75 replies to this topic

[Rujio]

http://rewjeo-astory.../chapter-9.html

Chapter 9!

Edit: Hey, this doesn't have my revisions from when I reread it at not 2 AM when I had only gotten 4 hours of sleep the previous night... I'll fix that later.

[Bobryk]

Alrighty, finished. Lots of stuff seemed to happen, so let's see if I actually paid attention this time. But first

[Rujio]

Do quotes work now?

[Rujio]

Guess what I just realized? Lemina backwards is Animel. Anyways, I'm working. It's going slowly now, but I'm getting through it. WHERE ARE THOSE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS YOU PROMISED ME BOBRYK? I ONLY HAVE THREE NIGHTS LEFT BEFORE SCHOOL.

[Rujio]

So I never bothered to update this, but Chapter 10 is done. http://rewjeo-astory...chapter-10.html

[Rujio]

Chapter 11. READ AND COMMENT PLZ http://rewjeo-astory...chapter-11.html

I can link to the song if people want/I'm not feeling lazy.

[Rujio]

KAY CHAPTER 12 YOU GUYS ARE FALLING BEHIND READ GOSH DANGIT WHY DOES THE SCHOOL YEAR SCREW OVER STORY RELATED STUFF SO MUCH
http://rewjeo-astory...chapter-12.html

[SmashedFish]

Nice and caught up, now. I love how this story goes along, but what could the question possibly be?

[Rujio]

Oh, hey, so I'm on chapter 18 now.

Don't worry I haven't updated anywhere in forever. I haven't been just neglecting you guys. Now, I'd like to revise what I have so far, so feel free to give me harsh (but constructive) critique about everything so far!

Also, I was really confused seeing Ectobiologist there. I was like, "wait who are you?" Then I realized who it was and it makes more sense now.

[SmashedFish]

Haha, I'm thinking of changing it back, actually. Kinda weird, being me but not having the name I'm used to.

Np, I wouldn't mind going over old chapters. Bit busy now, but I shall later.

Also, speaking of updating stories, brb.

[Rujio]

Haha, wow, I started reading over this and the first few chapters need some work. Pretty badly in parts.

[Bobryk]

Oh snap, it's back! I'll have to catch up and probably re-read to remind myself of what's happened since summer.

And don't be too harsh on yourself-- I doubt it's even bad. I've had many instances where I reread something that's in my finished and published work and went "eh, I wish I looked at that scene again," but then people start to compliment it.

I wouldn't be too worried about editing right now anyway. Just go go go while it's flowing (if it is).

[Rujio]

So, I'm working on rewriting this now. My first attempt at the prologue was, well, weird and sorta sucky. So I moved onto chapter 1. Here's a rewrite of that first little bit that's from Rewjeo's perspective. What do you guys think?

It seemed to be the perfect spring day as I neared the end of my journey home. The forest was coming to life as it escaped winter’s grasp. And yet, as I journeyed on, it grew eerily quiet. The farther I trudged along, the deader the forest seemed to become.
Then, a jet black figure landed on a branch a few arm lengths in front of me. It was a raven, a prophetic figure, telling of misfortune. If you believe in those things, that is. I took a moment to observe the bird. Despite the stigma they had with the superstitious folk, I’ve always found them to be magnificent animals. It wasn’t often you found one willing to land so near a human.
But then the raven started to caw hop around agitatedly. Intrigued, I took a step back and looked around, discovering forty-odd troops marching down the path. They wore the distinctive blue armor of Guldar. That didn’t make sense, though. Why would Guldar have patrols all the way over here? The Gassadian stronghold was between here and Guldar. Fearing the worst, I hurried back to Gassad.

[Bobryk]

I think some parts are better than the original, but there were some lines in the original that were pretty good too. My advice would be to mix the two and see what happens. As an example, I did it for a couple of sentences in the first two paragraphs. (The last paragraph is the same as your updated version.)

Obviously I didn't do it perfectly-- I'm just showing an example here.

x (Click Here To Hide/Show Text)

It seemed to be the perfect spring day as I neared the end of my journey home. The forest was coming to life as it escaped winter’s grasp. The birds were chirping and the squirrels were chattering in the trees all around me. Crystal clear water in the streams shimmered in the sunlight, and the green leaves on the trees seemed to glow under the cloudless blue sky.
And yet, as I journeyed on, it grew eerily quiet. The farther I trudged along, the deader the forest seemed to become.
Then, a jet black figure landed on a branch a few arm lengths in front of me. It was a raven, a prophetic figure often telling of misfortune or bloodshed. If you believe in those things, that is.. Despite the stigma they had with the superstitious folk, I’ve always found them to be magnificent animals. It wasn’t often you found one willing to land so near a human.
I gestured to show that I didn’t have anything in hopes it would leave, but it persisted. “I don’t have any food for you,” I said as I began to walk past it, somehow expecting it to understand me. Then it flew back in front of me, settled down in the middle of the path, and continued to call out. This time, it seemed to be pointing towards where I had been standing, but there was nothing there.
But then the raven started to caw hop around agitatedly. Intrigued, I took a step back and looked around, discovering forty-odd troops marching down the path. They wore the distinctive blue armor of Guldar. That didn’t make sense, though. Why would Guldar have patrols all the way over here? The Gassadian stronghold was between here and Guldar. Fearing the worst, I hurried back to Gassad.

Again, what I did wasn't anywhere near perfect, but you can kinda get the gist of what I'm talking about.

As always, keep at it! Good work so far!

[Rujio]

Okay, between that and what I've been told over at SF, here's what I've got as of now.

It seemed to be the perfect spring day as I neared the end of my journey home. The forest was coming to life as it escaped winter’s grasp. The birds and squirrels could be heard chirping and chattering in the trees. Crystal clear water in the streams shimmered in the sunlight, and the leaves seemed to glow under the cloudless blue sky.
And yet, as I journeyed on, it grew eerily quiet. The farther I trudged along, the stiller the forest seemed to become. Then, a jet black figure landed on a branch a few arm lengths in front of me. It was a raven, a prophetic figure, telling of misfortune or bloodshed. If you believe in those things, that is. I took a moment to observe the bird. Despite the stigma they had with the superstitious folk, I’d always found them to be magnificent animals. It wasn’t often you found one so willing to land near a human.
But then the raven started to caw raucously. Intrigued, I took a step back and watched the bird for a few moments before continuing down the trail. Then it flew back in front of me and settled down in the middle of the path, continuing to call out. It was still facing towards where I had been standing before. Looking over there, I saw forty-odd troops marching down the path. They wore the distinctive blue armor of Guldar. That didn’t make sense, though. Why would Guldar have patrols all the way over here? The Gassadian stronghold was between here and Guldar. Fearing the worst, I hurried back to Gassad.

[Rujio]

Super duper new new rewrite start! I swear I'll finish this someday...

Lord Jyron, King of Gassad, again unable to sleep, looked out his window at the night. Dark clouds blotted out the full moon, and the handful of free stars gently illuminated the shape of the castle and the rustling woods beyond. Wind howled against the stones of the tower, and behind Jyron a dying flame flickered, warming the drafty castle in the early spring.
Then, in a burst of chaos, a hole opened up in the castle wall. Jyron dropped down by instinct. He rose again to see a sea of shadows rushing in through the breach, and a handful more forms scampered along the walls. The latter would be the Gassadian guards, caught slumbering at their posts. A burst of light flashed across the courtyard, revealing the blue armor of Guldar on the invaders, followed by the roll of thunder.
Jyron scanned the army in earnest. The rain wasn’t falling on the castle, but lightning kept flashing. The fleeing Gassadian guards collapsed, one by one, no doubt picked off by Guldaran archers. Their inattention had proved its own reward. Then, Jyron’s eyes caught the glint of white armor amongst the blue horde. Kertankuse, the White General of Guldar, had come.
~~~~~
Seloh shot up as a blast rocked his bunk in the castle barracks. He rolled out of bed and tore his sword and armor off the wall. He strapped on what he could quickly, tossed his helmet on haphazardly, and ran out of the room while tying his scabbard to his belt. His roommate, Slize, stumbled after him, still strapping one of his boots on. “Seloh!” he called, hopping behind.
Seloh turned around, and his sword started to fall out of its sheath. He fumbled to grab it, and as he did the whole scabbard came untied and dropped to the floor. Seloh winced as it clanged against the stone. He crouched down and checked to see if anyone had noticed before picking it back up. Slize, his boot all the way on, trotted up. “What on earth is going on?” he asked over the din of the chaotic barracks as Seloh reattached the scabbard to his belt.
“I don’t know,” Seloh said under his breath as they shuffled nervously around the gathering space in the barracks. Other soldiers trickled in a handful at a time, unsure as to whether or not there was a real threat, but for the most part the barracks grew quiet.
“Maybe it was just thunder? There were clouds rolling in earlier,” Slize suggested.
“Do you hear rain?” Seloh asked. “I don’t, and anything that would have made a sound like that would have to have been almost a direct hit on the castle. It would have to be raining.”
“Well…” Slize began. Thud. Thud. Thud. The two eyed each other. “Do you…?”
Thud. Thud. Thud. “Yeah…” Seloh answered. Thud. Thud. Thud. He felt his heart start pounding in his chest.
Thud. Thud. Thud. Slize looked up. The space was filling up with bewildered soldiers. Thud. Thud. Thud. “Seloh.” Slize put his hand on his sword. Thud. Thud. Thud.
All of a sudden, General Klyszyr, followed by a train of underlings, stormed into the space. “Soldiers! Prepare for battle!” his voice boomed throughout the barracks.

[Fire Blazer]

It's not bad but some of the lines feel like... very common. Though I have that problem myself...

I can't say I like the names either but at the very least they sound somewhat medieval so... lol idk even

I'm just going to stop and say "good work, Rujio"

[Rujio]

QUOTE (Blazer @ May 22 2012, 07:25 PM)

It's not bad but some of the lines feel like... very common. Though I have that problem myself...

Could you give some examples?

[Rujio]

http://rewjeo-astory...2-prologue.html

Full (not entirely proofread) version of the new prologue! Be warned, there is a kinda sadistic character involved. It's not super gory or anything, but it's not super pleasant, either.

[Nice Middle]

I think it's nice.