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zak needs advice


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#1 ^Leo^

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Posted 26 July 2016 - 01:00 AM

Edit: sorry about the structure of all this. it's not really organized in any particular way, so if something doesn't make sense let me know.

 

probably doesn't belong in the nonsense zone, but i'm gonna put it here anyway. this is copypasta from FEEF, but the only help i got there was something i'm already doing(and frankly it doesn't help one bit). it's 2 weeks old so disregard the part about me needing to go back to work, i am in fact at home right now. i think i may have mentioned part of this awhile back now that i think about it, but i need somewhere to collect all of my thoughts at once. please keep in mind i'm not looking for pity, sympathy, empathy, w/e. that's not what i want. what i want is for someone to try to get inside my head and give me some solid advice on how to handle it. i'm not expecting a miracle fix or anything like that, just to alleviate some of the bs i'm dealing with. just read over this again, and i'm gonna warn you. there's a rant before i even get to the rant i'm talking about. i just really needed to get everything out of my head at one time so i can look at it and know for sure that i'm not getting mixed up anywhere, or forgetting something i wanted to say but never did. i'm not really sure if any of this makes sense at all tbh, but if anyone is willing to read through it and try to help i would be seriously grateful. 

 

foreword for context: i have some really bad social anxiety. like not your average i don't like talking to strangers,speaking in public, job interviews social anxiety, but interferes with my daily life kind of social anxiety. when i was a little kid everyone just assumed i was shy, so i went with that. but back in middle school my guidance counselor suggested i see someone about it, and my parents thought it was a great idea. that guy diagnosed me with social anxiety, but said it wasn't bad enough to worry about. by the time i hit highschool i had occasional emotional breakdowns which i won't go into detail on because i describe it later, and frankly it's embarrasing. still not a big deal because of a few reasons. i had several outlets for stress, so i was basically cool. fast forward 2 years to the end of my sophmore year, and my parents decide we're going to move to texas of all places(why the fuck would anyone willingly move to texas?). now living in texas is a problem for me for many many reasons not associated with the issue i'm discussing here, so i won't go too far into it. basically the south is the worst place possible for me to live. Anyway I'm now in texas with no friends to speak of(and really i only had 4 to begin with so each one of them was a huge loss as far as i'm concerned. i consider those guys family. not to mention my actual brother who stayed in maryland), and my social anxiety gets completely out of control to the point where i can't even attend a public school because i'm making myself sick to get out of it. not even joking. i somehow managed to get a fever, and was stuck in bed for a week because i didn't want to go to a school. jump ahead two more years and i graduate(not really important how it happened. i couldn't care less about high school anyway), and i have to start working which is another nightmare entirely. i spend nearly 6 months filling out applications, calling people to set up interviews(i set up a few interviews which were all cancelled on me because they hired someone else for the position without even bothering to talk to me), and getting absolutely nowhere. around this time i brought up my anger about being in texas, and how nothing good has come of it at all to the guys over at FEEF, and one person in particular suggested that i have myself checked out for depression. sure enough, the doc said that's what it was.another 2 months pass(8 months with out of school with no work, and doing nothing but staying at home trying to talk to people 900>miles away because i need to get away from my family).i finally find a job...at fucking burger king. i'm ok with it though because it's only a temp job since i'll be going home in like 4 months. can't even tell you how excited i was about that. working at BK is extremely stressful because of the...he's kind of a district manager, but his official title is director of operations. basically he's in charge of like 5 stores, but isn't the owner. he just works directly under the owner. anyway this guy is a control freak to an extreme degree. i've never met anyone like the man, and i sincerely hope i won't have to ever again once i'm done being in contact with him. i could make a thread just to rant about him tbh, but i won't since it would just be ranting with no point. could be funny though in an ironic way. Ok so fast forward another ~8 months to 2 weeks ago, and i'm still stuck in texas because of some really shitty stuff that happened. and this is what i posted over at FEEF

 

I did some serious thinking this morning since I woke up 2 hours early(so 1:30am). and this may be the depression talking,but I realized that not one good thing has come out of moving to Texas. All of the good things that have happened to me since being dragged down here would have happened anyway. And the worst part is that every time I've brought this up to my parents they try to guilt trip me. It's bullshit really. I mean it's difficult for me to talk to my family at all(as far as serious conversations go), and every time I've mentioned wanting to go back home they just say "no you're wrong we never forced you to come(lol as if I had a choice at 15). You need to stay until you've finished college(so 2-4 more years of depression is a need then?)." and most recently the guilt tripping which really doesn't help with my being emotionally unstable to begin with. I know I've ranted about this before, but it's really the only thing causing problems for me. The thing is that it is making so much trouble for me on a daily basis. I can't even think about having to go to work without feeling sick. And my dad always forces me to help with grocery shopping which on some days literally terrifies me. There are so many people there. I don't know if any of you have bad social anxiety, but in my case I get so paranoid on bad days that I honestly feel like attacking everyone that walks near me because I'm afraid they're about to do the same to me. It's not OK at all. I'm actually in tears right now typing this because...actually i have no idea why. That sucks too. Happens all the time. I just break down about once a month and can't even function for good 5 minutes. /rant gotta get back to work. 

 

well that was a lot. fortunately i was able to type all this, read through it a few times without getting all messed up. must be too tired to think about emotions XD. if anyone was able to make it through all of that i'm very sorry to take up your time like that, but i really do appreciate it. 

 

Edit: i just realized this is probably the most i've written on any forum about anything. i've written papers for school that weren't that long =P



#2 acceptance

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Posted 26 July 2016 - 03:05 AM

Social anxiety man. Shit sucks, I remember in high school if anyone even looked in my general direction I assumed they were makin fun of me. Every time I heard someone laugh about anything in my vicinity, I automatically felt flushed and shit. Couldn't talk to anyone about it because I thought they were gonna judge me. Therapists, counselors, it was always the same shit man. Lost a lot of good friends because of the bullshit man, it was rough man. Shit man that's a big reason I was such a dick on FES back in 2012, I was so damn sensitive and the smallest disagreement would end in an argument.

As far as advice goes.. I feel like this stuff is different for everyone. Religion and time played a big part in me pushin through the shit (not completely free of it, mind you). Stay away from drugs though man, such a fuckin waste of money and time.

Sorry about me bein bad with words and whatnot, but I can relate to this pretty strongly so I felt like I needed to give my input. Hope you get better ASAP.
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#3 Mercurius

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Posted 26 July 2016 - 04:10 AM

Well, I can say I was right about how your social anxiety sounded incredibly crippling.

 

I don't personally know of depression in that form (if it's even the same thing anyway) and it's not like I've ever been cured either, so I don't have a solution to offer, especially since your social anxiety itself would make it difficult to actually seek for help from significant others. What I can say is that sometimes you really do just want to be left alone, and that talking to your parents probably won't have much good coming out of it (at least relative to the shit you might have to put up with.) It's not worth trying to reach out to people you know don't really care enough to listen.

 

The only thing I can say about the need to attack someone before they get you is that that fear of mine was replaced with (probably overestimated) confidence in terms of physical fights as a result of using violence to deal with assholes back when I was in school. I still have a similar fear these days, but that's one everyone has (whether they're aware of it or not), that being fear of those who are willing to damage your reputation.

 

One thing I can suggest is to just go on to watch a bunch of brainless shows where nothing really important seems to actually happen. Essentially, to forget about reality for a while. Don't bother with those thoughts about feeling useless and wasting away your life, because eventually you'll realize that no one's actually really all that anyway. You can also try to earn money by aiming to build a popular YouTube channel or something instead of getting a job where you have to deal with a lot of people, considering there are some people who essentially live off of that in full time.


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#4 kirant

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Posted 26 July 2016 - 07:27 AM

Alright...so it's 12:30 AM...forgive me if I'm 100% incoherent at this point.  Also understand that I'm coming in from a blind point of view and know very little about the surrounding circumstances.  Finally, also know that I'm something of an optimist who expects my optimistic expectations to be hit fairly routinely...so what I say may be things which see it all in a really rosy light.  In another light, I guess you could say that I think the vast majority of people are not really bad people per say but are less logical than I expect them to be.

 

Re: Depression

 

This is minor amounts of experience with a friend and possibly a slight brush with it myself but my understanding of depression is less about seeing negatives and more about actually feeling nothing.  A state of self-pity which spirals and perpetuates itself.  Hyperbole and a half wrote an excellent piece long ago (with a follow up piece two years later) which really helped me grasp exactly what I was going through during an internship (namely, I feel whatever I had at the time was a sense of loneliness...I'm extremely introverted but going through the day saying less than 10 words on average through the whole day really screwed around with my state of mind).

 

So I guess where I'm going with this is that what you've likely reached as a conclusion isn't due to depression.

 

Re: Work

 

I would say don't worry about how you feel about work as much.  The public anxiety part?  I'd certainly take action on that side if possible.  But the fact that the job sounds terrible?  I think that might be part of the territory.  I've dealt with lots of different people in lots of different service industry professions and the conclusion I've had is almost always the same: people work in the customer service industry so they can can out of the customer service industry.

 

I'll give you my own example: I am in a summer position and a home health care store for the summer.  Wheelchairs, walkers, canes, that sort of stuff.  I don't think there is more than a day going by without me wanting to pull my hair out at frustrating customers/confusing orders from management (note to self: ask if computers and bar code scanners are actually working and standard operating procedures settled before starting next job)/general failure to staff enough employees.  If I didn't need the money for schooling purposes, I don't think I could ever be here. 

 

And I can only imagine fast food is worse. 

 

Re: Family

 

I wouldn't take it personally when they guilt trip you.  You have to understand that there's massive vested interest here.  As much as I think you might not feel it, your parents probably care about you.  They wanted to do what was best for the family unit and probably feel hurt when you tell them that they've screwed something up for you.  Their brains search for a possible deflection, even if it makes little sense.  To be fair, there is the theoretical possibility you actually DIDN'T need to go with them to Texas (ex - stay with relatives at home) but who knows if they were actually willing to accept that.

 

And I feel your family is there for you.  Your father's actions, at least from my interpretation, is his version of attempting to help you.  Grocery runs are fairly calm, fairly solitary activities.  You don't have to interact with anybody but the cashier...or anybody at all if you're going self checkout.  My interpretation from a computer screen away is that this is his form of helping you through it.  It seems like he wants to show you that the "outside world" isn't so scary and that in doing so he can provide assistance to helping you overcome your social anxiety.

 

That said, it sounds like it is doing jack all.

 

How to proceed (IMO, of course)

 

I really feel that the crux to all this is working with the social anxiety issues.  This is a personal bias speaking here but I've always felt that getting outside assistance through trained professionals will help (the bias being that this is what has worked on my brother...he was likely on the side of moderately autistic, not learning speech until the age of 3 or so.  He's completely typically developing these days).  Behaviour therapy exists and I think that might be the best route...private sessions where you learn techniques for regulating yourself and prevent the situation around you from overwhelming you.  We play the hands we're dealt and it sounds like your hand includes difficulties in crowds.  So I think with that in mind and the fact that it's difficult to live without being near crowds at least on occasion...the step forward is to mitigate the stress of being in a crowd.  Something probably best learned from professionals.

 

I'm a firm believer that things will probably fall into place once that happens.  I think you'll find yourself able to find that one meaningful bond.  I fully understand you on this side...I'm probably best described as only really hanging around 1-2 people in any social situation.  Whether it be school or work...I'll only really "bond" with one person.  And really, the difference between my internship days (see above) and this were pretty much just that.  And it's the difference for me between what I think is normal and whatever the hell I was 5 years ago.  The person who'd lay in bed from midnight to 2 AM in a mixed state of anger at myself, fear of the next day, and a melancholic relief that I'm releasing my emotions.  Probably on a bimonthly basis.

 

(As an aside...that honestly feels relieving for me to type down...I don't think I've ever admitted this anywhere before...ever)

 

That said, I think this means you need to have a frank conversation with your parents.  Ask them first and foremost why they do the things they do.  Confirm what I think they're doing with the groceries and, if that's correct, slowly explain that it simply doesn't work.  That you aren't getting anything good out of it.  Then I think will come the inevitable question of "what can we do to help?".  Maybe not worded nicely...in fact, possibly full of rage.  But the key here I think is to explain in a logical and understandable manner that the solution lies in a slower process.  Simply doing whatever they're doing to help you isn't good enough and there needs to be outside intervention.  Start with the basics...nobody dumps car parts on the floor and tells you to assemble it.  No...simply build up a toolbox first.  Ways to deal with the situation before dry running it in a grocery store.

 

Aside from that, I think (barring moving in with a roommate) you might be stuck in your situation until you can find a way to stably finance yourself on your own...something that's fairly difficult (and probably unwise given your lack of enjoyment of the profession) with your current occupation and salary.


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#5 Fire Blazer

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Posted 13 August 2016 - 05:32 PM

yo. do you still need help? how are you doing? I don't want to waste my time responding if you're doing fine now, and make you feel compelled to read my response. I do care, but I want to be practical, and it's pretty late now, so yeah. Just lmk how things are going~


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#6 ^Leo^

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Posted 13 August 2016 - 06:56 PM

lol i forgot that i posted this tbh. it's not like the problems are gone of course since that's not something that happens overnight, but i was probably just having a bad day/week whatever it was. i would read your response if you felt the need to say something, but honestly i'm fine 90% of the time =P



#7 Fire Blazer

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Posted 13 August 2016 - 09:14 PM

lol i forgot that i posted this tbh. it's not like the problems are gone of course since that's not something that happens overnight, but i was probably just having a bad day/week whatever it was. i would read your response if you felt the need to say something, but honestly i'm fine 90% of the time =P

 

Alright. Glad to hear you're ok. I'll always lend an ear or an eye or whatever if you need it, but I won't push it if it's not necessary.


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