54 replies to this topic

[arimibn]

I really hate myself.

I'm so damn weak...

I quite literally love and care about EVERY ONE of my friends. And you know what this kind loving heart always gets me? Pain. Neglect. Etc.

I remember when I could see people die and feel NOTHING!! Why can't I be like that anymore?! Why do I have to be so caring..? So loving...?

NO ONE has EVER treated me the way I've treated them. People always act like I'm just...faking. And let me tell you. Nothing hurts me more than having someone you love think you don't care about them.

Yes. Norianna is my Girlfriend. But since when does she have to be the only one that I can love? Why CAN'T I love my brothers and sisters too? Is it so wrong that I'm not scared to tell a close friend that I love them like a brother/sister?!! And the worst part is that it is!!

I hate this wretched heart of mine...I truly wish I could just hate everything again like I used to...Then...maybe then..I wouldn't be sad anymore...

....I just don't know anymore....I feel so sad and confused...my friend said she didn't want to be around me....And...yet...I know I've never said an unkind word to her...

......It's not just her. I recently had a friend...who I considered my older brother...he thought I didn't care about him, so he went to the mafia...and this happened a month ago. Not to mention several others who have pretty much just completely disregarded my feelings...I mean honestly...Was I really that bad a friend? I know I've never said an unkind word to them...And yet they act as though I'm making their lives worse...Every time I allow myself to care for someone, they act as if it's just so wrong...They act like I'm making their lives worse...When I thought of suicide, do you know how many people told me they didn't want me to die? One. And that's Norianna, my girlfriend. Most people TOLD me to kill myself. My mother, stepmother, and my father all told me to kill myself. All I want is to be able to make my friends happy...to show them that I love them...and yet all I ever get from that is pain.

I know I shouldn't care about things so much.......I really wish I could agree with that...But I can't...I used to be able to brush off anything...but now I've become soft. I get attached to people too easily. I just don't understand it. I have so much love in my heart, and yet, for most of my life, I've only received hate. I've had a few friends who I think care about me, but I have my doubts...But even so, that doesn't stop me from caring about people. No matter what anyone has ever done to me, I've always...forgiven them...I just don't want to be alone ever again...Do you know what it feels like? Being alone? Knowing that no one cares about you? Finding that out after having believed that people loved you? It's a horrid feeling. And I hate this about myself, but I just feel scared so often wondering if someone really cares for me or not...I have a 147 IQ, so I notice things...A LOT of things...And I get worried...I'd notice if someone didn't reply to me, but was replying to everyone else. I start thinking depressing thoughts....I notice everything, and I never really forget anything...It's...maddening...

[Golden Warrior]

Arim, I actually DO know how you feel. I've tried being nice to people before and I ,too, was ignored/neglected. It is the worst feeling in the world and no one deserves to feel it, not even you.

If it helps, I've always considered you a friend and always will. You have made me happy, even joyful in the past. You shouldn't hate yourself for this neglect. There is nothing wrong with being denied/neglected, as it helps you understand better what to try doing in the future, that, however, is only my experience.

It is not wrong to love everyone either, as a matter of fact, (I'm sorry if this will seem offensive) God tells everyone to. Whether or not you are Christian, like me, I still think you should try to love everyone, don't let these feelings stop you from making new friends, or even being a good one. Even if you are neglected the is always someone along the way that will be a truthfully loyal friend, I know there will be.

Arim, I think you have a truly wonderful personality and will most certainly meet a loyal friend because of this. If I have ever hurt you in the past or if I ever do, don't hesitate to tell me, whether openly or by PM.

I will try to be loyal to you, in the good times and bad, true friends do that.

-Gold

[arimibn]

Thank you...That makes me feel a little better...

[Howl]

Perhaps it won't help, but my grandfather used to say that 'You'll be lucky to have one true friend your entire life.' I believe that completely, because throughout my life, I've made friends, and lost friends, fallen out of contact or otherwise, and I know that I am not the cause.

A small story.

I used to feel very similar to you, thinking I was the cause of people around me leaving, or neglecting me.
One time I got so angry about it, that I started thinking that it was because I did something wrong, so I asked one of my so called friends. They told me it wasn't me, and that I had been more then a good friend. They said that they didn't feel like they deserved me as a friend, because they didn't treat me the way I treated them. So, I realized that there was nothing I could do about it, and if they didn't want me as a friend, then its not my problem. I started living my life focusing on myself. Since then, I've met several people who are drawn to my personality, and they have proven that they wanted to be my friend. We had similar interests, personalities, or histories and they proved to me that they were trust worthy. It is then that I show them the loyalty of a true friend.

I would gladly take a bullet for any of my friends, and though our interaction is very limited... I would be honored to have a friend like you to be honest. Although it would be better if you could put these feelings behind you, because if I was you, I wouldn't want to project my negative feelings on my friends. A true friend is a steadfast pillar of strength for those he cares about, to lean on when they need it most.

-Howl

[Holy Kensai]

Off topic, but I just want to throw this out there. IQ is useless. There is no agreed upon definition of intelligence, and depending who you ask the number of types of intelligence range from 2 to over 200. IQ tests literally only measure how good you are at IQ tests. They have no correlation with intelligence.

[Fire Blazer]

All I have to say is

**** trusting people

you think I'm being immature?

Well **** you too.

I agree with the post-user

trusting people is more hurt than it is help

and I don't want to be hurt anymore than I already have

so I might pretend to trust but I'll never truly reap the benefits of a strong relationship

nor will I suffer from the pain of having those bonds broken

/end

[arimibn]

@Howl Thank you. I will do my best to be a good friend to you.

@Kensai I cannot currently think of a way to respond to that without sounding rude.

@Blazer To be honest, deep down I know this, but I constantly ignore my instincts, and I constantly get hurt. Go figure. I'll continue to get knocked down, but I'll still get up and I will still let them knock me down.

I'll probably be back to my old happy-go lucky self. Drinking blood tends to make me feel better, and it has. I can't say I really feel better, but I'm just going to ignore it and move on.

[Fire Blazer]

Hey, don't drink blood.

Don't do stupid things. They won't get people feeling bad for you and they won't get you attention. They just hurt you.

You need to realize your pain for what it is in order to recognize your moments of happiness. The more you suffer, the happier you become when that suffering is relieved. Keep that in mind as you move forward, bud.

[Rujio]

Things like hate don't actually make you feel better. They just mask the pain. What it really comes down to is that you need to care about yourself above anyone else. You shouldn't TRY to care about someone just because you're obligated to. If you focus on yourself, you'll start caring about people without trying. I have plenty of friends I really care about, and I never set out to care about any of them.

[Echo-279]

I trust you arim, as a good buddy of mine here on FEShrine!

[Axel]

I'm sorry, but you sound ridiculous in this post.. I can't find any reasoning to why you would WANT to have a heart full of hate, I would kill to have something to love, as Rujio said.. hate doesn't negate your problems, it just covers them up and gives you a false sense of.. I guess a good word to use would be "accomplishment?"

Don't get me wrong, I respect you as a person, and I like you.. but most of the stuff you said in this thread just makes absolutely no sense to me. :/

[arimibn]

@Blazer I don't drink my OWN blood. It's just a habit of mine that calms me. Some people drink beer, I drink blood.

Like I said, I wanted to have a heart full of hate, because when I love people, it just gets me hurt. So I wanted a heart full of hate so that I don't feel that pain anymore.

I know it isn't the answer though.

I feel a but better now. I thank you guys for being here when I needed someone to talk to. For a long time, I didn't have that. I'm paranoid, I know, but I'll get over it. Just needed to let things out a bit. I feel great now because I did.

I used to keep everything bottled up. And I still do, but not as much. I feel good knowing I have friends. You guys are good people. And I'm glad I have ya.

[Axel]

It's funny how the right people always live miles and miles away, huh..?

[Echo-279]

No problem, we're always willing to listen when another member is having problems.

[arimibn]

Thanks. Makes me feel good to hear that.

[Echo-279]

No problem mate.

[Zepher Tensho]

I'm sorry, but that blood drinking comment is making it hard to take this post seriously. I mean, who the hell drinks blood to calm themselves? Then you add that it isn't your own. Which means the only place for you to get blood is to hurt/kill someone else or an animal, or rob a hospital, both of which sound horribly gruesom and I HIGHLY doubt you are doing any of that. Not being mean but it sounds almost like you're saying things for the sake of being wierd. Either that or you are going around stabbing living beings, in which case you need to be in hand cuffs and/or a psychiatric ward.

[Axel]

This. ^^

[Golden Warrior]

Oh, come on guys. People have different habits. They may seem weird at times but it remains that no two people are the same. (I even have weird habits and I bet you do to.)

[Axel]

But ****ing drinking blood? I see no reason for you to defend that.