75 replies to this topic

[Bobryk]

So it definitely kicks the crap out of your other prologue. Nice work!

The battle scenes were good, and Eirk is maniacal and quite interesting. Gore is fine by me, as well .

I have one piece of criticism: There are tons of different characters and perspective switching, it's tough to keep track of them all, especially with the names. And I don't know what any of these characters look like, either.

In the first ~800 words you introduced 6 characters, which isn't too bad, but I don't know anything about them or what they look like, which can be bad.

I can tell the scenes are supposed to be fast paced, so reserving a line/paragraph describing what a character looks like would take away from it, but here's a suggestion:

Original sentence: "He rolled out of bed and tore his sword and armor off the wall."

Revised to show description: "He rolled out of bed, flipped his long black hair out of his face, and tore his sword and armor off the wall."

(I have no idea if he has long black hair)

Something like that.

Overall, this is good. The characters just seem very shallow right now.

[Lancer]

New prologue is tons better

[Rujio]

See, the thing is, I don't really know what they look like. My mind's eye is not the most logical place. Lemina's hair color and length change by the scene, for instance. I have very rough ideas, but nothing even as detailed as long black hair.


The prologue is basically set up for the main story, so there wasn't too much character development, although Eirk got probably more than the entire 33000 I was at before. My main goal moving forward, though, is adding more depth to the non-Rewjeo/Smyx characters. I'm developing better pictures of them in my own head, and I really want that to show. Chapter 1 should be calmer than the prologue and offer some good ways to expand on the characters.

[Bobryk]

So long as you're working on it, then it's fine. Just try not to wait too long to describe characters (or put too much in one page).

You're coming along well though, so congrats

Also, I think your blog and mine have the same theme o.O

[AbsolutelyTotalSilence]

Looks like good progress so far.
NEEDS MOAR NINJAS

[Rujio]

There definitely some ninjas in this story. Just wait for it- or read the old draft.

I've been lazy and slow- I'm not meeting my goal at all. But here's chapter 1 (WHICH GUYS COMES AFTER THE PROLOGUE SO READ THAT FIRST): http://rewjeo-astory...lcome-home.html

Also, I think I updated the Prologue since last time, if anyone wants to read that again.

P.S. I planned out some stuff last night. This story is going to have some very tragic moments. Be warned.

[Bobryk]

Sweet, an update! I'll read this when I get some free time almost never nowadays

[Rujio]

This will probably get an update later. The big complaint I got while discussing it with a friend was the lack of tension in the cellars, so I'm going to try and fix that.

[Oblivion Knight]

The fancy text is a little bit hard to read, but I'll definately give it a read when I wasn't so tired.

[arimibn]

As I'm reading, I'm imagining Ike as the narrartor. XD

It seems good man! Keep it up!

Why do the cool guys always die?

[Rujio]

Cool guy dieing? (Click Here To Hide/Show Text)

You mean Klyszyr? Or Jyron? Or are you seeing into my mind and knowing what characters get killed off?

[arimibn]

I was referring to the King. Or maybe I am reading into your mind...

[Rujio]

I know it's just the prologue and all, but it probably wouldn't hurt to use spoiler tags in this topic at times

Anyways, Chapter 2!

[Bobryk]

HOKAY.

I remember the fancy text from the first edition! Anyway, on to the chapter itself: I think the way Rewjeo has an "audience" with General K Guy (I can never get his name right) is much better than the way he did it before. I chuckled a bit at R-dog's snarkness too.

As for the cellars-- I found a bit of that funny as well, especially with the enemy soldiers derping around on the spilled drinks. Also, if I may make an assumption: are your characters young? (younger than 20?) Their manners of speech make me think so.

Not a bad thing whatsoever-- just curious!

[Rujio]

I wanted his alias to be a character in and of himself. Now I can make him snarky when that wouldn't work with other characters so much. It only gets better (hopefully) from here, too. Glad you like it. lolr-dog

Yes, they are. I thought I said that somewhere in the first version, but maybe not. Anyways, I'm thinking Rewjeo/Seloh/Lemina would be 17-18 and Fyrro and Flygnyr would be two years older. I guess Slize would be Seloh's age, but I hadn't put much thought into that because his age hasn't been important to the story so far.

[Bobryk]

All righty, just read chapter 2!

Putting in a spoiler just in case (Click Here To Hide/Show Text)

It seems there's some tension going on between different ranks in the army. I'm interested in seeing how this plays out. Maybe it'll turn into something bigger?

Seems Rewjeo doesn't give a shit. He kinda says what he wants. Sweet. A couple of his lines made me lol. He's probably my favorite character thus far-- the others haven't had too much "personality time" anyways. I hope to get to know them more so I can follow their names better (it is quite a few faces to keep track of atm).

Overall, not bad. I like where it's headed.

Also: "two pens and two inkwells"
You mean quills, right? . Damn this medieval nonsense.