at this grave site…trying to remember my past.
I remember…I’m running through the forest in the darkness of night [Darkest of night seems cliche' to me] . It was even more dark than usual since the clouds swallowed up the moon [Perhaps "The darkness grew as the clouds swallowed the moon?] . I want to reach her in time. Somaria…I…I have to save you! “How much further…? How much further must we go until we reach her?” [This is probably a forum thing, but this needs its own paragraph/indent/however you want to separate it]
The shadow-hidden [a dash is needed to separate these two words] figure leading me moved with a sway…almost as if he was slithering. A deafening whisper reached my ears. “It should be just passssst that hill…” Not wanting to waste any time, I urged him to hurry. “You’re very impatient, aren’t you…? Or are you just in a rush because your friend’s very life depends on your successssss…?”
I knew exactly what he meant. This cowardly man who worked for Makhai, Orochi, was taking me to meet his master. The very same dastard responsible for Somaria’s disappearance. I could tell he was threatening her… “If she has so much as a scratch on her…!”
Orochi let out a disgustingly decrepit cackle as his eerie voice pierced my ears once more. “Your anger…is misdirected at me. But I digress, for we've arrived at our destination! In that temple…you will meet my master. Will you be able to save her? Who knows…?” Orochi’s figure faded away into the blackness of the night.
I took my stance as a [did you mean "I?"] readied myself. Makhai…long have I known him. He is a merciless fiend. His giant stature…his booming voice…his endless thirst for war...these are [I don't think you need "these are" here] characteristics he embodies all too well. I’m well aware that he would have no intention in keeping his word. I’m almost certain he’s waiting for me…merely so he can execute her in front of me. “I…I’m ready for this! …Aren't I? Why do I hesitate? Do I really believe that I may fail in saving Somaria..? No! I cannot lose!” I cautiously entered the temple…prepared for whatever traps awaited me.
No sooner than I’d entered the temple had the entrance, and most likely my only exit, sealed itself completely [How did it seal itself? Did rocks fall, a'la the mines of Moria?] . I continued down the hallway that was lit by the torches [Perhaps "kept alight by torches?" . Upon closer examination…this was quite grotesque. The skeletons of fallen soldiers littered the floor. The corpses of fallen warriors fueled the flames. But without fear, I continued on. But why do I hesitate? I feel no fear…but I feel...anxious. Why can’t I shake this feeling?
I stepped into a brightly lit colosseum which blinded me due to its ["due to its" sounds odd and unnecessary. I'd change up the wording and/or delete] contrast to the dim halls of before. It didn't take very ["very" is almost always considered unnecessary in this instance] long for my eyes to adjust. However…when they did, it was no happy sight. I was completely and utterly surrounded [You don't need completely and utterly. Say the sentence with the words, then say them without. Does the meaning of the sentence change? Nope.] . I scanned my surroundings for my dear friend Somaria. She was nowhere to be seen. “Hmph…I've walked right into a trap… How careless of me.”
The memory ends there…Did I save her? I…I cannot remember. But…the fact that I’m still alive means I was triumphant…right? This unmarked grave I stand at holds no clues of my past…and yet I am drawn to it. I am certain this tombstone is important. I just don’t know why it’s important. [I'd end it at "I just don't know why."]

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#3 Fire Blazer

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Posted 27 June 2013 - 06:13 AM

This is silly, but, I can't read it because of the formatting. >_<; do you have a better formatted version or something? If Bobryk says it's good it probably is but I just can't get myself to read it like that QQ

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#4 SmashedFish

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Posted 27 June 2013 - 04:34 PM

Well, it's an interesting enough start. It's quite vague, of course, but again, it's just the start of something, so it would be. Are you planning on continuing it? Also, your dialogue looks okay (despite that there's not much of it) unless you meant that you needed help formatting it.

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#5 arimibn

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Posted 27 June 2013 - 09:06 PM

I love you Bobryk. I really do. XD And yeah, I copy/pasted it from the word document, so the forum kinda removed the indentations and paragraph spaces. I'll try and edit them back in. And I'll probably make the recommended changes.

And yes. I do plan to finish this. Lol. In fact, I plan to try and publish it at some point. (Not to try and make money off of it. Mainly just so I can have it published.)
"You'll never forgive me? Like I give a damn."
"You got a jacked up notion of fair play pal...and it's beginning to piss me off."
"Though a fight every now and again does make life a little more interesting...dontcha think?"
Posted Image
^ This isn't dead, I swear!
Most of my closest friends have qualities that I despise. But I love them all regardless of their faults.
"Why are we trying to narrow God's mercy? I didn't realize there was a limit to how many people could go to heaven."

This will not be removed until I finish my Sprite Series. Arim and AJ VS The World Started December 19, 2013 (I actually still haven't given up on this! XD)

This will not be removed until The Demon Invasion is finished. Started December 19, 2013 (Hue)

3DS Friend Code 0834 - 1057 - 3616

#6 Fire Blazer

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Posted 27 June 2013 - 10:25 PM

try saving as a PDF and uploading it on dropbox or something that's what I did

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#7 arimibn

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Posted 24 August 2013 - 08:56 PM

So liek. Here's some new stuff and stuff. ...And stuff. ....STUFFCEPTION. Cliffhangers FTW.
_______________________________________

As I turn away from the grave…I finally noticed her; a fellow member of my mercenary troop. Megami had a look of worry on her face. She’s always been that way…such a caring soul. She slowly walked closer to me. “You’ve been out longer than usual. …I was starting to get worried.”
The thought of someone as frail as Megami walking to a graveyard by herself seemed rather…unbelievable. “You came all the way out here…alone?”
Megami looked shocked at my comment. She started panicking and looking around frantically. “He..he was just here a moment ago! Oh…I hope he didn’t get lost…”
Ah…it made sense. Sylus must have accompanied her to the graveyard and then left without telling her. I left my spot at the tombstone and walked ahead of Megami. “Well…we both know that Sylus has no sense of direction. Perhaps we should go and find him.”
Megami quickly ran to my side. I forgot…she’s scared to be out here alone. “Don’t leave me here! We’re at the graveyard in the middle of the night… Who knows what could be lurking in the shadows…”
One might see her fear as childish…But I know all too well what she’s referring to. The creatures of the shadows… People referred to them as the Charades. They carried this name due to their ability to mimic the form of their victims. The uncertainty of the night…it kept people guessing.
We walked through the forest and came to a clearing. We’d reached the path back to town. This path is where most people fell victim to the Charades…Let them come. No creature of the night will ever best me. “Megami…be on your guard. You know how dangerous this path is at night.”
I waited for some form of response. I surveyed the area. I didn’t see her. Could she have…? No! I’ve got to find her! I ran back into the forest ready to face whatever demonic creature had taken her. …I only hope I’m not too late.
It was right there when I heard her scream. I used that to guide me. But what I found was nothing short of a horrid sight. She was surrounded by them. I could see the bloodlust in their eyes. Megami looked around in fear. “No..! No! Someone! Please…help!”
I dashed out toward them. They won’t hurt Megami as long as I draw breath! “Hold on! I’m coming!” I unsheathed my sword as I leaped into the air above them. The Charades noticed my presence. Their forms twisted and turned into a variety of menacing shapes. One leapt at me in an attempt to bring me down with its claws. I used my blade to strike it down. I landed on my feet as the monster fell to the ground and turned to ashes. “You monsters won’t lay a finger on her; for I shall grant you retribution here and now.”
Megami panicked and ran towards me, but one of the Charades blocked her path. I tried to attack it myself, but the other demons kept me at bay. I saw Megami close her eyes with fear. But before the beast could strike her down, a blur swept her away. I knew who had saved Megami. It was our friend, Sylus. “Sorry I took so long guys. I was lost in the woods for a bit.”

"You'll never forgive me? Like I give a damn."
"You got a jacked up notion of fair play pal...and it's beginning to piss me off."
"Though a fight every now and again does make life a little more interesting...dontcha think?"
Posted Image
^ This isn't dead, I swear!
Most of my closest friends have qualities that I despise. But I love them all regardless of their faults.
"Why are we trying to narrow God's mercy? I didn't realize there was a limit to how many people could go to heaven."

This will not be removed until I finish my Sprite Series. Arim and AJ VS The World Started December 19, 2013 (I actually still haven't given up on this! XD)

This will not be removed until The Demon Invasion is finished. Started December 19, 2013 (Hue)

3DS Friend Code 0834 - 1057 - 3616




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