Edit: sorry about the structure of all this. it's not really organized in any particular way, so if something doesn't make sense let me know.
probably doesn't belong in the nonsense zone, but i'm gonna put it here anyway. this is copypasta from FEEF, but the only help i got there was something i'm already doing(and frankly it doesn't help one bit). it's 2 weeks old so disregard the part about me needing to go back to work, i am in fact at home right now. i think i may have mentioned part of this awhile back now that i think about it, but i need somewhere to collect all of my thoughts at once. please keep in mind i'm not looking for pity, sympathy, empathy, w/e. that's not what i want. what i want is for someone to try to get inside my head and give me some solid advice on how to handle it. i'm not expecting a miracle fix or anything like that, just to alleviate some of the bs i'm dealing with. just read over this again, and i'm gonna warn you. there's a rant before i even get to the rant i'm talking about. i just really needed to get everything out of my head at one time so i can look at it and know for sure that i'm not getting mixed up anywhere, or forgetting something i wanted to say but never did. i'm not really sure if any of this makes sense at all tbh, but if anyone is willing to read through it and try to help i would be seriously grateful.
foreword for context: i have some really bad social anxiety. like not your average i don't like talking to strangers,speaking in public, job interviews social anxiety, but interferes with my daily life kind of social anxiety. when i was a little kid everyone just assumed i was shy, so i went with that. but back in middle school my guidance counselor suggested i see someone about it, and my parents thought it was a great idea. that guy diagnosed me with social anxiety, but said it wasn't bad enough to worry about. by the time i hit highschool i had occasional emotional breakdowns which i won't go into detail on because i describe it later, and frankly it's embarrasing. still not a big deal because of a few reasons. i had several outlets for stress, so i was basically cool. fast forward 2 years to the end of my sophmore year, and my parents decide we're going to move to texas of all places(why the fuck would anyone willingly move to texas?). now living in texas is a problem for me for many many reasons not associated with the issue i'm discussing here, so i won't go too far into it. basically the south is the worst place possible for me to live. Anyway I'm now in texas with no friends to speak of(and really i only had 4 to begin with so each one of them was a huge loss as far as i'm concerned. i consider those guys family. not to mention my actual brother who stayed in maryland), and my social anxiety gets completely out of control to the point where i can't even attend a public school because i'm making myself sick to get out of it. not even joking. i somehow managed to get a fever, and was stuck in bed for a week because i didn't want to go to a school. jump ahead two more years and i graduate(not really important how it happened. i couldn't care less about high school anyway), and i have to start working which is another nightmare entirely. i spend nearly 6 months filling out applications, calling people to set up interviews(i set up a few interviews which were all cancelled on me because they hired someone else for the position without even bothering to talk to me), and getting absolutely nowhere. around this time i brought up my anger about being in texas, and how nothing good has come of it at all to the guys over at FEEF, and one person in particular suggested that i have myself checked out for depression. sure enough, the doc said that's what it was.another 2 months pass(8 months with out of school with no work, and doing nothing but staying at home trying to talk to people 900>miles away because i need to get away from my family).i finally find a job...at fucking burger king. i'm ok with it though because it's only a temp job since i'll be going home in like 4 months. can't even tell you how excited i was about that. working at BK is extremely stressful because of the...he's kind of a district manager, but his official title is director of operations. basically he's in charge of like 5 stores, but isn't the owner. he just works directly under the owner. anyway this guy is a control freak to an extreme degree. i've never met anyone like the man, and i sincerely hope i won't have to ever again once i'm done being in contact with him. i could make a thread just to rant about him tbh, but i won't since it would just be ranting with no point. could be funny though in an ironic way. Ok so fast forward another ~8 months to 2 weeks ago, and i'm still stuck in texas because of some really shitty stuff that happened. and this is what i posted over at FEEF
I did some serious thinking this morning since I woke up 2 hours early(so 1:30am). and this may be the depression talking,but I realized that not one good thing has come out of moving to Texas. All of the good things that have happened to me since being dragged down here would have happened anyway. And the worst part is that every time I've brought this up to my parents they try to guilt trip me. It's bullshit really. I mean it's difficult for me to talk to my family at all(as far as serious conversations go), and every time I've mentioned wanting to go back home they just say "no you're wrong we never forced you to come(lol as if I had a choice at 15). You need to stay until you've finished college(so 2-4 more years of depression is a need then?)." and most recently the guilt tripping which really doesn't help with my being emotionally unstable to begin with. I know I've ranted about this before, but it's really the only thing causing problems for me. The thing is that it is making so much trouble for me on a daily basis. I can't even think about having to go to work without feeling sick. And my dad always forces me to help with grocery shopping which on some days literally terrifies me. There are so many people there. I don't know if any of you have bad social anxiety, but in my case I get so paranoid on bad days that I honestly feel like attacking everyone that walks near me because I'm afraid they're about to do the same to me. It's not OK at all. I'm actually in tears right now typing this because...actually i have no idea why. That sucks too. Happens all the time. I just break down about once a month and can't even function for good 5 minutes. /rant gotta get back to work.
well that was a lot. fortunately i was able to type all this, read through it a few times without getting all messed up. must be too tired to think about emotions XD. if anyone was able to make it through all of that i'm very sorry to take up your time like that, but i really do appreciate it.
Edit: i just realized this is probably the most i've written on any forum about anything. i've written papers for school that weren't that long =P