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So I'm writing a story...


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#21 Rujio

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Posted 11 August 2011 - 08:21 PM

Derp, typo. Caught that later, but never fixed it here.

Smyx is becoming quite the important character. Funny that he was created the same way as Faramir. Well, other than it being Rewjeo, not Frodo talking to him. But I still have no idea who he is. Oh, and less than .5% of the words so far are either very or really. So for every time one shows up, there are more than 200 other words. I'll try to keep it that low.

Start of chapter 6
Chapter 6
Rewjeo sat in his room, listening to Smyx talk. “You’re not the only one who’s been asking questions, Rewjeo. I’m… let’s say ‘naturally curious.’ I’ve asked the cooks and maids and such about all sorts of things. It became fairly obvious to me that you weren’t who you said.” Smyx stood up and turned to Rewjeo. “You know, you really should have spent more time on your alias. You were raised here in the castle, and left a year ago for Ilyarium to study various things, including history. You were expected to come back around this time. All you have is, well, you for the past year.”
“There’s more than that, though, Smyx,” Rewjeo replied. “If all you really thought was that I was Rewjeo, not Chigau, then why would you confront me yourself instead of telling Kertankuse?”
“I have my own agenda.”
“So you aren’t one of his soldiers?”
“Sort of.”
“Yes or no. And what is this agenda?”
“Technically, I’m a soldier of Guldar. But that doesn’t mean my loyalties lie with Kertankuse.”
“You keep avoiding my questions.”
“Hm?”
“Why don’t your loyalties lie with him, and where do they lie?”
“Ah. Well, I’d prefer not to share that right now.”
“You didn’t give me that opportunity.”
“Yes I did. I just didn’t wait for you to be ready to share it and I found it on my own.”
“If you won’t tell me anything, why should I trust you?”
“Because we’re here. Why would I sit here and talk to you instead of talking to Kertankuse? Not because I’m against you. You have to trust me.”
“So what is the point of all of this? What exactly do I have to trust you about?”
“I want to help.”
Rewjeo rolled his eyes. “Could you be any more cryptic, dammit? Clearly my disguise isn’t as secure as I thought, and I don’t have a door. If you keep this up, then I may very well be discovered by Kertankuse. You might be, too. So tell me what you want to do.”
“I want Kertankuse gone.”
“Why?”
“Like I said, I’d rather not share that.”
Rewjeo started to talk again when he saw Eirk coming down the hall. “Hey, someone’s coming! Get out of here! Act like I was interviewing you.” Smyx nodded and left the room.
Eirk came in, curious about what had happened. “So, who was that?”
“One of the soldiers. I was asking him about his opinion on various things that had happened,” Rewjeo said absentmindedly, grabbing his papers again.
Eirk looked at the papers and was almost stunned. “That’s…”
“I was just taking it to Kertankuse,” Rewjeo said. He looked up at Eirk. “What? I said I was going to document Guldar’s capture of Gassad, didn’t I?”
~~~~~
Rewjeo returned to his room that night relieved. There hardly seemed any reason to. One of the Guldarans had figured out who he was, and claimed to be on his side but refused to tell him anything. But, with Smyx, he was at least not alone in this castle. Kertankuse had seemed to be pleased with what Rewjeo had brought him, too. But who knows how long that might last? It might have even just been a façade.
Still, things felt like they were going well. There had been no news of the others, so he assumed they were safe, and he had a good idea of how to get the prisoners out and get the food and equipment for them. This wasn’t new, but it somehow felt better now. Maybe I could, he thought before another flew into his mind. Is that what Smyx is up to? Well, it would make more sense. Kertankuse hasn’t gone after me yet because he’s using Smyx to learn more! I’m getting out of this castle as soon as possible.
~~~~~
Rewjeo gathered up his things and left his room. It was late and all the torches were unlit. It made it hard to see, but also hard to be seen. He moved down the halls as quietly and quickly as he could. There were a few stops he had to make on his way out, and he couldn’t get spotted at any of them.
Rewjeo found an indent in the wall. On one side of this indent, there were slight impressions in the wall. Using these as a ladder, he climbed up into the ceiling. There was a torch lying there. He grabbed the torch and lit it using the flint and steel he had stolen from the guard on his first venture out of the castle.
He spent what felt like an eternity walking down the passage. In most places, it went so long without a bend or a crack in the wall that allowed moonlight in that there was pitch black beyond the flickering light of the torch. Rewjeo went through the course in his head. The wall on the right will become wood. Then the sixth panel will be removable. Head through there and down the ladder into another passage and continue down that. The wall, still on the right, will be wooden. There will be two planks that are removable, as well. Take those off. Then there should be a tapestry, and from there-
Rewjeo had reached the part where the stone wall changed to a wooden wall, but the panel was already taken off. Someone else had been using the passages! This was one Rewjeo hardly knew, though. It wasn’t well known, even as far as secret passages go.
But he couldn’t dwell on that. He was sneaking into Kertankuse’s room. That was more important- and more dangerous- right now. He slipped through the opening and headed down the ladder. The planks here had been put back. Well, at least that probably meant that Kertankuse didn’t know about the passage. Unless he had been the one to find this and put the planks back. Well, he was already here, and he wanted those papers. If Kertankuse knew about the passages, Rewjeo’s plans were ruined anyways.
~~~~~
Rewjeo slunk back into the passage entrance, hidden behind the tapestry. He pushed the boards back into place, and turned to grab the torch.
“Want this?” It was Smyx, holding the torch.
“Smyx?!” Rewjeo asked, shocked. “Wh-b-bb-but how? What are you doing..?”
“Oh, I know about these. All of them. At least, I think all of them. You know, you aren’t as trusting as I’d hoped,” Smyx said, walking down the passage.
Rewjeo trotted after. “Wait, wait. What? Who are you?”
Smyx sighed.
“Who are you?”
Smyx sighed again, louder this time. “I don’t have much of a choice now, do I? Well, here’s what I’ll tell you,” he said, stopping and turning to face Rewjeo. “I am not one of Kertankuse’s soldiers. I was here before they came. After you left for Ilyarium, but I was here before the Guldarans came. I was the last one to use this passage, you know. I may have been the last person, other than Kertankuse, to see Lord Jyron alive. I left the panel off, didn’t I? Anyways, once the Guldarans took over, I snuck my way into the armor stores and grabbed some of their spare equipment. Since then I’ve been using that as my cover.”
“Why?” Rewjeo asked.
“Hm?”
“Why would you do that? You’ve hardly answered my question. Sure, it’s more than ‘oh I’m naturally curious,’ but that doesn’t mean much. So who were you before then? What is it that is making you do what you’re doing? And how do you know so much about me, anyways?”
“I… don’t feel like telling you.” Smyx said, starting to walk away.
Rewjeo didn’t move. “Then why should I trust you?”
Smyx turned, so that he was still walking towards the ladder, but backwards, and said, “Because look where not trusting me got you. You’re sneaking through the castle on your way out, Rewjeo. If you had trusted me, you’d still be Chigau from Ilyarium.” He turned again and started climbing up the ladder. “So, where to next?” he asked on his way up.
Rewjeo ran up to the ladder and started climbing. “I want to get more swords and armor.”
~~~~~



AAHHH SO MUCH ITALICS. Not dealing with that. Sorry.
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#22 Bobryk

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Posted 12 August 2011 - 03:04 AM

You were right about this Smyx dude becoming a major player. I'd say aside from Rewjeo, he's got the most backstory and, imo, is the most interesting character yet. He's also got a pretty good and defined persona, even though he was just introduced. I don't think some of your characters have that yet, which is probably because, aside from Rewjeo, Smyx, Eirk and KurtanlawlIforgetspelling, they haven't gotten a lot of on-screen time yet.

I hope to see more characterization of the other guys in the future (Seloh and Fyrro's gang especially), but so far things seem to be meshing together.

This also gave me a chuckle: “Wh-b-bb-but". HEY REWJEO, T-T-T-TODAY JUNIOR

I liked this dialogue scene a lot more than the others. I'd use this one as a "guide" of sorts if you plan to revamp past conversations.

So yeah, this is probably my favorite part so far. Keep it up!
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#23 Rujio

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Posted 12 August 2011 - 03:13 AM

QUOTE (Bobryk @ Aug 11 2011, 08:04 PM)
You were right about this Smyx dude becoming a major player. I'd say aside from Rewjeo, he's got the most backstory

That's what you'd think. But I don't know yet. But he is fixing some problems I was having. It would be nice if I just knew who he was...

QUOTE
and, imo, is the most interesting character yet. He's also got a pretty good and defined persona, even though he was just introduced. I don't think some of your characters have that yet, which is probably because, aside from Rewjeo, Smyx, Eirk and KurtanlawlIforgetspelling, they haven't gotten a lot of on-screen time yet.
Yeah, I'm working on getting them some now. Literally the last quarter (other than what I'm writing right now) of the story is following just Rewjeo, with some Smyx in there.
QUOTE

I hope to see more characterization of the other guys in the future (Seloh and Fyrro's gang especially), but so far things seem to be meshing together.

Working on that now. For whatever reason, even though back when I made this story Fyrro and Slize were very important, I'm liking writing for Seloh and Lemina.

QUOTE

I liked this dialogue scene a lot more than the others. I'd use this one as a "guide" of sorts if you plan to revamp past conversations.

So yeah, this is probably my favorite part so far. Keep it up!

It helps that both of the characters have more defined personalities, I think. But I also do feel that I'm getting much better.

Thanks!
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#24 Rujio

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Posted 12 August 2011 - 01:02 PM

All right, rest of chapter 6! And I sort of have no choice but to use italics in this one...

Rewjeo and Smyx arrived at the secret exit to the castle. Smyx dropped the food, arms and armor he was carrying and started to head back into the castle.
“Uh, Smyx? How am I supposed to carry all this?”
“Take trips!” Smyx called back as he ran farther in.
“There are guards! It’ll be hard enough to get past just going away, let alone coming back and then leaving again!” Rewjeo called back. But Smyx was either too far away to hear or just didn’t want to answer. Rewjeo sighed. Well, only the food will be helpful right now, anyways, he thought. So he grabbed a sword for himself, the food, and went off into the forest. Now I have to find them in the forest at night. Great.
~~~~~
Seloh had spent the hours of the day sitting on the rock, not speaking or eating. Now it was night time. He had spent some hours watching the stars, too. But now he needed to get up and move. He had grabbed an apple and a flask of water and set out on a walk through the forest. He spent a lot of time thinking as he walked. Occasionally he would stop and rest against a tree and listen to the sounds of the forest at night. It had been a long time since he’d done that. Since before Fyrro and Flygnyr joined the military. Maybe he could go back to then. Maybe, if he just thought hard enough…
Seloh laughed as he ran ahead of the others. He had never left at night before! But he was ten now. He was old enough. And he wasn’t gonna follow people, either. He was gonna go out first.
“Hey! Wait up guys!” he heard from behind. “Wait up!” came the call again. He stopped and turned to see Lemina coming into the forest behind them.
“Go home, Lemina!” Fyrro shouted down at his sister. “Come on! Let’s go!” he said to Seloh as he passed him.
“Guuys!” she called up again. “Wait for me! Hey! Wait up guys! Wait up!”

“Wait up!” Seloh opened his eyes. “Seloh! Wait up!”
He turned to see Lemina running up the path behind him. “Seloh!”
“Lemina? What are you doing out here?”
“I was gonna ask you the same thing! I woke up, and, lo and behold, you weren’t there!”
“Yes, but I’m…“
She put her hands on her hips as she shifter weight onto one leg. “We’re both soldiers, you know. And,” she said, “I’m probably the better one.” He started to talk again, but she cut him off. She started walking around, talking without looking at him. “We’re fugitives now. If you’re caught, it’s all over! Maybe for all of us! Maybe for Gassad!” She turned to him and said “You don’t want that, do you?” before continuing to walk around. “Besides, it’s nighttime out in the wilderness! Who knows what besides Kertankuse’s minions- worse than Kertankuse’s minions!- could find you here?”
Seloh walked over to her and put his hand on her shoulder. “Well, I’m so glad I have a big strong girl like you to protect me.” She sighed. “Listen, I’ll be alright! Go back to bed.”
“Seloh!” she protested.
“Go home, Lemina! Come on! Let’s go!”
“Guuys! Wait for me!”

“Seloh? Seloh!”
“Huh? Oh, sorry, just… getting lost in the memories,” he said, sitting down.
“Should we? I mean, she’s your sister…” Seloh said.
“Exactly! Why should she have to hang around with us?”
“She gets along alright with-“ Seloh was cut off.
“Ugh, just leave it to Rewjeo,” Fyrro complained.

“Hello? Seloh?”
“Uh?”
“Mind getting just a little bit less lost in those memories?”
“Yeah, sorry,” he said, standing up. “So, what do you plan on doing now that you’ve found me?”
“Seloh, not everyone plans everything they do in advance. Maybe I just didn’t get farther than ‘Gee, I wonder what Seloh’s doing at this time of night.’”
Seloh looked down. Rewjeo was heading down to Lemina. He said something to her. Seloh couldn’t tell what.
“Wait up guys!” she called again, more exasperated than before.
“Yeah, guys!” Rewjeo called. “Wait for us! Wait up!”

“Wait up! Guys! Wait up!”
Seloh turned to see Rewjeo coming up the path behind him. “Seloh!”
“Rewjeo?”
“Yeah, of-“ Rewjeo tripped over a root and dropped the food he had been carrying. Seloh ran down to help.
“What are you doing out here Rewjeo? Are we ready to break them out?”
“Well, not exactly…” Rewjeo said, picking the food up.
“Meaning?”
~~~~~
“Well why didn’t you just turn around and put that stuff back once you decided you can trust Smyx?”
“I still don’t know if I can! What if he’s just pushing harder for my trust and he is working for Kertankuse? I’m more convinced now, but who knows what I’ll learn next!”
“So instead you’re guaranteeing that Kertankuse learns that you were lying?”
Rewjeo sighed. “It’s sort of a lose lose situation here. At least this way I know what’s happening.”
Lemina followed behind them, trying to hear what they were saying. Sometimes what they talked about could be so boring, but this seemed like it was important. If only they would talk about something other than what had happened. She walked up right between them from behind, separating them. She wrapped her arms around their shoulders and said, “Come on, guys! Rewjeo did what he did, and you can’t do much about it. Now we have more food and there’s gotta be something useful in that stack of papers!” she said, poking at it. “Now let’s go! I’m tired.”
“No one asked you to come out here, Lemina,” Seloh said.
“Well, I- but- er- ugh.
“Come on, darling,” Rewjeo said. They clasped hands and she did a spin. “Go on back to camp. Let the others know about what happened.”
She curtsied, not nearly so awkwardly now that she was out of her armor. “Of course, sir. Thank you.” She trotted off down the path.
Seloh turned to Rewjeo. “So, uh, what is that? Where did it come from?”
“Hm? What?”
That. I mean, did I miss something between you? Were you two ever, you know?”
“Oh, no. That’s from a long time ago actually. I’ll explain that to you, but some other time. There are more pressing matters at hand.”
“Come on, Rewjeo! Why do you always have to be so nice?” Fyrro called down.
Flygnyr chipped in. “Yeah, especially to her.”
“Come on, Fyrro,” Rewjeo called up, “she’s your sister!”
Seloh started heading down to join Rewjeo.
“Everyone keeps saying that! What does that have to do with anything?”
“Well, she’s your sister. Family. You-“ Rewjeo slipped and Lemina caught him by the arm and helped him up. The two of them started giggling. “How ironic!” Rewjeo said. Lemina pretended to understand.
“Hey! Guys! What’s so funny? What’s ironic?” Seloh asked as he got down there.
“Oh, nothing,” Rewjeo said as he walked past Seloh.
“Guuys!” Seloh shouted. “Wait up!” he called as he started following Rewjeo and Lemina up.


?????????
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There, katakana. Happy?
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Bobryk -- holy crap I look away for two seconds and I have knots all up in my shit

#25 Rujio

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Posted 12 August 2011 - 01:19 PM

SORRY FOR THE TRIPLE POST (whatever, I've done a quadridecapost or something like that)

I started a blog for this. It preserves my formatting, so that's another bonus. I'll link to it here and in the first post and then just post here whenever it's updated.

http://rewjeo-astory...e.blogspot.com/
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#26 Bobryk

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Posted 13 August 2011 - 04:08 AM

Rewjeo and Lemina. Giggity

Anyway, sweet idea with the blog. Not only does it preserve your format (and makes it easier to read) but it's also a secondary place to store your stuff just in case your computer explodes. Personally, I upload all my stuff to file hosting sites (with privacy settings) just in case of such events (hey, I got to college. You never know when beer is going to be thrown at your laptop).

But, uh, right. About the story!

Ah, reunited. Good to see Seloh and his gang back into the mix. And with Rewjeo meeting up with them, it causes you to do less perspective-switching, which is always nice.

To give some advice on perspective switching, actually, try not to do it too often. Back in the day I read some Artemis Fowl, and the author (can't remember name) did it to some ridiculous extents (multiple times in one chapter...) and it made some of the book hard to follow.

I actually have that problem-- I like perspective switching. Yours isn't bad, but just try to watch out for doing it too often. That was one of the main critiques when I started out, so I toned it done massively. You'll find a good mix and people will tell you if you do it too much, so don't worry about it for now.

(No, you don't do it too much.)

Other than that, keep it up! It'll be interesting to see what happens when Rewjeo and Seloh combine forces.


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#27 Rujio

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Posted 13 August 2011 - 04:13 AM

I have no clue what will happen with those two. At all. Maybe less than what Smyx will do.

Blog=Win

Given that the last quarter of my story (until we see Seloh again) just follows Rewjeo, I see how perspective switching isn't a problem.

Given that you linked me to that UBER EPIC MUSIC I'm thinking something actiony.
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#28 SmashedFish

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Posted 13 August 2011 - 05:20 AM

Thus far, ignoring a decent amount of gramatrically odd phrases and methods of wording things, this is a pretty good tale of inflirtation and deceit. I eagerly await future installments, as well as licence to produce the troll version. :3

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#29 Rujio

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Posted 13 August 2011 - 05:26 AM

QUOTE (SmashedFish @ Aug 12 2011, 10:20 PM)
Thus far, ignoring a decent amount of gramatrically odd phrases and methods of wording things

Such as? Outside of dialogue and some fragments for emphasis, everything should be grammatically correct.
QUOTE

, this is a pretty good tale of inflirtation and deceit. I eagerly await future installments, as well as licence to produce the troll version. :3

WHAT THE SMYX

I'm glad you like it.
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#30 SmashedFish

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Posted 13 August 2011 - 05:49 AM

Idunno, a good few things seem unfamiliar to my potentially untrained eye. For example, in Chapter 6, Smyx's minitextwall, especially in "You know, you … past year," seems a bir weird (Come back around? Was he suposed to have anything besides himself from the time he was gone?). This may just be me unfamilliar with your style, though.

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#31 Rujio

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Posted 14 August 2011 - 04:10 AM

http://rewjeo-astory.../chapter-7.html

Chapter 7 gogogo!
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#32 SmashedFish

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Posted 14 August 2011 - 01:38 PM

That doorblocking method seems familiar biggrin.gif

Bet Smyx is gonna be pissed about getting KO'd though.

All in all, nice chapter. The fight scenes in particular were very well written.

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#33 Rujio

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Posted 14 August 2011 - 03:37 PM

Yeah, thanks for that one.

We'll see. I have no idea what will happen with him. Or really anything, other than that the basics of how the book will end.

Thank you. I'm glad the fighting parts were good. That'll be necessary later on when there will be more combat.
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#34 Rujio

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Posted 16 August 2011 - 02:55 AM

Presenting... Chapter 8! http://rewjeo-astory.../chapter-8.html
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#35 SmashedFish

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Posted 16 August 2011 - 04:34 PM

GUUUUUUUUUUUYS

I do love how you throw flashbacks in the story every here and there. It's a nice change of setting from a hectic castle raid, and it's cool to see how the characters were as children. The difference of narrators each time is also pretty cool. I do, however, have one small problem with this latest chapter:

QUOTE
Lemina ran up through the brush with Lemina and Rewjeo.

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#36 Rujio

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Posted 16 August 2011 - 05:01 PM

She cloned herself as a child, obviously.

Fixed that. Thanks.
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#37 Bobryk

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Posted 16 August 2011 - 05:40 PM

Alrighty, got through chapters 7 and 8. And woot, some action! Flashbacks, too! Damn, Lemina's forward. She really wants in Rewjeo's pants

Though I have to ask: how old were they in the flashback? Because a, let's say, 10 year old kid, saying "What the hell" would be a bit off. Unless Rewjeo's a potty mouth, that is! However we all know of Ike's 30 year old man voice at age 8 so anything is possible

Anyway, some oddities:

This one's from Ch 7.
QUOTE

There wasn’t any way for them to feasibly move two hundred suits of armor and sets of arms in the few hours left, so they had decided to block the door so that it could not open and set it up so that Rewjeo, most knowledgeable of the passages and worst at fighting, could lead the soldiers to the room and back out of the castle without worry of anyone coming in.


I believe this is a run-on? If it isn't, too many "so's." Makes it a bit difficult to read. Maybe something like this would work?
QUOTE

There wasn’t any way for them to feasibly move two hundred suits of armor and sets of arms in the few hours left, so they had decided to block the door so that it could not open. It would be set up in a way that Rewjeo, the worst fighter, yet most knowledgeable of the passages, could lead the soldiers out of the room without worry of anybody coming in.


(I just threw that correction together...it's not amazing by any means. Just a way to fix the sentence a bit.)

Now, ch. 8:
QUOTE

She grabbed him by the waste


GROSSSSSS

I think you mean waist tongue.gif

Also, I'm honored to have made it into your sig. Though out of context it's probably the most disturbing thing ever XD
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#38 Rujio

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Posted 16 August 2011 - 07:32 PM

[quote=Bobryk,Aug 16 2011, 10:40 AM] Alrighty, got through chapters 7 and 8. And woot, some action! Flashbacks, too! Damn, Lemina's forward. She really wants in Rewjeo's pants [/quote]
Hrm? Where? (Don't you love how well I don't know my own characters?)

[QUOTE]
Though I have to ask: how old were they in the flashback? Because a, let's say, 10 year old kid, saying "What the hell" would be a bit off. Unless Rewjeo's a potty mouth, that is! However we all know of Ike's 30 year old man voice at age 8 so anything is possible[/QUOTE]
Seloh's ten (remember chapter 6?) barely, making Rewjeo and Lemina right around their tenth birthdays, too, and Fyrro and Flygnyr twelve. Also, Fyrro said that, not Rewjeo. And that's why Lemina got so upset. Because he used the word hell.

Anyway, some oddities:

This one's from Ch 7.
[QUOTE]
There wasn’t any way for them to feasibly move two hundred suits of armor and sets of arms in the few hours left, so they had decided to block the door so that it could not open and set it up so that Rewjeo, most knowledgeable of the passages and worst at fighting, could lead the soldiers to the room and back out of the castle without worry of anyone coming in.
[/QUOTE]

I believe this is a run-on? If it isn't, too many "so's." Makes it a bit difficult to read. Maybe something like this would work?
[QUOTE]
There wasn’t any way for them to feasibly move two hundred suits of armor and sets of arms in the few hours left, so they had decided to block the door so that it could not open. It would be set up in a way that Rewjeo, the worst fighter, yet most knowledgeable of the passages, could lead the soldiers out of the room without worry of anybody coming in.
[/QUOTE]

(I just threw that correction together...it's not amazing by any means. Just a way to fix the sentence a bit.)
[/QUOTE]
Bobryk, always there to point out the strange things that come out of my 2 am mind! Anyways, if it IS a run on, then that's fixable via a single comma (before an and) but it certainly feels lengthy. I'll fix that.
[QUOTE]Now, ch. 8:
[QUOTE]
She grabbed him by the waste[/QUOTE]

GROSSSSSS

I think you mean waist tongue.gif

Also, I'm honored to have made it into your sig. Though out of context it's probably the most disturbing thing ever XD[/QUOTE]
But I accidentally put waste the first time and changed it to waist. Maybe I got the two mixed up... I'm trying to figure out how anything in that situation could make any sense, even just physically, let alone the people's reactions. Although I guess that would explain the "What the hell, Lemina?!" I might say that if someone made me poop, then they grabbed the poop, and then my pants flew off, too.

lulz, sorta is.
?????????
???????
There, katakana. Happy?
QUOTE
Bobryk -- holy crap I look away for two seconds and I have knots all up in my shit

#39 Bobryk

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Posted 16 August 2011 - 07:51 PM

AH CRAP. I messed that up good then. I thought Lemina grabbed Rewjeo's pants! I missed this line:

QUOTE

There was Fyrro, laying on the ground.


So that's probably why I thought that >.> which is also why I said that Lemina's pretty forward and wants in Rewjeo's pants so bad tongue.gif

And, well, you'd use waist in that scenario, and it would make sense physically if Lemina is short, I think. Either way, that didn't throw me off or anything so I wouldn't worry about it.
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#40 Ramiel

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Posted 18 August 2011 - 02:02 AM

[QUOTE=Rujio,Aug 16 2011, 03:32 PM][quote=Bobryk,Aug 16 2011, 10:40 AM] Alrighty, got through chapters 7 and 8. And woot, some action! Flashbacks, too! Damn, Lemina's forward. She really wants in Rewjeo's pants [/QUOTE]
Hrm? Where? (Don't you love how well I don't know my own characters?)

[QUOTE]
Though I have to ask: how old were they in the flashback? Because a, let's say, 10 year old kid, saying "What the hell" would be a bit off. Unless Rewjeo's a potty mouth, that is! However we all know of Ike's 30 year old man voice at age 8 so anything is possible
Seloh's ten (remember chapter 6?) barely, making Rewjeo and Lemina right around their tenth birthdays, too, and Fyrro and Flygnyr twelve. Also, Fyrro said that, not Rewjeo. And that's why Lemina got so upset. Because he used the word hell.
[/QUOTE]
Anyway, some oddities:

This one's from Ch 7.
[QUOTE]
There wasn’t any way for them to feasibly move two hundred suits of armor and sets of arms in the few hours left, so they had decided to block the door so that it could not open and set it up so that Rewjeo, most knowledgeable of the passages and worst at fighting, could lead the soldiers to the room and back out of the castle without worry of anyone coming in.
[/QUOTE]

I believe this is a run-on? If it isn't, too many "so's." Makes it a bit difficult to read. Maybe something like this would work?
[QUOTE]
There wasn’t any way for them to feasibly move two hundred suits of armor and sets of arms in the few hours left, so they had decided to block the door so that it could not open. It would be set up in a way that Rewjeo, the worst fighter, yet most knowledgeable of the passages, could lead the soldiers out of the room without worry of anybody coming in.
[/QUOTE]

(I just threw that correction together...it's not amazing by any means. Just a way to fix the sentence a bit.)
[/QUOTE]
Bobryk, always there to point out the strange things that come out of my 2 am mind! Anyways, if it IS a run on, then that's fixable via a single comma (before an and) but it certainly feels lengthy. I'll fix that.
Now, ch. 8:
[QUOTE]
She grabbed him by the waste[/QUOTE]

GROSSSSSS

I think you mean waist tongue.gif

Also, I'm honored to have made it into your sig. Though out of context it's probably the most disturbing thing ever XD[/QUOTE]
But I accidentally put waste the first time and changed it to waist. Maybe I got the two mixed up... I'm trying to figure out how anything in that situation could make any sense, even just physically, let alone the people's reactions. Although I guess that would explain the "What the hell, Lemina?!" I might say that if someone made me poop, then they grabbed the poop, and then my pants flew off, too.

lulz, sorta is.[/QUOTE]





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