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So I'm writing a story...


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#41 Rujio

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Posted 20 August 2011 - 03:08 AM

http://rewjeo-astory.../chapter-9.html

Chapter 9!

Edit: Hey, this doesn't have my revisions from when I reread it at not 2 AM when I had only gotten 4 hours of sleep the previous night... I'll fix that later.
?????????
???????
There, katakana. Happy?
QUOTE
Bobryk -- holy crap I look away for two seconds and I have knots all up in my shit

#42 Bobryk

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Posted 24 August 2011 - 06:07 AM

Alrighty, finished. Lots of stuff seemed to happen, so let's see if I actually paid attention this time. But first

QUOTE
wet redness on Lemina’s cheeks


OOH BABY

Anyway,

QUOTE
But first, apparently there are some things Kertankuse wants to talk to you about. Good luck.”
~~~~~
            “Ah, Chigau,” Kertankuse said. “I have a few things I’d like to talk to you about.”


Seems a bit repetitive. I'd change up the words a bit. Or you could throw in a line after Kert's comment like: I guess Smyx wasn't lying... Rewjeo thought. Potential for some comic relief there.

QUOTE
   “Right,” Seloh confirmed. “Can you lead the others, then?”


I was expecting the random soldier guy to reply to this instead of it just transitioning scenes. Maybe try adding that line and see if it flows better?

Other than that, I like what I read. Lemina's pretty badass biggrin.gif. Keep going!
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#43 Rujio

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Posted 24 August 2011 - 06:13 AM

Do quotes work now?

QUOTE (Bobryk @ Aug 23 2011, 11:07 PM)
Alrighty, finished. Lots of stuff seemed to happen, so let's see if I actually paid attention this time. But first

QUOTE
wet redness on Lemina’s cheeks


OOH BABY

?
QUOTE

Anyway,

QUOTE
But first, apparently there are some things Kertankuse wants to talk to you about. Good luck.”
~~~~~
            “Ah, Chigau,” Kertankuse said. “I have a few things I’d like to talk to you about.”


Seems a bit repetitive. I'd change up the words a bit. Or you could throw in a line after Kert's comment like: I guess Smyx wasn't lying... Rewjeo thought. Potential for some comic relief there.

I can add stuff in. Or something.
QUOTE

QUOTE
   “Right,” Seloh confirmed. “Can you lead the others, then?”


I was expecting the random soldier guy to reply to this instead of it just transitioning scenes. Maybe try adding that line and see if it flows better?

Other than that, I like what I read. Lemina's pretty badass biggrin.gif. Keep going!

I didn't know how he would reply to it... FINE

I think I struggle to come up with female characters because of Lemina. She's like 968456 different people rolled into one. But that works?
?????????
???????
There, katakana. Happy?
QUOTE
Bobryk -- holy crap I look away for two seconds and I have knots all up in my shit

#44 Rujio

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Posted 02 September 2011 - 07:17 PM

Guess what I just realized? Lemina backwards is Animel. Anyways, I'm working. It's going slowly now, but I'm getting through it. WHERE ARE THOSE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS YOU PROMISED ME BOBRYK? I ONLY HAVE THREE NIGHTS LEFT BEFORE SCHOOL.
?????????
???????
There, katakana. Happy?
QUOTE
Bobryk -- holy crap I look away for two seconds and I have knots all up in my shit

#45 Rujio

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Posted 19 September 2011 - 01:59 AM

So I never bothered to update this, but Chapter 10 is done. http://rewjeo-astory...chapter-10.html
?????????
???????
There, katakana. Happy?
QUOTE
Bobryk -- holy crap I look away for two seconds and I have knots all up in my shit

#46 Rujio

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Posted 04 October 2011 - 12:12 AM

Chapter 11. READ AND COMMENT PLZ http://rewjeo-astory...chapter-11.html

I can link to the song if people want/I'm not feeling lazy.
?????????
???????
There, katakana. Happy?
QUOTE
Bobryk -- holy crap I look away for two seconds and I have knots all up in my shit

#47 Rujio

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Posted 21 October 2011 - 12:25 PM

KAY CHAPTER 12 YOU GUYS ARE FALLING BEHIND READ GOSH DANGIT WHY DOES THE SCHOOL YEAR SCREW OVER STORY RELATED STUFF SO MUCH
http://rewjeo-astory...chapter-12.html
?????????
???????
There, katakana. Happy?
QUOTE
Bobryk -- holy crap I look away for two seconds and I have knots all up in my shit

#48 SmashedFish

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Posted 24 October 2011 - 02:19 PM

Nice and caught up, now. I love how this story goes along, but what could the question possibly be?

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#49 Rujio

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Posted 05 January 2012 - 09:00 AM

Oh, hey, so I'm on chapter 18 now.

Don't worry I haven't updated anywhere in forever. I haven't been just neglecting you guys. Now, I'd like to revise what I have so far, so feel free to give me harsh (but constructive) critique about everything so far!

Also, I was really confused seeing Ectobiologist there. I was like, "wait who are you?" Then I realized who it was and it makes more sense now.
?????????
???????
There, katakana. Happy?
QUOTE
Bobryk -- holy crap I look away for two seconds and I have knots all up in my shit

#50 SmashedFish

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Posted 05 January 2012 - 01:29 PM

Haha, I'm thinking of changing it back, actually. Kinda weird, being me but not having the name I'm used to.

Np, I wouldn't mind going over old chapters. Bit busy now, but I shall later.

Also, speaking of updating stories, brb.

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#51 Rujio

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Posted 06 January 2012 - 01:26 AM

Haha, wow, I started reading over this and the first few chapters need some work. Pretty badly in parts.
?????????
???????
There, katakana. Happy?
QUOTE
Bobryk -- holy crap I look away for two seconds and I have knots all up in my shit

#52 Bobryk

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Posted 08 January 2012 - 06:05 AM

Oh snap, it's back! I'll have to catch up and probably re-read to remind myself of what's happened since summer.

And don't be too harsh on yourself-- I doubt it's even bad. I've had many instances where I reread something that's in my finished and published work and went "eh, I wish I looked at that scene again," but then people start to compliment it.

I wouldn't be too worried about editing right now anyway. Just go go go while it's flowing (if it is).
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#53 Rujio

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Posted 12 January 2012 - 04:50 AM

So, I'm working on rewriting this now. My first attempt at the prologue was, well, weird and sorta sucky. So I moved onto chapter 1. Here's a rewrite of that first little bit that's from Rewjeo's perspective. What do you guys think?

It seemed to be the perfect spring day as I neared the end of my journey home. The forest was coming to life as it escaped winter’s grasp. And yet, as I journeyed on, it grew eerily quiet. The farther I trudged along, the deader the forest seemed to become.
Then, a jet black figure landed on a branch a few arm lengths in front of me. It was a raven, a prophetic figure, telling of misfortune. If you believe in those things, that is. I took a moment to observe the bird. Despite the stigma they had with the superstitious folk, I’ve always found them to be magnificent animals. It wasn’t often you found one willing to land so near a human.
But then the raven started to caw hop around agitatedly. Intrigued, I took a step back and looked around, discovering forty-odd troops marching down the path. They wore the distinctive blue armor of Guldar. That didn’t make sense, though. Why would Guldar have patrols all the way over here? The Gassadian stronghold was between here and Guldar. Fearing the worst, I hurried back to Gassad.

?????????
???????
There, katakana. Happy?
QUOTE
Bobryk -- holy crap I look away for two seconds and I have knots all up in my shit

#54 Bobryk

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Posted 13 January 2012 - 05:39 AM

I think some parts are better than the original, but there were some lines in the original that were pretty good too. My advice would be to mix the two and see what happens. As an example, I did it for a couple of sentences in the first two paragraphs. (The last paragraph is the same as your updated version.)

Obviously I didn't do it perfectly-- I'm just showing an example here.

x (Click Here To Hide/Show Text)


It seemed to be the perfect spring day as I neared the end of my journey home. The forest was coming to life as it escaped winter’s grasp. The birds were chirping and the squirrels were chattering in the trees all around me. Crystal clear water in the streams shimmered in the sunlight, and the green leaves on the trees seemed to glow under the cloudless blue sky.
And yet, as I journeyed on, it grew eerily quiet. The farther I trudged along, the deader the forest seemed to become.
Then, a jet black figure landed on a branch a few arm lengths in front of me. It was a raven, a prophetic figure often telling of misfortune or bloodshed. If you believe in those things, that is.. Despite the stigma they had with the superstitious folk, I’ve always found them to be magnificent animals. It wasn’t often you found one willing to land so near a human.
I gestured to show that I didn’t have anything in hopes it would leave, but it persisted. “I don’t have any food for you,” I said as I began to walk past it, somehow expecting it to understand me. Then it flew back in front of me, settled down in the middle of the path, and continued to call out. This time, it seemed to be pointing towards where I had been standing, but there was nothing there.
But then the raven started to caw hop around agitatedly. Intrigued, I took a step back and looked around, discovering forty-odd troops marching down the path. They wore the distinctive blue armor of Guldar. That didn’t make sense, though. Why would Guldar have patrols all the way over here? The Gassadian stronghold was between here and Guldar. Fearing the worst, I hurried back to Gassad.


Again, what I did wasn't anywhere near perfect, but you can kinda get the gist of what I'm talking about.

As always, keep at it! Good work so far!
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#55 Rujio

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Posted 13 January 2012 - 05:29 PM

Okay, between that and what I've been told over at SF, here's what I've got as of now.

It seemed to be the perfect spring day as I neared the end of my journey home. The forest was coming to life as it escaped winter’s grasp. The birds and squirrels could be heard chirping and chattering in the trees. Crystal clear water in the streams shimmered in the sunlight, and the leaves seemed to glow under the cloudless blue sky.
And yet, as I journeyed on, it grew eerily quiet. The farther I trudged along, the stiller the forest seemed to become. Then, a jet black figure landed on a branch a few arm lengths in front of me. It was a raven, a prophetic figure, telling of misfortune or bloodshed. If you believe in those things, that is. I took a moment to observe the bird. Despite the stigma they had with the superstitious folk, I’d always found them to be magnificent animals. It wasn’t often you found one so willing to land near a human.
But then the raven started to caw raucously. Intrigued, I took a step back and watched the bird for a few moments before continuing down the trail. Then it flew back in front of me and settled down in the middle of the path, continuing to call out. It was still facing towards where I had been standing before. Looking over there, I saw forty-odd troops marching down the path. They wore the distinctive blue armor of Guldar. That didn’t make sense, though. Why would Guldar have patrols all the way over here? The Gassadian stronghold was between here and Guldar. Fearing the worst, I hurried back to Gassad.

?????????
???????
There, katakana. Happy?
QUOTE
Bobryk -- holy crap I look away for two seconds and I have knots all up in my shit

#56 Rujio

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Posted 22 May 2012 - 11:40 PM

Super duper new new rewrite start! I swear I'll finish this someday...

Lord Jyron, King of Gassad, again unable to sleep, looked out his window at the night. Dark clouds blotted out the full moon, and the handful of free stars gently illuminated the shape of the castle and the rustling woods beyond. Wind howled against the stones of the tower, and behind Jyron a dying flame flickered, warming the drafty castle in the early spring.
Then, in a burst of chaos, a hole opened up in the castle wall. Jyron dropped down by instinct. He rose again to see a sea of shadows rushing in through the breach, and a handful more forms scampered along the walls. The latter would be the Gassadian guards, caught slumbering at their posts. A burst of light flashed across the courtyard, revealing the blue armor of Guldar on the invaders, followed by the roll of thunder.
Jyron scanned the army in earnest. The rain wasn’t falling on the castle, but lightning kept flashing. The fleeing Gassadian guards collapsed, one by one, no doubt picked off by Guldaran archers. Their inattention had proved its own reward. Then, Jyron’s eyes caught the glint of white armor amongst the blue horde. Kertankuse, the White General of Guldar, had come.
~~~~~
Seloh shot up as a blast rocked his bunk in the castle barracks. He rolled out of bed and tore his sword and armor off the wall. He strapped on what he could quickly, tossed his helmet on haphazardly, and ran out of the room while tying his scabbard to his belt. His roommate, Slize, stumbled after him, still strapping one of his boots on. “Seloh!” he called, hopping behind.
Seloh turned around, and his sword started to fall out of its sheath. He fumbled to grab it, and as he did the whole scabbard came untied and dropped to the floor. Seloh winced as it clanged against the stone. He crouched down and checked to see if anyone had noticed before picking it back up. Slize, his boot all the way on, trotted up. “What on earth is going on?” he asked over the din of the chaotic barracks as Seloh reattached the scabbard to his belt.
“I don’t know,” Seloh said under his breath as they shuffled nervously around the gathering space in the barracks. Other soldiers trickled in a handful at a time, unsure as to whether or not there was a real threat, but for the most part the barracks grew quiet.
“Maybe it was just thunder? There were clouds rolling in earlier,” Slize suggested.
“Do you hear rain?” Seloh asked. “I don’t, and anything that would have made a sound like that would have to have been almost a direct hit on the castle. It would have to be raining.”
“Well…” Slize began. Thud. Thud. Thud. The two eyed each other. “Do you…?”
Thud. Thud. Thud. “Yeah…” Seloh answered. Thud. Thud. Thud. He felt his heart start pounding in his chest.
Thud. Thud. Thud. Slize looked up. The space was filling up with bewildered soldiers. Thud. Thud. Thud. “Seloh.” Slize put his hand on his sword. Thud. Thud. Thud.
All of a sudden, General Klyszyr, followed by a train of underlings, stormed into the space. “Soldiers! Prepare for battle!” his voice boomed throughout the barracks.

?????????
???????
There, katakana. Happy?
QUOTE
Bobryk -- holy crap I look away for two seconds and I have knots all up in my shit

#57 Fire Blazer

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Posted 23 May 2012 - 02:25 AM

It's not bad but some of the lines feel like... very common. Though I have that problem myself...

I can't say I like the names either but at the very least they sound somewhat medieval so... lol idk even

I'm just going to stop and say "good work, Rujio"

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#58 Rujio

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Posted 23 May 2012 - 02:51 AM

QUOTE (Blazer @ May 22 2012, 07:25 PM)
It's not bad but some of the lines feel like... very common. Though I have that problem myself...

Could you give some examples?
?????????
???????
There, katakana. Happy?
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Bobryk -- holy crap I look away for two seconds and I have knots all up in my shit

#59 Rujio

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Posted 08 June 2012 - 05:52 AM

http://rewjeo-astory...2-prologue.html

Full (not entirely proofread) version of the new prologue! Be warned, there is a kinda sadistic character involved. It's not super gory or anything, but it's not super pleasant, either.
?????????
???????
There, katakana. Happy?
QUOTE
Bobryk -- holy crap I look away for two seconds and I have knots all up in my shit

#60 Nice Middle

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Posted 08 June 2012 - 01:11 PM

I think it's nice.
QUOTE (Fire Blazer @ Jul 25 2014, 07:59 PM)
I have cero love for you or your shenanigans

QUOTE (Holy Kensai @ May 18 2012, 08:01 PM)
Gotta love how even in fan fiction I'm a badass.





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